Very Graphic.

Chapter 7

 

Riley

 

            I can’t even tell you how fucking lucky I felt today.  In one day, Hayley was mine; she stood up for me, and took me away from my pathetic overrated family, because she’s selfless and absolutely the most incredible women I could ever be with.  I was beginning to think that Paramore is my family haha, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds.  Though, if I was having a problem or needed help, any one of them would do it, maybe even all at once.  They were amazing people.  Even Josh was starting to turn around.  So, today I had zero feelings of guilt for leaving my family.  Mostly because it was for Hayley.

 

Obviously, I was still going to live with Taylor, cause if I didn’t I’d turn into a complete girl.  Yes, I did want to spend every second with Hayley… but I wondered if just moving right in together would hurt our chances, especially after being on tour together.  But, tonight I wanted to stay at her house, because we still had more making out to do before tomorrow. And that is all I thought about until we got to Nashville, basically just all about her.

           

 

 She had the biggest smile on her face on the plane, “I can’t believe I get to take my girlfriend on tour with me.”

 

  “Awww yes you do!  I might end up killing your ex boyfriend,” I laughed, thinking about being stuck with Josh for a month.

 

  “Luckily, he stays in the background.  So you could come everywhere with me,” she smiled again and kissed me.

 

  I laughed, “Isn’t that a bit dangerous,” we kissed again.

 

She thought for a second, “Ummm yeah probably… maybe you can go with the guys sometimes…”

 

  “That’d be for the best haha…”

 

            There was so much sexual tension between us today; everyone on the fucking plane could probably feel it.  We wanted each other, to say the least, and I couldn’t believe she felt it too.  It started this morning.  This morning, we realized so, so many feelings that neither of us knew we could ever feel.  It was incredible.  I knew resisting was the only battle now, but waiting until we were sure was important too; because once I started, I couldn’t stop.

 

            When we got to her house, she started helping me practice guitar.  I’ve been practicing their set list for 3 weeks, nearly every day, and I was getting much more confident with my talent.  She never stopped complimenting or helping me, and that’s probably why I was getting good in the first place.  Plus, Taylor’s help was incredible.  I was also realizing, Hayley, Taylor, and Jeremy worked harder than anyone else in the band… and the four of us got along better when Josh and Zac weren’t around.  It made me realize, Josh was dumping all the work on the three of them, and removing Zac from everything as well.

 

  “Why is Josh so intent on me being in the band?”

 

  “I have no idea… he never mentioned that.  It’s weird isn’t it? At first he’s calling me suggestive names for liking you and then he just switches.  He might be up to something.”

 

  “Or he’s just changed and sees how happy we are together…”

 

  She laughed sarcastically, “He’s way too stubborn for that,” her phone rang, “Speaking of…”  Josh and Hayley talked like they were friends again, for awhile… until the tone immediately changed, and I could tell something was really really wrong.  She got really angry and started yelling every name in the book at him.  I didn’t have any idea of what to do, because I wanted them to sort it out, but once she started crying I had to step in. 

 

  I sat next to her on the couch and held her, “What’s wrong?!”

 

  She hung up immediately, “He’s a fucking dickhead!  He used the extra

spot we had left open for you to come on tour for his fucking girlfriend,” she started shaking, “What the fuck?!”

 

   “What the hell?  Why would he do that?”

 

  “Because he’s selfish.  The only way you could come is if you drove, and we wouldn’t even get to see each other then,” she pressed into me, “I don’t know what to do.”

 

  “I wish I knew baby,” I kissed her head.

 

  “I do.  Fucking kick him out and let you play rhythm guitar.”

 

  I laughed, “Can you even do that?”

 

  “Yes I can…” she sat up, thinking.

 

  “Hayley no… I don’t want to be Yoko, honestly.”

 

  “You aren’t,” she grabbed my face, “We need a change, a big change. Taylor, Jeremy, and I need you in this band.  You saved the band, not broke it up.”

 

  “Do it now then,” I said before kissing her.

 

  “In a second.”  She pushed me back against the arm of the couch and straddled me, wrapping her arms around my neck, “I love you so much,” she said with her lips inches from mine.

 

  “I love you too, so much Hayley.  And, I kinda love this position we’re in…”

 

  She laughed and pressed against me, “You’re so damn perfect.”

 

            As I feared, we got distracted with making out instead of Hayley calling the manager and Josh.  I didn’t even know what time it was.  I couldn’t even remember how we got here.  All I could think about was her kissing the fuck out of me.  I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but I hope I can repeat it, because holy fuck this was incredible.  But, I was getting worried about the turnout, what if it was too late to make any changes?  What if I had to stay and be away from her like Josh said?  Fuck.  I knew why Hayley got distracted, one it was on purpose, and two she knew it wasn’t going to happen so easily and she wanted to utilize the time we had left together.

 

            So I did not ruin our night together, I couldn’t.  Hayley had my hips pinned down against the couch with hers, which made it fucking hard to keep any control I had left.  And, the kissing started to speed up, and god only knows why.  She started kissing me really hard and running her hands up and down my neck.  So I started running my hands up and down her hips, pushing on them a little more every time I went down and back up.  Then, her hands slid down my shoulders, chest, and stomach to the bottom of my shirt.  That’s when I decided the couch wasn’t right for what’s about to happen.

 

            I said nothing, as words could never describe how I felt at the moment, and I didn’t want to ruin the element of surprise.  I wanted this to be slow, I wanted to enjoy every second, because it could be the last for a long time.  Right now, I saw Hayley differently than I ever have.  I saw her as my girlfriend, the woman I had to protect, the women I had to make happy, and the girl who’d do the same for me.  Sex wasn’t ever a big deal to me, until I found her.  Before her, love and sex had never existed together in my life; it was all fun and games for the other girls.  But now, it was a need, it was fulfilling both of our needs, and even our dreams.  I wanted to show her how I felt, because I was done talking.  But, Hayley is NEVER done talking.

 

  We stood in her very girly bathroom, which didn’t really catch my eye as she was looking up at me, her arms around my neck, and her face inches from mine, “I’ve never felt like this in my whole entire life,” she said, sounding serious.

 

  “Neither have I, Hayley.  Are you sure about this?”

  “Not entirely.  It seems kind of the wrong time.  What’s going to happen if we do, and then I leave?”

 

  I thought for a second, “Fuck.”

 

  She backed away and turned around, “Fuck I ruined it already.  I’m so sorry Riley.”

 

  I grabbed her quickly and pulled her into me, “No.  Don’t say that. 

There’s a reason we need to wait, and God only knows that reason.  But, I’m willing to wait as long as it takes to have you.”

 

  She closed her eyes and leaned against me, “I’m so in love with you.”

 

  “I’m so in love with you too Hayley,” I hugged her as tight as I could.

 

  “I’m going to shower,” she said turning around, “I want you to come anyway.”

 

  “Whatever you want,” I smiled, kissing her softly as we started undressing.

 

            I tried to keep my eyes to myself, undressing as fast as I could, but since my mind knew what Hayley was doing it couldn’t ignore it.  She had her back to me as she unclasped her bra, making me jealous of her own hands.  Holding back was going to be harder than I thought.  Her skin had a pinkish yet pale shade to it, making it look irresistibly soft.  I did not know if I could handle her turning around, so I made sure she didn’t; I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her hips, kissing her neck.  Already, the feeling of her warm, soft, and bare body against me turned me on, unfortunately.  I lifted her into the shower after it warmed up.  I stayed behind her, and buried my head down into her neck, avoiding the beautiful sight of all of her.  And, I think she was doing the same.

 

  “This isn’t helping…” I could hear the weakness in her voice, giving me the chills.

 

  “I agree… let’s just see what happens.  Let me help you hehe,” I laughed evilly and softly kissed her neck while reaching forward and grabbing the soap.

 

  “Not helping!”

 

  “You want me to really help,” I asked, sliding one hand down to her waist, rubbing softly, “Fuck you’re so soft baby.”

