I sat between Riley and Sierra, watching the usual action movie at Jeremy’s house with everyone. I was tired and not paying any attention to anything but my thoughts. There was so much going on that I wanted to change, until today that is, things definitely changed on their own. Everything before today, and still will be after, was a mess to be honest haha; my band, my boyfriend, and even myself. It felt like the entire world was coming down on top of me at times. I wanted it to change. I wanted it all to just progress and get back to normal and how I planned. But, nothing is easy in life is it? Haha I wished it was, so much. If I had things my way, it’d be a lot different.
Josh was controlling, especially when it came to our band. Everything was on his terms and his idea, when he actually didn’t contribute as much as the four of us. I love Josh, but there were things I never knew about him that kinda make me wonder if this relationship is worth it. We’ve been off and on for about 3 years, because of him. I found myself asking if he really loved me most of the time, and asking why the hell I loved him.
I wanted someone different, even just as a close friend. Josh and I just kept going in circles, and after meeting someone new like Riley, I began to realize it was time to stop all the rapidity of my life. I wanted to start over. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to get closer to Riley. I mean, she had some strength that I didn’t have, and obviously maturity. There was something that was drawing me to her, whether it was a set up or not, it was real. And, I wanted to get back into reality and start living life and being in love and having this incredible band.
“I’m bored,” Riley whispered to me.
I laughed, “Same here, I can’t focus on it.”
“I’m hungry haha. We should go out.”
“I’m hungry too,” Brandon yelled blowing our cover.
“The 3 of us can go then haha.”
The three of us snuck out to go to the 24/7 diner down the road, and not surprisingly Jeremy came too; I drove there as Brandon and Riley talked about bike stuff that I didn’t understand. Riley looked hot in her race gear and all, but her in cut off jean shorts and a white shirt, she looked way hotter than I’ve ever noticed. I had no idea she was that toned. And, obviously I should stop thinking about this, but it was true haha. She was kind of god like to be honest. Oh god what is wrong with me right now? I was losing my mind.
In the diner, Riley started asking me questions, “So what are you doing here exactly?”
“Haha well,” I smiled and shrugged, “I don’t really know. Needed a change of scenery I guess and a break from the band.”
“I can’t imagine it’s easy, especially with the record company up your ass,” she laughed.
I laughed at her tone, “Actually, Josh is the only one pressuring us.”
“Yeah he’s even writing most of the lyrics and songs himself,” Jeremy said.
“That’s stupid. I mean I know you guys all write, but Hayley is the better lyricist and she does all the melodies,” Riley said, sounding genuinely pissed off, “And you’re still dating that ass?”
I laughed, “Oh not for long, he’s gone way too far with this one.”
“He’s changed,” Jeremy said, changing the tone again. He sounded sad.
“Drastically. I don’t even know him anymore.”
“What are you going to do,” she asked.
“Try to finish the record and get past everything,” I shrugged.
“You guys deserve better,” she shook her head; “Josh bugs me if I’m honest.”
“He bugs everyone!” Jeremy yelled, “I punched him once haha it felt good.”
“I’m jealous haha.”
“Who isn’t, I’m supposedly his girlfriend and I want to punch him,” I said as everyone laughed.
Talking to Riley about what was going on just made me feel even better about everything. She understood and cared about what we were going through, and noticed there was turmoil. It felt so good to get things out, and it made me want to write, because now I knew what all the feelings I had bottled up were all about.
Tonight was amazing. To be honest, I haven’t had this much fun since two Christmases ago. The four of us got along so good and we had similar very hyper senses of humor. There was someone missing, because I knew he was being left out of everything; the music, the band, the friendship, but yet he wrote more than Josh did. Taylor was one of my best friends, but he was shut out from my life because of his mom and Josh. It felt weird without him lately. But all in all, this night was one of those nights where I just had to put everything aside and have fun. And, eventually I’d talk to Riley one on one.
Wow. I never thought I’d be sitting in a car, in the passenger seat while Hayley was driving back to Jeremy’s house. There’s nothing I would change about tonight, not ever. I didn’t even miss Sierra or feel bad for ditching her, because clearly she was perfectly happy with Blake. I was with everyone I truly loved right now. There was really nothing more I could ever ask for. Hayley was even more perfect than I’d ever imagined. She’s one of those girls who are just amazingly easy to talk to and joke around with. I was still nervous, but comfortable with this, maybe even too comfortable haha. I wondered if this was just one night to remember, or if it’d last forever.
“I had fun,” Hayley said, smiling gorgeously.
“Me too, but it’s not over. You wanna take a ride on my bike,” I asked laughing. Hayley and a motorcycle just seemed dangerous haha.
She laughed, “Dude that’d be awesome! Let’s do it!”
“You guys are gonna do it,” Brandon asked, freaking out, “That was fast!” Oh god.
“Do it at your house please,” Jeremy said, playing along.
“Yes, Riley and I are just yelling out that we’re going to do it,” Hayley said sarcastically.
“She’s just covering it up,” I said playing along too, “We’re ditching you two at the house and going to her place,” I winked at her.
“Damn it Riley you can’t tell everyone our plans!” She laughed
“Gosh sorry, they’d figure it out anyway,” we both started laughing. The guys look disturbed, but we didn’t give a fuck.
We did kind of ditch Brandon and Jeremy, because they wanted to play Xbox anyway, and Hayley really wanted to take a ride with me. I was excited, and I wanted to milk our alone time together a bit. I got the bike out as she sat up on the tool box, tucked into her hoodie, it was adorable. I checked the fuel line and everything, making sure I didn’t beat it up on the track.
“You wanna drive or ride on the back,” I asked before I started it.
“Definitely the back, god forbid I kill us,” she said laughing and walking over.
“Tell me if I’m going to fast, and if you let go I’ll kill you haha, literally.”