 

  She moaned, “Baby I need you.  I can’t wait over a month,” she turned around, quickly pulling my hips against hers as we slammed into the wall.

 

 I moaned too, “Oh fuck,” my knees got weak.

 

            Immediately, my attention was directed down towards her body, and my knees and control seemed to get weaker.  She had the most flawless, perfectly toned, and proportionate body I could ever get lucky enough to see, touch, and even taste.  Everything about her was perfect and so, so beautiful.  I started kissing her hard with our bodies completely pressed together, water slowly tracing down us.  It felt fucking indescribable.  I could feel her nipples against the bottom of my chest.  I could feel her hips against mine.  Her smooth legs.  She started running her hands up and down my back, slowly and carefully.  I slid my hands down her shoulders, down her chest, letting one rest over her left breast.  She was soft and everything you’d imagine her boobs being, seriously who hasn’t thought about doing this?  Every time she moaned, kissed me back, or touched me, it was a brand new feeling, and fucking incredible.  Before I went farther, I had to tell her why I was doing this.

 

  “I love you so much,” god her eyes never looked so beautiful.

 

  “I love you too so much.  Let’s go to my bed baby,” she said before kissing me, opening her mouth a little bit.

 

  “That was fucking hot,” I said picking her up and carrying her out as I turned the shower off.

 

            I shoved her against the wall as our kissing increased into lustily making out.  Her hands tangled in my hair, her legs tangled around my body, we were about to explode.  She dropped her legs and pushed out against me towards the bed.  We scampered back to it and fell back as I pulled her on top of me.  I immediately grabbed the inside of her thigh and started rubbing as she kept kissing me.  Our bodies were still wet from the shower, but soon the water would be replaced with sweat.  We sped up even more as I slid back against the pillows; she straddled me, and tucked her head into my neck as she started kissing it.  Then, I slid my hand up the inside up her thigh, resting my palm on it, stretching my middle finger up to her clit.  I started touching her, trying to be gentle but keep a fast pace as she wanted.  She whimpered and started squirming a little bit.  I enjoyed the view of her being on top of me, but for best results, I shoved her on her back and slid on top of her.  I started kissing her neck all over and kept rubbing her as much as I could with my other hand pinning her hips to the bed.

 

            Even though our actions at the moment were pretty intense, I wanted to double that towards what I really, really wanted to do to her.  Now, the view of her under me was beautiful as well, but I had much more to focus on.  I kept kissing her neck, listening to her breathe and whimper basically into my ear.  I slid my fingers down from her clit, noticing she was absolutely soaking wet, not to mention incredibly warm.  I slid them into her, and she instantly reacted with a moan and a squirm under my other hand.  God it felt so good to feel that she wanted me.

 

  “Don’t stop baby, please,” she pleaded.

 

  “God I never want to,” I kissed to her lips.

 

  “I don’t either.  I love you, so so much.”

 

  “I love you too so fucking much.”

 

            We kept kissing, holding a single kiss as I started rubbing the top wall of her as gently as I could.  She started moaning into my mouth as she wrapped her legs around my back.  Then she started gripping the sheets and rocking her hips back and forth as she started to lose control.  We were both making sounds I didn’t even know either of us would end up making tonight.  It felt absolutely incredible to have her tense around me and have her pressing her entire body including her lips against mine.  There’s nothing more incredible than this.

 

  “Oh my fucking god,” she said as I slid to the slid of her and held her.  She was still shaking and sweating.  God she looked more beautiful than ever.  “You’re amazing,” she turned on her side and kissed my chest.  “But now it’s my turn,” she grinned.

 

  “Oh god, really?”

 

  She straddled me, “Yes really,” she whispered against my neck as she kissed it softly.

 

  “Oh god Hayley I won’t last long.”

 

  “That’s the point,” she slid her hand down to my waist.

 

            In 4 hours, Hayley and I had completely worn each other out.  Now we were lying on her bed, cuddling, still breathing heavily and trying to cool down.  It was very frustrating and amazing at the same time, because after everything she did to me, I still wanted her.  After all the touching, kissing, licking, oh god and sucking, I still managed to want us to do that all over again.  I’d never felt anything like this in my whole entire life.  I knew it wouldn’t go away, not with how much I loved her and how beautiful, hot, sexy, cute, evil, and gorgeous she was.  And I didn’t mind it.

 

  She laughed, “Holy fuck what happened?”  She sat up, hugging the sheets.

 

  “Everything.”

 

  “Yeah we kinda went animal there…”

 

  “I didn’t know we had that in us,” I laughed, putting my shirt back on.

 

  She pulled me back down beside her and cuddled me hard, “Why are you putting clothes back on?!?”

 

  “I… don’t know.  Haha habit I guess.”

 

  “Well stop it,” she took my shirt back off and pulled my head against her chest.  “Clothes are optional in my house,” she laughed, rubbing my back.

 

  “God I love you,” I snuggled up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist.

 

  She kissed my head and squeezed me, “I love you too so, so much Riley.  I can’t believe I have to leave in 3 hours.”

 

  “Yeah I can’t either.  Wish I had the money to follow you guys,” I kissed her shoulder.

 

  “Yeah.  But, being around Josh and his bitch would be bad,” she laughed, “You got some practicing to do anyway.”

 

  “I would probably kill them.”

 

  “I probably will actually,” I kissed her forehead, “Get some sleep baby.”

 

Hayley

 

            I couldn’t leave Riley, yet leave her alone with an apartment and a house to watch over.  I didn’t even want to leave in this first place, but touring was part of the job and the fans needed us.  At least Ri understood that.   But, still it wasn’t enough for me to even feel remotely comfortable leaving.  I had 3 and a half hours before I had to leave, and I already knew the person who’d be perfect to hang out and take care of my girl while I’m gone.  Riley was passed out, so I slid out as sneakily as I good and put her shirt on, which I would be keeping because it smelled so incredible.  I didn’t care if it was like 4 in the morning, this was an emergency.

 

  “Hayley what the hell are you doing,” Dak asked when she answered.

  “I need a huge favor… my um girlfriend is going to be alone at my house and T’s apartment.  I leave for tour tomorrow and she needs help.”

 

  “Your girlfriend?!  Holy shiiiiiiit!  That’s amazing Hayley!”

 

  I laughed, “I know.  We’re uh in love… so I need you to look after her for me.  Please please Dak?”

 

  “Alright, I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon.”

 

  “Thanks bitch,” I laughed before hanging up.

 

            Now that I got that sorted, time for my limited amount of sleep for that last time with Riley.  I slid in behind her and wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could.  Tonight was the last night for awhile we’d be able to do this, and to be honest, I wanted to cry because of it.  Being away from her would be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I am so in love with her, and I barely even know what real love is.  It’s insane, but so incredible.  Hopefully, we can survive the distance and come out stronger than before.  And, maybe Dak and she will get along, without making me jealous.

 

Chapter 6

 

Riley

 

            I was standing in the airport, thinking over everything a thousand times.  I was scared out of my mind to go home after everything that’s happened between my family and if.  To be honest, I just wanted them to move on and see how happy and in love I am.  I wish more than anything that everyone could just get along again and they’d trust Hayley.  Right now, she was probably one of the most misunderstood people, which makes no sense because she’s amazing.  Besides all of that, I was more worried and scared about leaving her.  I knew she’d be fine… but I had no idea if I could.

 

            What if I couldn’t handle it?  What if it killed me to be away from her for like 3 weeks?  I wish that I could take her with me and show her off to my entire family.  It’d certainly prove how amazing she is.  Fuck, now I was really questioning leaving, but it had to be done, because I had to stay in Nashville, but it runs out, amazingly, Nashville was coming with me…

 

            This crazy ass girl that I’ve fallen head over heals in love with, casually stands next to me with a suitcase and a plane ticket, looking busy and like she’d been there the whole time.  My god I love her.  I started laughing uncontrollably, and so did she.  I think we were laughing because, one we’re immature, and two we were fucking excited.  This was really happening.

 

  “I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me leave, “I smiled.

 

  “Not by yourself anyway, I refuse to be away from you for that long!”

 

  “I agree.  I was just having second thoughts about leaving,” I said before turning to her and hugging her.

 

  She cuddled into me, “Good thing I’m going then, and it’ll go a lot faster.”

 

  “Thank god,” I kissed her head.

 

  “This is all part of your plan isn’t it,” she laughed, pulling away.

 

  “Nah, I didn’t have one… until now,” I grinned.

 

  She grabbed onto my arm and jumped up and down, “Tell me!”

 

  “You’ll find out soon enough.”

 

            My plan involved sneaking in and out of my parent’s house and driving to my aunt’s house for the weekend.  Simple enough right?  Nope.  There was way more to it than that.  I knew this is the weekend I had to make something happened, before tour sucked up all our time and energy.  And, I know she didn’t want me to do anything, but fucking hell, would you sit on your ass waiting for something to magically happen to get you and the girl of your dreams together?  Fuck that.  I was too in love with her for that, and obviously romantic.  My plan would surprise her, but still be subtle.  I was excited, and couldn’t wait.

 

  “Why’d you come exactly,” I asked as we sat on the plane.

 

  “I had to.  I couldn’t let you go alone, and I didn’t want to be without you for three weeks,” she said, resting her head on the edge of my shoulder.  She smelled amazing, as always.

 

  “I didn’t either, but I thought there wasn’t any other way.  I thought we’d be fine apart, and like we’d be able to move on with our lives.  But, we couldn’t even stand the thought of it,” I laughed.

 

  “Why’d you think I could be alright if you just left like that though?”

 

  “I don’t know.  I guess I see how close you and the guys are, and I thought the tour and all of your work stuff would be more important.”

 

  “You obviously don’t know how important you are to me,” she said, sliding up and kissing my cheek.  “I couldn’t even be alone with Josh… it was creepy!”

 

  I laughed, “Why is it creepy?”

 

  “Cuz he may still like me!”

  “I’ll kill him.”  I said seriously.

  “Ooooo is someone jealous?!”

 

  “Jealous, not anymore,” I shrugged, “But I am protective.”

 

  “You’re sweet,” she smiled and latched onto my arm again.

 

            As usual, Hayley fell quickly asleep, cuddled up against my side.  She looked so adorable, especially today, but that was probably just because I was falling in love with her even more.  It was perfect timing, even if neither of us had planned a damn thing out fully.  It really was supposed to happen this way; I’m absolutely convinced that we’re meant to be together.  If we weren’t, why is fate doing everything possible to get us together?  It was obvious to me, but I worried about how Hayley felt, and I hoped this weekend would change her mind.

 

            I woke up just as we landed, because the plan wasn’t exactly the smoothest or largest plane, which somehow I slept on.  Hayley looked really tired, so I wanted to get to the house as quickly as possible.  Tonight, we were sleeping in my bed together.  God how long have I dreamt and wanted that?  Only Brandon would be able to tell you, and I hope he doesn’t tell Hayley… that would be embarrassing, but at least she might think it was cute, maybe. 

 

  “I have no idea where we’re going,” Hayley said, sounding absolutely adorable.

 

  “Home first.  We’ll sleep there for the night and pack up and go to my Aunt’s.”

 

  “Sounds perfect,” She grabbed my hand and smiled.

  “Does it?  Hmm… that’s good cuz you’re sleeping with me,” I grinned.

 

  “Well where else would I want to sleep,” she laughed.

 

  “Oh, well you could’ve told me sooner!”

 

  “Well… I could’ve… but that would’ve ruined this entire romantic trip,” she said as we got in the taxi.

  I smiled, “Who said that was the agenda?”

 

  “I guess God did.”

 

  “Guess that means I can do was I was just planning to do.”

 

  She looked at me in the backseat, “I want you to.”

 

            When Hayley said that, I instantly passed out from so many different feelings.  It confirmed that she felt relatively the same for me as I did for her.  And, she wasn’t hesitant about us anymore.  This was an incredible step for us and our lives.  From this weekend and on, we were always going to have each other.  How did I know that?  Because, trust me, I will never ever fucking let her go or do anything to lose her.  And, I couldn’t fucking wait to tell her that.  She needed that after all the band drama, and thinking that she wasn’t going to see me for almost a month.  Still can’t believe I was that stupid, but fuck the past.  Hayley wants me.  Holy shit.

 

            When we got to my house, we immediately snuck upstairs in the dark.  Thankfully, I hadn’t forgotten the way to my room, because we probably would’ve tripped and killed ourselves.  Luckily, the streetlight lit up my room a bit and we quickly got into it and started laughing as Hayley tripped over my foot.

 

  “Haha luckily I didn’t hit your nose during the whole thing,” She whispered while laughing cutely.

 

  “I know, it still hurts, you jerk!”  Obviously I was kidding.

 

  “Aww I’m sowwy,” she said pouting cutely, “You know, I could always kiss it better,” she said immediately changing tone, and wrapping her arms around my neck.  I got really nervous at this point and nearly fell over just at the thought of it.

 

  “You’re kidding right?”

 

  “Shut up.”

 

            She immediately stretched up and kissed me, hard, taking my fucking breath away instantly.  I didn’t expect this at all, not even in my dreams.  At first, I was just absolutely dumbfounded by incredible it felt.  Her kissing me like this was so far the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  After I stopped thinking, I started kissing back and wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her against me.  At first, the kissing was slow and no doubt the hardest I’ve ever kissed anyone in my life, but soon it started to become increasingly passionate, beyond anything I would’ve imagined.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t feel my legs, and all I could do is think about how much more I was falling in love with her right now.  God is this really happening right now.

 

  When we finally shoved ourselves away from each other, I had to get the first words in, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” it barely came out due to lack of air.

 

  She kissed me once again, “You definitely have no clue to how long I’ve wanted to kiss you Riley.”

 

  “Then tell me,” I said smiling and picking her up and pulling her to my bed with me.

 

  We instantly cuddled up, and she laid her head on my chest, “Remember the first time we slept on the couch together?”

 

  I was surprised, “That soon?”

 

  “Yeah, surprisingly.  It’s never happened to me before.  I mean, I certainly didn’t think it was possible to feel like this.”

 

  “How do you feel?”

 

  “I’m in love with you,” she said sitting up and looking at me.

 

  “With me?  Wow.”

 

  “Yes you,” she smiled and leaned over kissing me and sliding her hands up to my neck.

 

  “Good thing I’m in love with you too then,” I smiled before kissing her too.

 

            The sun was literally coming up as we kept making out, not even noticing how long we’d been up, or giving a fuck.  It was probably the most perfect way to start our relationship and break the ice of us being nervous.  I was obviously still going to be a little nervous, but now I couldn’t hesitate or hold any feelings back.  Now, I just had to face the reality of Hayley being my girlfriend and not fuck anything up, and that’s why I was nervous.  Starting slow was the best thing I could do, but I had a feeling it’d be difficult, as Hayley wouldn’t stop kissing me.  I could tell already, we’re going to be the most inseparable, lovey, charismatic, and deeply in love couple ever.  This was the best day of my entire life.

Hayley

 

            Riley was absolutely the sweetest person ever.  Kissing her changed my entire life in one second.  I knew she was awesome, but she is incredible.  The way she holds me and kisses me is indescribable.  I’ve never had anything remotely close to anything like this, but I knew this is what being in love is supposed to be.  Riley was definitely showing me and making me feel how she felt about me.  I was happy now, more confident, and less worried about the things that are to come.

 

            When I woke up, I felt majorly sleep deprived and dehydrated, but not even giving a damn, because Riley was still sleeping next to me.  She was sleeping on her stomach, with her shirt slid up, which meant I was staring at her the whole time.  I scooted over and pulled the blankets over us.  I cuddled up against her and started rubbing her back.  Her skin was incredibly soft, it was almost addicting.  She started to wake up eventually, and weirdly, I got excited.