“Not sure I like these terms haha,” she sounded nervous. It was cute.
“You’ll like it once we get going. Trust me?”
“Of course I trust you!”
“Then let’s do this!”
She was still a little bit hesitant, but once she got on, she kind of cuddled up to me. I took it slow, going around the dirt back lot of Jeremy’s property, which I was jealous of. It was gorgeous. The drifting was amazing and the grip was equally good. But, what made it even better was Hayley giggling and holding onto me, freaking out whenever I sped up. It was adorable and it made it hard to keep going because I was laughing at her.
“If you don’t stop laughing I will wreck,” I said stopping the bike, trying to talk through my laughter.
“I can’t help it! My ass hurts though,” she said laughing, still holding on.
Yeah I was totally thinking about her ass now, great. “Alright let’s get off then haha.” I laughed like an idiot.
“That was awesome though thanks,” she said hugging me quickly as I put the bike back in the trailer, “What now! It’s only 11 haha, I’m not tired now.
“Come here,” I smiled, walking to the truck bed. I climbed up in it and sat on the tarp. “This is where I slept last night haha.”
“No way?! They didn’t pay for your hotel,” she got in next to me.
“Nah, I’m the new girl. I gotta earn my cred haha!”
“Street cred? Man that’s shit,” she laughed. “It’s not so bad,” she laid back, “Except for when it rains, which is all the time here.”
I didn’t know what to say, because she was lying next to me, and she added rain to the mix. I couldn’t deny that right now would be a perfect time to kiss her, but considering what’s going on with Josh, I didn’t want to confuse her. It was way too much in one day for both of us. “Yeah maybe you can make me a rain jacket haha.” Of all the things I could’ve said there, I fucking say that!? God I suck.
She laughed, “I got a better idea! You can come stay at my house and Brandon can stay at Jerms’!”
“You sure about that? Cus you ain’t getting rid of me after a sleepover!”
“Oh yeah like I want to get rid of you! You’re making my day a lot better haha,” she scooted close to me. Aww.
“It’s Josh isn’t it?”
She nodded, “He’s kind of trapped me in this whole thing and I don’t know how to get out.”
I shrugged and looked at her, “Don’t rush things. Do everything on your terms and take control. If anyone can control their life it’s you haha.”
“I’m going to need some help though,” she sat up and looked at me, “You better be staying here awhile, we got work to do!”
“Haha as long as you want. Work as in egging your boyfriend’s house?”
She laughed, leaning against me, “Are you serious?! That’s crazy!”
“It’ll make you feel better.”
“It’s pretty immature…”
“Exactly. He’s been pressuring you to be someone you’re not, so fuck him!”
“Alright alright! Let’s go steal Jeremy’s eggs haha!”
I went in to find Sierra and Blake were gone, which was good because I didn’t really feel like seeing them. Hayley went to talk to Jeremy, and I was stuck with Brandon. It was awkward, because I wanted to tell him everything, but I also wanted to keep things between Hayley and me. It’s not like he’d understand anyway, he’d probably just make fun of the whole thing. Oh and he’s probably randomly mad at me because I ditched the family. Fuck that. They’re only ever showing up for me when I win cash rewards. Right now, they didn’t matter.
“Riley, I think I should go home,” he said, “I don’t want to get in the way.”
“Haha let me guess, your band is having practice this weekend.”
“Well yeah. We’re getting good and stuff.”
“No, I get it haha they’re way more important than I’ve ever been to you. You can fuck off for being two faced,” I said before walking out. After 8 years, that felt good to say that.
I waited by Hayley’s car, noticing it was really nice out. It wasn’t raining for once, thank god. Nashville was really incredible, incredible enough to make me give up my “family” and stay here. I wanted to start somewhere new and have new friends that actually give a fuck. It almost sounds like a cliché, but it was real. Being around Hayley was real, although I’d probably never believe it because of how amazing she is. I guess we’re kind of restarting together.
She came up to me laughing, “In one night, we’ve ditched probably half the people we know.”
“That kinda means half the people we know are assholes.”
“So true. Let’s keep making history haha. Maybe we can get rid of Josh in the future,” she said as we got in the car.
“God I hope so. God forbid that I ever go to band practice with you, he’s such a whiney bitch I’d probably punch him in the face,” I laughed.
“I’ve thought about it too!”
After we stopped laughing, I decided to change subjects till we got to his house. “Hayley, thanks for letting me come haha. Everything is really fucked for me right now. A lot of people were holding me back and I had to get rid of them.”
“Of course! But, how did you do that? Like, I heard you tell Brandon off and I was like ‘shit this girl is serious’,” she laughed.
“Haha I just had to for my sanity and future. I’m going to get an all new crew, maybe.”
“I don’t know. Things are changing and I don’t know if motocross is really what I want to do now haha.”
“Just take some time and figure things out. Most important thing is, you follow your heart… and stay in Nashville,” she grinned.
“I don’t think I have a choice with that one haha. But, that’s one reason why motocross sucks. We’d be on opposite schedules…”
“But, you can’t just center your life on me. I’m not exactly famous for being the best friend or the most selfless person ever.”
“It’s not that I’m going to center it on you. I want to restart together. Within one night, we’ve become best friend’s haha. I don’t wanna go through this again. And, no one is perfect.”
That night we decided to hold everything off, go home, and sleep on it. We were both exhausted and probably over thinking the whole thing. It was amazing how she wasn’t afraid to make it clear she wanted me here and needed my help. That made me feel wanted more than I ever have. Motocross and everything I said before aside, I knew what I wanted now. I wanted a new life with her and Paramore, and just integrating our entire lives together. Not because I was a fan or because I was practically in love with her, it’s because what I wanted WAS her, in any way, shape or form. And, I don’t think she minded that.