 

  “Hey,” she said smiling and turning on her side, looking at me, “Sleep good?”

 

  “Better than ever,” I said, cuddling up to her closer and tucking my arms under her shirt and resting my hands on her chest.  God she was soft everywhere.

 

  She held me, pressing me against her closer, “I love you, you know that?”

 

  “I do now,” I smiled and reached up for her face, kissing her.

 

  She pulled away and looked at me, “Today, you’re going to get annoyed from me reminding you.”

 

  “Never.”

 

            And just like that, we were kissing, again.  I had a feeling the kissing wouldn’t stop for the next couple of weeks, but if she always kissed me like this, our control would fly out the freaking window.  She had her arms  tightly wrapped around my waist, her hands clutching my sides as we lay facing each other.  She was kissing me, slowly alternating between kissing open and closed.  It was slow of course and deep, but eventually, something insane came over us.  I pushed her on her back and straddled her immediately, not even breathing or thinking as we started making out even harder.  This was not some random act of a honeymoon stage… this was something I couldn’t even describe.  God this is what real passion is.

            Unfortunately for our brains and lungs, it did not stop there.  She had her hands slowly sliding all over my body, like she practiced it in her head a thousand times.  Her hands were soft and warm, and persistent on touching every single part of my body she could reach.  She was now slacking on kissing as she ran her hands under my shirt up my back, then up my sides, slower this time.  I could tell she was thinking about something.

  “What are you thinking,” I asked staring at her.

  She looked back at me and shook her head, “Nothing.  It’s nothing, just good things.”

 

  I smiled and put my forehead against hers, “No more secrets Riley.”

  She grabbed my face and sat up, kissing me, “I just realized, I want to take this seriously and do this right.  I really am so fucking in love with you, and I will do anything to have you, because I can’t be without you,” she said, quickly, but surely.

  I couldn’t even begin to think of response as remotely beautiful as that.  I started crying, because no one’s ever, ever said anything like that to me.  It was every girls dream.  A dream I sure as heck didn’t believe was real till now.  “I love you, so fucking much,” I said before wrapping my arms around her neck and kissing her as hard as I could, “You make me speechless, and so many things I can’t even explain to you.  I’m yours,” god it felt good to say that.

  “We should probably get going,” She laughed.

  “Yeah before we just make out forever!”

  “Well I’d be fine with that,” she grinned and kissed me again.

 

            Yup, today was the best day ever.  Even though I was sleep deprived and possibly unaware of a lot of important things, I said and did everything I wanted to do to Riley… well almost everything I wanted to do haha, but that’s for later.  It took us literally no time at all to pack everything she wanted.  We were on some kind of speed or crack, because we went super stupid fast.  It was awesome.  Now the next challenge was meeting her confusing parents.

  “Hey everyone, this is my girlfriend, Hayley,” Riley said, with the hugest smile on her face.  However, we were the only ones smiling, besides her mom who was forced to stay quiet.

  “So, how much is she paying you,” her dad asked me, thinking it was funny.

  I was offended and not afraid to do something about it, “I don’t know what Riley did, but you should not be talking to her like that.  She wants support and to prove that this is real.  I mean, how is this your business anyways?”

  He wasn’t happy, “You’re the reason she’s abandoned this family!”

  “Maybe cause that’s what you’re supposed to do that when you’re an adult!  Which is what she is and what she’s trying to be!”

  “Hayley, it’s okay, let’s just go,” She whispered.

  “Yeah, I don’t think this is worth it.”

           

I’ve never been so mad in my life.  Her family has issues, like abandonment and trust issues.  It seems like they’re too selfish to even see how happy Riley is and that we really are in love.  When we got done loading the car, I wondered if we should just go home.  I didn’t want Riley to get hurt, and Brandon already did that.  I couldn’t let it happen again, because she deserves better.  Her family is only going to hold her back, but I was kind of afraid of making it worse by telling her this.

  I hugged her as we stood by the car, “Are you sure about this?”

  “No.   Not anymore, I kind of just want to forget and go home haha,” she sounded sad.

  “I really think that’s for the best Riley.”

  “I thought they’d change once they saw you, but they fucking didn’t.  I just wanna be with you,” she said before kissing my forehead.

  This made me smile, obviously, “You’re adorable.  Let’s get out of here!”

  “I like your bed better anyway haha.”

  “I like you in any bed,” I winked before we got in the car.

  “Oh god shut up, I’m the one driving!”

  I laughed, “Oh that got to you?”

  “You always get to me,” she said before kissing me.

  “I’ll remember that!”  She was quiet for awhile as she drove to the airport.  I could tell she was thinking about something again, “What is it?”

  “Nothing,” she smiled.

  I shook my head, “Always planning something aren’t you?”

  “Maybe I am.”

Chapter 5

 

Riley

 

            The fact that the band was happy and not fighting was amazing, really, but that didn’t mean I had to like Josh.  He was kind of full of himself, weird, and hard to read, but the fact that he was showing me guitar stuff with Hayley watching, made me feel like a god.  The fact that I was knee deep in this band and everyone was getting to know me, and liked me, gave me the new start I wanted to have.  I didn’t like Josh, but I didn’t hate him.  At least he cared about the band and Hayley still.

 

  “We have a week or so before tour,” he said as we sat in his basement, as the three of us were playing guitar.  “And, I think you should consider joining us on tour.  It’d be like part of your training haha,” he smiled, leaning up against the desk.

 

  “Consider?  Haha dude you don’t even have to ask,” I said looking at Hayley as she smiled.

 

  “Hahaha great.  Now we just need to teach you some songs, and maybe you can help us right.  It takes a lot of practice to understand Hayley’s music terms.”

 

  She laughed, “Sometimes I just can’t think of the right word!”

 

  “I’m not even surprised, I have a feeling I know one percent of what I’m in for with her,” I laughed.

 

  “You have no idea,” Josh shook his head.

 

  “I’m not that bad,” she argued, standing up quickly.  Little did she know, the guitar would end up smacking me in the nose.  “Oh god I am that bad!”  She freaked out handing Josh the guitar and turned to me, “I’m so so so so sorry Riley!”

  I laughed, “I think you broke it,” I was messing with her.

  “Oh my gosh I did?!”  She started trying to pull me out into the kitchen.  She threw me on the couch while Josh and I started laughing.  She held ice on my nose, “I’m taking you to the hospital!”

  I laughed and grabbed the ice, “Hayley I’m kidding, I’m fine, really.  It’s just going to bleed for awhile.”

 

  She paused for awhile, and then pushed my hand off and held the ice on, “Not even funny!”  She growled as she said this.

 

            We sat in awkward silence, I could tell she was thinking about something.  I felt kind of bad for pulling that kind of joke on her.  I didn’t know she’d react like that.  Wow.  She really cares about me, more than anyone.

 

  “Aww were you worried,” I asked, looking at her.

 

  She sat next to me on the couch, “Yeah I was, a lot haha.  I don’t even know what came over me.”

 

  “Uh I’ll give you two a minute,” Josh said before going into the other room.

 

  “Are you sure you’re okay,” she asked, looking at my nose.

 

  “Yes Hayley, I’m fine.  It hurts, but not bad.”

 

  She hugged me, “Good, I can’t have you hurting,” she laughed cutely.

 

  “Let’s get back to work, Josh might feel left out,” I laughed.

 

            The three of us were working on guitar parts until 1 in the morning.  But, we were getting somewhere.  It was fun, even though a lot of the time we were all so focused and serious about it all.  I wasn’t as focused as them.  I was thinking about earlier, when Hayley got protective of me.  She was really genuinely worried and scared, and even though I laughed, all I was thinking about was grabbing her and kissing her.  God when am I not thinking about that?  I do every time she looks at me, every time she comes into the same room, and every time she basically does anything.

 

  “Riley, you still with us,” Hayley asked laughing.

 

  “Uh I think I’m getting tired haha.”

  “Yeah me too, I’ll take you home,” she said grabbing her stuff and my hand, “Josh, keep me updated on the songs and stuff one week till tour!!”

 

  “Yeah I will.. One question… are you two uh…?”  He asked, raising one eyebrow and looking at both of us.

  She sighed, “Why does everyone ask that?  None of your business,” she smiled and pulled me out of the room.  “I’ll drive,” she smiled as we got out to the car.

 

  “Thanks Hayley, this was amazing,” I said as she started driving.

 

  “Of course!  I’m glad you and Josh get along… I’m surprised really,” she laughed.

  “Me too haha.  Still though, if he does anything stupid to you, I will kick his ass.”

  “I’m sure you could… you’re pretty… uh yeah.”

 

 I laughed at her inability to talk, “You tryin’ to say I’m built?”

 

  She blushed, “Well yeah you’re really in shape and stuff.”

 

  I smiled, “You’re adorable.”

 

  It got quiet for awhile, like awkwardly quiet.  I tried not to stare at her, but that wasn’t working.  She was wearing a tank top, which obviously didn’t help with the staring.  Her skin.  I just couldn’t look at it without getting extremely frustrated from wanting to rip her clothes off.  “You can lay on me… if you want,” she smiled and moved her arm behind my seat.

 

  “Now why would I want to do that,” I laughed, laying my head against her chest.

 

  “I have no idea.  But, I’m freezing,” she laughed, shivering a bit.

 

  I sat up and took off my button up shirt, putting it on her, “Bet Josh never did this,” obviously I was kidding, trying to be funny.

  “Actually no, only you.”

 

  “Wow.  I’d treat you way better than that.”

 

  She smiled, “You already do.”  Damn right.

 

When we got to her house, she turned the lights on and put everything away as she made me wait on the couch.  The cute thing was, she was still wearing my shirt and had it buttoned up.  I could get used to her wearing my shirts, and nothing else, preferably just nothing at all but sheets, lying on top of me.  I’m day dreaming again.

  She brought a bunch of blankets to me, “I’ll set you up in my room on the couch,” she smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, walking me into her bedroom.  The walls we a dark burnt orange, with dark gold trimming.  Basically, exactly like you’d imagine her room would be like; very retro and 70s.  “This couch is way better than the one in the living room, and this way you’re closer to me,” she smiled.  She tucked me into it, covering me up and looking at my nose, gently touching it, “Aww it’s bruised,” she pouted.

 

  “Yeah it hurts pretty bad…” I said sarcastically.

 

  She kissed my forehead, “How’s that,” then she smiled.

 

  “Didn’t feel it, go a little lower,” I grinned.

 

  “You’re a perv,” she slapped my shoulder.  Then she kissed my cheek.

 

  “And you wonder why everyone asks you if we’re together!”

 

  “Oh I know why, I just think they should shut up about it,” she sat on my lap.  “Whatever happens happens.  I’m sick of rushing things.”

 

  I sat up and hugged her, “Let’s not even think about it.  Keep doing what we’re doing because it’s working.”

 

  She smiled and hugged me back, “Maybe you and Tay can get an apartment together.”

 

  “I’ve actually been thinking about it, and that’d be awesome.  We get along good… and it’d give us time away from each other.

 

  “Yeah… that’s pretty important.”

 

            Once Hayley went to bed, I was left thinking about everything she said.  It’s like she wasn’t afraid of us getting close, and made it obvious that she kinda liked me, which made me nearly pass out every time I thought about it.  The apartment idea was brilliant for getting us together.  The more time alone Hayley had, the more she’d think about it and take time for herself.  And then, I’d take her on a date.  Haha but, then there’s touring, which was always crazy.  There were so many wrenches to be thrown into the perfect plans I had, but I’d be patient, because holy fuck it was worth it.

HH 

Hayley

 

            I was sitting on the bus couch as the rain was splattering against the windows behind me.  Jeremy informed me the show was cancelled because of the weather, and I was bummed as always.  But, the dream was beginning to become more of a nightmare as Riley walked in with bags over her shoulders.  Somehow, I knew exactly why she had her bags packed, and I instantly started crying my face off.  I piled into her and she hesitantly wrapped her arms around me and held me, assuring me that I’d see her again, but I didn’t believe it.  Josh came out of his bunk, yelling at her to get off the bus. She said nothing and jumped off, and my heart dropped into my stomach. To make things worse, Josh tried to kiss me, but I immediately pushed him off and jumped off the bus.  This was the most intense dream I’ve ever had, and realistic.  I felt the cold rain, I felt like the world was ending, and like nothing would ever be the same.  But, little did I know, it’d have a happy ending.  I caught up to her on the sidewalk and she turned around, freezing in place.  I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what I wanted to do to fix things.  I grabbed her face and I kissed her, not hesitating a damn bit.  It was the most incredible feeling in the world, and it was just a dream.

 

            For the first time, I woke up to these brand new feelings that I could never predict myself having; and yet I find myself wondering what the hell to do.  Starting a relationship right now was reckless, distracting, and pushing everything to fast just because of emotions, typical girl shit.  Right now, I couldn’t pull myself to do it.  Because the scariest thing, it’s all I wanted.  I had to put some place between us, before I ruin everything as usual.

 

            I went in to the living room, finding Ri and Tay playing acoustic guitar together, which sounded amazing.  I stood there watching them, noticing how good they were together.  It was cute, especially since they were just messing around.

 

  I laughed, “How are you guys hyper at 8 in the morning?”

 

  “Riley’s moving in with me today,” Taylor smiled.

 

  “That was fast!  I’m glad!  I gotta get ready to go see Josh.  I’ll see you later,” I asked Riley.

 

  “Yup.  Maybe we can hang out after practice or something.”

 

  “I’d love that,” I smiled.  She walked over and gave me a tight hug.  I didn’t want to let go.

 

  “Good luck today,” she said, smiling before her and Taylor walked out.  Yeah she was adorable today.

 

            I was nervous to be alone with Josh… it’d be kind of awkward considering what happened last night, and I was afraid that I couldn’t focus after a dream like that.  But, we needed to start working on the album before tour, or else we’d never get anything set in stone.  Plus, it keeps me distracted for how much I just want to kiss Riley’s face off.  Let’s pretend I never said that…

 

            Two hours into Josh’s and my plan and song writing, Riley texted me and asked me how things were going.  To be honest, it was boring without her, and I told her that.  She said she missed me and that her and Taylor were writing as well.  Aww she missed me, really?  That’s so sweet.  God she makes it really hard to think anymore.

 

  My phone rang and Josh instantly shot me an annoyed look, but I answered it anyway.  And immediately Riley answered, “Yeah I hate texting haha.  I have some bad news.”

 

    “What,” that came out way louder than I meant it to.

 

  “Uh, well I have to go home for awhile.  I want to end things there and pack up and come here.”

 

  “Whoa, like you want to permanently move up here?”

 

  “I don’t know what I want haha I’ve never been on my own.”

 

  I avoided the weird looks on Josh’s face as he listened and went in the other room, “But you’re not alone… you have me and Taylor, and Jeremy.  I’ll do anything,  anything to help Riley.”

 

  “When you guys go to Denver on the tour, will you come get me?”

 

  “Of course!  Listen, after that let’s just drive together to the next show in Utah.  You could use the time… and I’ll miss you.”

 

  “Sounds amazing Hayley.”

 

            I wasn’t going to see Riley for 4 weeks, and that was going to be awful, probably even more than I could imagine.  She was the only person who made the stress from it all go away.  And, I was just starting to take my feelings seriously.  God why can’t I just go with her?  Oh.  My.  God. I could.  We leave on Monday for tour, and if we fly it’d only take a day and a half to go there and back… it’s risky, but isn’t it completely worth it?  Then, I don’t have to wait to do anything.  Okay, now I had a plan!

 

  “Josh, I’m so sorry but I have to go early,” I said grabbing my stuff, “Riley needs my help.  She wants to move on from her family and go home to get her stuff… and I have to go with her.”

 

  He got confused, “But, we leave Monday and there’s still things we need to do… what about your family?”

 

  “They’re busy with their lives, and I need to do something for me and a friend.”

 

  “It’s just a bad time… what if you don’t make it in time,” he said, sounding more urgent.

 

  “You just said she’s a part of the band, Josh.  I’m confused.”

 

  “You’re being selfish Hayley… it isn’t all about you and Riley falling in love or whatever.”

  I laughed, “Oh yeah cause that’s exactly what I’m doing.  I don’t have time for this, I have to go.”

 

            And just like that, I walked out.  I did exactly what Riley said I should do, and I didn’t regret it one damn bit.  It felt incredible.  Mostly it felt incredible because I was going to be with Riley for the next 76 hours, unfailingly.  And, I had a plan to tell her more than I have been.  It’s about time that I open up to her, especially about why I’ve been so hesitant and drawn back.  Obviously, we both liked each other, maybe even love, and I wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of that.  This really was turning out like some crazy ass love story.  And, I was going to make sure it did turn out like that.

My current back drop project I’ve been wanting to work on for a year is a re-write of the story All I Wanted/The Only Exception.  It has been one of my favorites because it was so Paramore oriented and light hearted and fun.  It is a lot different from the old version; more detailed, split point of views, and even more based on Hayley’s life.  There are some new characters and events as well.  The new chapter will be up this weekend!

Here’s a preview and a little summary of some characters.

_______________________________________________________________

Riley

 

            The big race was today in Nashville, Tennessee; basically the race that would determine the rest of my career in motocross.  I was sitting in Brandon’s hotel room, wondering if my fan base would carry me to the win, or passed a loss.  Surprisingly, I had a large fan base full of women’s rights advocates and little girls who dreamed of kicking as much ass as I did.  Haha little did they know, it wasn’t easy or as much fun as you’d think.  Everyone wants to use me for money, or sex, and I was gay and all about the bikes and racing.  Though, nothing in my life was easy.  Especially this day; I’d be faced with a challenge and a choice that would change the rest of my life.

  “Paramore or Versaemerge today,” Brandon asked rigging up my helmet and ear phones.

 

  “Paramore.  It feels like one of those days.”

  He grinned, “I like how you pick them over your girlfriend’s band.”

  “Sierra is not really my girlfriend haha she’s too afraid of commitment.”

 

  “I’ve noticed.  Dude you need to get rid of her haha.”

 

  “She seems to like you,” I said putting my jeans on, remembering the looks she’d been giving him.

 

  “I wouldn’t go there and you know that.”

 

  “Yeah I know.  She would though, and that’s the problem.  Why can’t every girl be like Hayley,” I laughed.

  “Haha she’s one of a kind.”

 

  “Did I say that last night?”  I had gotten a little wasted last night, after one beer, I was weak.

 

  He laughed, “You said a lot.”

 

  “I don’t wanna know,” I shook my head.

 

  “No but I’m sure someone does.”

 

            The thing nobody understood in my life was the reason I always chose Paramore.  I had this deep, unexplainable, indescribable connection with the band, their music, and specifically Hayley herself.  This band took reality out of the picture and gave me this euphoric feeling.  Since the beginning of the band, I’ve been uncontrollably obsessed with them, and again specifically Hayley.  There was just something about her that I couldn’t really describe.  She was really my dream girl, since the beginning.  She was everything I wanted in someone, even just a friend.  It’s pathetic that no one understood that.

Hayley

            So today, I’ve gotten away from my controlling boyfriend, met Riley’s best friend, and gotten stuck with her girlfriend’s band.  Basically, everything is awkward and confusing.  But, as long as I got to watch Riley race, I was stoked as hell to be here, regardless of her annoying girlfriend who talked about other girls and guys.  Like, if I was with Riley Connor, I wouldn’t even care about anyone else!  Seriously!  What the fuck is Sierra thinking?!  Riley is a bad ass and hot as hell and really level headed, unlike most women out there.  There was nothing about her worth throwing a way.

  “Did you meet her,” Sierra asked as we stood behind the barricade, close to the trailer.

 

  “Nah she was getting ready, but we will definitely after.”

 

  “She looks hot today,” she laughed.

 

  “Are you crazy? She always looks hot!”

  “Oh really… hmm.”

  “What?”

 

  “Nothing,” she shrugged, “Sounds like you like her.”

 

  “I’ve never even met her!”

 

  “I can’t wait to see that!”

  “Wait, I thought you were her girlfriend,” I said, turning to her, confused even more.

  “No.  We’ve never been serious or actually together.”

 

  “Whoa, why?”

 

  “She’s too good for me,” She shrugged.

 

            I didn’t buy that.  Sierra seemed cocky from the first second I met her.  I mean, she obviously wasn’t interested in Riley that way.  I didn’t want to get in to their business, but Sierra was absolutely right even if she was lying.  Riley was WAY too fucking good for her.  I didn’t know Riley personally, but it was obvious form interviews that she was a well rounded person who didn’t cheat on her girlfriend haha.  Tonight, I was meeting Riley, and from a stranger’s perspective I was going to tell her about Sierra, maybe. 

 

…………..

My boyfriend, Josh was controlling, especially when it came to our band.  Everything was on his terms and his idea, when he actually didn’t contribute as much as the four of us.   I love Josh, but there were things I never knew about him that kinda make me wonder if this relationship is worth it.  We’ve been off and on for about 3 years, because of him.  I found myself asking if he really loved me most of the time, and asking why the hell I loved him.

 

I wanted someone different, even just as a close friend.  Josh and I just kept going in circles, and after meeting someone new like Riley, I began to realize it was time to stop all the rapidity of my life.  I wanted to start over.  As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to get closer to Riley.  I mean, she had some strength that I didn’t have, and obviously maturity.  There was something that was drawing me to her, whether it was a set up or not, it was real.  And, I wanted to get back into reality.

_______________________________________________________

Chapter 7

             

 

2 years later

 

Hayley

 

            Everything was sooo different now.  Touring never stopped, writing never stopped, and I was still hiding who I was.  The new album caused a lot of events that I didn’t know would happen.  We signed full time to Atlantic, the 3 of us grew closer, and Catie was honestly being left out.  She was an official member of the band, and still no one could get used to the changes.  She was controlling, a perfectionist, and kind of bossy, the opposite of what we wanted to work with.  The differences were destroying our relationship, and keeping us apart.  I didn’t know how to fix it, I just knew how to move on and deal with it, but I didn’t want to.

 

            I found myself questioning my judgment, my career, and my sanity at this point.  There was something I did to screw everything up, something that forced Catie to change.  We never got married.  I lost the calendar.  We never came out to the fans together.  We never did anything we said we were going to do, because I let the band take over my life again.  I didn’t know how to balance anything anymore, because I’ve never had anything besides the family and the band.  It was all crashing down because of me, and I eventually found myself breaking under the pressure.

 

            We were headlining the FBR festival in LA this year; we were all excited and ready to play for 30,000 fans.  I was sick, beyond sick.  I was coughing the entire day and I could barely talk without tearing up from the pain.  I had zero confidence in my voice right now, but I didn’t have a choice.  I was used to sucking it up for the fans.  I had to go out there, and I thought I’d be okay, like how bad can it get?  Well apparently it can get really bad.  It started out great, and the pain was starting to fade.  It was crazy high energy and the most fun I’ve ever had on stage.  We sounded better than ever.  Until the 6^th song.  My voice began cutting out and I could hardly get power into the notes.  Jeremy and Taylor started noticing I was beginning to suck majorly, and we took a break early.

 

  “What’s going on Hayley,” Taylor asked backstage.

 

  “I I don’t know,” I could barely speak now.

 

  “It’s almost over okay,” he said reassuringly putting his hand on my shoulder.

  “Yeah we only have 7 songs left,” Catie said, coming up and looking worried.  “Hayley, what’s going on?”

 

  “I’ve just been sick all day, it’ll probably be fine.  I’ll just… drink more water,” I laughed.

 

            A second after that, I started coughing again, uncontrollably this time.  There was no way I could sing like this.  Jeremy went back onstage and played a bass solo with Taylor on drums.  Catie stayed with me, like usual and got the medics in to look at me.  Turns out I had a fever of 101 and strep throat of the worst kind.  When they asked me questions, I couldn’t even answer them.  Catie had to answer them all.  Progressively, I was feeling worse, nauseous and like I had the chills.  Right then, I knew this wasn’t just some cold.  This was not good.

 

            They took me to the hospital, but I didn’t really remember getting into the ambulance with Catie.  I started panicking.  What if Jeremy and Taylor and everyone didn’t know I was gone?  Fuck this was a mess, and once again it was my entire fault.  I started crying; from a mix between pain, fear, and defeat.  Catie put her arms around me and wrapped the blanket around both of us.  I felt a bit better, but my stomach was getting worse and the coughing at the same time.  I honestly thought I was dying, and I could tell Catie was just as worried.

 

Catie

 

            I’ve never seen anyone this sick in my life.  Regardless of what’s happened, she was my girlfriend and I loved her more than anything, and I’ve never been so worried in my life.  The strep had spread to her lungs, which was normal for not going to the doctor, ever.  It was dangerous, which made this whole thing worse.  Fuck the band and the fans, right now she was all that mattered, and I had to make her see that.  She always feels regret when she’s sick or not doing her best, she absolutely doesn’t follow the things see preaches about self preservation, and it was killing her.  Seeing her sick like this made me realize, I should’ve change things in our life before this happened.

 

  “I’m sorry,” she said, still crying as they took her into the hospital room.

 

  “Stop fucking apologizing, you need to focus on you,” I said kissing her forehead.  “They have to kill the infection before they can take your tonsils out, but you’ll get better fast.  I promise.”

 

  “It’s hard for me to do that,” she frowned even more and gripped my hand harder.

 

  “Hey, the fans don’t want you dead do they?”

 

  She went quiet and then laughed, “No you’re right, I’m too quiet dead.”

  I smiled and hugged her, “I’ll see you in an hour.  They have to check you out and get the IV set up.”

 

  “I’d rather you checked me out,” she said grinning, trying not to cough.

 

  I kissed her, “Haha of course you do.  I love you, and I’m sorry, about everything.”

 

  She kissed me back and grabbed my face, “I love you too, but do not ever apologize.  You did nothing wrong.  It was me, and I missed being like this, so much.”

 

  “I missed it too.”

 

            Waiting; fuck I hated it.  Everyone was looking at me like I was insane, probably because I was pacing back and forth and crying intermittently.  I was freaking the fuck out and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Normally, I’d go drink and have a cigarette with Jim, but now I honestly had to deal with it differently, and no one taught me how.  I was scared, because I couldn’t lose her.  She just didn’t fucking deserve this.  I’d give anything to be the one in there right now.  I sat down and thought about it, trying to calm down.  Maybe, it was better than it looked and she’d get better quicker.  I had to start looking on the bright side, or I couldn’t be there for her.

 

            I eventually fell asleep at 2 in the morning, finding myself falling into a very light sleep.  I had a usual nightmare of losing Hayley as I always did, but this time I couldn’t wake up to her like usual so I would forget it.  This time I woke up, finding out that her condition was worsening.  Blood was beginning to fill her lungs and they couldn’t use a breathing tube.  The infection was bad, but they still had high hopes of killing it before it spread.  There was another problem brewing though, something that the entire world was afraid of.  Would she ever be able to sing and tour again?  Would she ever be the same after this?  I didn’t care as much as she would, because I just wanted her to be okay.  Everyone was trying to comfort me, but they didn’t understand my position.  Everyone as in, Jeremy, Taylor, some of Hayley’s family members, and surprisingly her mom still gave a fuck and showed up.  But, I didn’t want fucking sympathy, I wanted an answer to if she was okay.  I needed to hear that, but she wasn’t fucking okay.

 

  “Freaking out isn’t going to help.  I thought you were the mature one,” Her mom said, sitting next to me.

  I was leaned over, staring at the floor holding my head, “So I’m not supposed to be worried about losing the woman I love?”

 

  She was silent for a bit, “You have a point…  I guess I would be the same way.”

 

  “Haha maybe, you seem pretty calm now,” I laughed sarcastically, “I didn’t ask for your help.”

 

  “I know that you love her, but this is your fault.  You pushed her to do this and didn’t pay attention like you’re supposed to,” she said, clearly with a shitty attitude.

 

  “You don’t think I know that?  You seriously don’t know anything about me or our relationship, so fuck off, again.”

 

  “I don’t want to learn, I just want you to learn that you’re not good for her!”

 

  Jeremy interrupted quickly, “Stop arguin’.  We’re here for Hayley, and Catie hasn’t done a damn thing wrong,” he sat on the other side of me and gave me a one arm hugged. “We’re all scared.  We don’t need to take it out on each other.  All we can do is pray.”

 

  “Thanks Jeremy,” I said hugging him back.

 

            Taylor, Jeremy, and I waited together, all sitting close and talking about how scared we were.  I didn’t even care about what Hayley’s mom said.  I was just replaying the entire day in my head.  Hayley had a cough all day, but that’s normal especially with a cold.  Her doctor said it was just a cold.  But it wasn’t just a cold, it was killing her.  I started crying, I couldn’t even think about that.  I was tired, scared out of my mind, and lost completely.  And to make it worse, I missed her.  And, I wondered if she felt the same.

 

Hayley

 

            I’ve never missed anyone this much in my life.  I wanted Catie in here so bad, but I understood why she couldn’t be.  She didn’t want to see me like this, no one did.  Even I hated this; it was painful torture that made me wonder how much more I could take.  Every short breath I took burned and hurt my entire chest, my ribs hurt from coughing so much, my throat hurt, and I felt like I was slowly losing consciousness.  But, thinking about Catie, Jeremy, Taylor, the fans, and God, got me through this and kept me going.  I could give up, but I wouldn’t.  I was 23; I had a successful band and a relationship to repair.  Fuck everything that was standing in my way of being with Catie and the band.  Fuck everyone who said I’d never make it through anything.

 

            I woke up, feeling a lot better than before, which just meant I’d be having surgery.  Once they took my tonsils out, all I had to do was heal; which also meant I got to go home with Catie.  But, I also knew recovery from this would take a month or more, because it did nearly kill me, and who knows if I ever fully recover… I really didn’t even want to think about that, but it was in the back of my mind the whole time.   Letting our fans and the band down would kill me, hopefully not literally, especially knowing it was my fault because I don’t know how to take care of myself.  This was a cluster, and I was the one who it was all centered on me.   

 

            I didn’t want to be negative, because that obviously wasn’t going to help me recover.  It was a little bit after 11, which meant I had four hours or so before the surgery; which meant I got to spend the whole time with Catie, hopefully.  There was no one else I wanted to see right now.  I needed my girlfriend, haha because she can always make me laugh, no matter how bad I feel or what the situation was.  Even when she came in the room, smiling and looking calm as ever; I smiled and knew no matter what, I had her.

 

  “Get over here,” I yelled, smiling my face off.  I sat up as she came over, hiding something behind her back.

 

  She laughed and kissed my forehead, “I brought you something.  I know it’s overrated and cheesy, but I don’t care,” she handed me flowers.

 

  “Awww it isn’t cheesy.  You’re adorable and sweet,” I reached up and kissed her.   “And you’re the first one to ever bring me my favorite kind!”

  “Haha well I had some help from the fans,” she laughed.  She sat down next to me, looking exhausted.

 

  I looked at her, “You were scared weren’t you?”

 

  She sat silent for awhile, staring at the floor, then she turned and looked at me, “More than I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

 

  “You don’t have to be now.”

 

  “I can’t help it.  I was so afraid of losing you that it changed my entire outlook on the whole situation.  I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I still don’t.”

 

  “Catie, I really am getting better, you know that,” I took her hand.

 

  “Yeah but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried,” she lay beside me, making me scoot over.  She held me and was squeezing me so hard it hurt a little bit, but I didn’t care.  I needed this.  “I can’t lose you,” she said starting to cry.

 

  This was a side of Catie I’ve never seen before, and she was making me cry.  “You’re not going to, ever.”

 

            She didn’t say anything; she just held me and rubbed my back while she cried for a really long time.  I’d never seen Catie so weak and vulnerable for as long as I’ve known her.  She was scared more than I was, and it was hard to see her so scared, but incredible at the same time.  She loved me, probably more than my stupid broken ass brain and heart would ever let me love her.  But, I couldn’t have her crying like this. 

 

  “Hey,” I said kissing her forehead, “There’s nothing to cry about.  I’m immortal,” I said laughing.

 

  She smiled and laughed, “Oh you think so,” she sat up and pulled me against her.

 

  I looked up at her, “I am Jesus you know!”

 

  She smiled bigger and touched my face, “You haven’t changed a bit.”

 

  “I love you Catie, you’re amazing, the best girlfriend ever.”

 

            She leaned over and quickly kissed me.  For some reason, this kiss was different than any kiss she’s ever given me; it was deeper, more passionate, and more like our first kiss all over again, except better.  She kept kissing me, making it impossible for me to not kiss her back.  We were now making out in the hospital, more hardcore than I even expected.  She ran her hand up the back of my shirt, which was all I was wearing, and I don’t think she realized that until she touched the side of my hip and left her hand there as she pulled away.

 

  “Um you’re going to have to stop me…”

 

  I laughed and pulled her hand off, “You’re funny babe.”

 

  “I forgot…” she sat there for awhile, zoning out.

 

  “How long has it been since we…?”

 

  “Like 5 months.”

 

  “Oh wow… what the heck is wrong with us?”

 

  “We over complicated everything like normal couples and let everything get in the way.  But, I don’t know how.  Because, I’m just so fucking in love with you and I want different outcome for us.”

 

  “Wow I feel the same way.  I say we restart, be idiot teenagers and always act like we’re in the honeymoon stage!”

 

  She laughed, “Who likes being mature anyway?”

 

  “I don’t, so let’s just make out some more,” I grabbed her and pulled her so she was against my right side.

 

            Catie and I kissed and smiled the entire time before everyone else got to see me.  Catie and I were back to how we’re supposed to be.  And today I really fell in love with her all over again.  It was the most incredible feeling ever and made me feel 100% better.  Things had to get worse before they got better, and to be honest, I didn’t mind it.  There was still a lot of fear of the unknown, but I knew a lot more about my life now than I did before.  I knew that no matter what the outcome was, there was always something waiting to make things more amazing.  And that was definitely going to be Catie.  But, recovery was going to be a long process and taxing on both of us.  I just wondered how bad it was going to get.

 

            

Chapter 2

Catie

            Paramore was on stage, absolutely getting the crowd hyped up for the entire show.  They were one of the best bands I’ve ever seen live.  Their energy, tight sound, personality, and music were made for the stage.  Especially Hayley.  I know I was extremely biased because I was completely in love with her, but she really was a brilliant lead singer.  God she looked amazing tonight, making everyone else look plain and lazy.  I knew she’d never like me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to get closer to her.  I hardly knew her, and I wanted to so I could figure out why I couldn’t stop thinking about her and staring at her.  Tonight I had to talk to her and invite her on the bus.

 

            Everything aside, tonight was going to be amazing, first show of the tour.  The headliner is supposed to be the coolest band to listen to and see, and I had no doubt we could achieve that.   Singing was seriously my favorite thing in the world, and probably the thing I was the best at in life.  But, I noticed it felt a lot different now than it did before.  Every word I sang, I truly felt and felt like presenting in more and more in the performance.  I hadn’t felt this alive in a very long time.  I don’t know if it was the crowd, the first show, or Hayley causing this, but it was amazing.  I was going crazy and questioning whether I was going to over step my boundary tonight… and I don’t think I would regret it.

 

            Hayley came to our dressing room after the show, by surprise.  I felt so god damned nervous, especially with Jim talking to her while I changed.  I was going to ask her to come to the bus, but I was beginning to think it was a bit too early and sending the wrong message.  I wanted to get to know Hayley, and not freak her out.  I walked out into the lounge, staring at her the entire time she was talking to Jim.  She was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, especially up close.  I felt light headed, short of breath, and like I wanted to just hold her.  It made me feel like a creep.

 

  “Catie!  How are you,” she asked excitedly, her eyes widening and her smile getting huge like a little kid.

 

  “Amazing that you’re here,” I’m so cheesy.

 

  “Aww you’re so sweet,” she smiled and hugged me with one arm around my shoulders.  She could barely reach.

 

  I laughed, changing the mood so it wouldn’t get awkward, “How are you?  You look tired after the show.”

 

  “Yeah I am, but I feel good otherwise, especially since we’re talking more,” she smiled.

 

  “Yeah that’s how I feel haha.  You want to go for a walk?”

 

  “Sure, that’d be amazing!”

 

            We walked outside, smiling at each other back and forth.  It was humid and cold outside, forcing us to put our jackets on, but it wasn’t a bad thing.  We talked about the show and how amazing our fans are.  Simple things to talk about were quickly running out, because we had so many things in common.  We went into lyric writing and talking about how we came up with melodies and extra little instruments phrases.  Randomness was definitely one of the biggest things we had in common, and honesty of course.  Hayley was a perfect girl, deep and complicated, but very down to earth and easy to know if she liked you or not.  She didn’t make me feel weird or like I was over stepping some imaginary boundary.  I was definitely falling for this girl.

 

  “Catie, how come you’re like not afraid of anything?  Like, you just throw yourself out there and give everyone pieces of your personal life…  I could never be like that.”  We sat on a bench in the park next to the venue.

 

  “Haha well being in metal makes it completely different.  The media pays no attention to metal, no one takes it seriously haha, just the veterans.  I have to have everything out in the open, it’s the only way I can write music,” I practically stared at her, from amazement that she’d ask a question like that.

 

  “Wow.  That’s amazing haha, I’m jealous.  We’re one of the biggest bands now.  It’s crazy, because I never expected to end up like this.  I’m so pressured because so many people look up to me,”

 

  “So you’re afraid to be open about a lot of things?”

 

  “Yeah, especially like the biggest secrets, it’s hard to just tell the entire world that some things they think about you are wrong.  But, I’m only hiding it because of Josh.  He put this band in this label and everyone thinks that his label is the band.”

 

  I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, “Hayley, Paramore is you.  You’re the reason the band is so popular and so loved.  Josh’s labels aren’t relevant, and you need to tell people that.  You deserve to live how you want to live and not let strangers or dick heads change that.”  It felt so fucking good to say that.

 

  “It’s not just the fans… it’s my friends, family, and everyone else,” she sounded stressed, pressured, and sad, everything she didn’t deserve to feel.  I think I knew what the big deal was.

 

  “Hayley, are you gay?”

 

  She got nervous and snuggled up to me, “Yeah I am and only you and Jen know.  I hate it.”

 

  Wow holy fuck, selfish thoughts were rushing to my brain.  I knew it damnit!!  “Why the fuck are you single?”

 

  She laughed, “Because I’m self conscious about the whole girl thing, and it has to be kept secret till I’m sure it wouldn’t ruin my life… and I want to find the right person,” she paused and went silent before laughing nervously, but quiet, “I want to fall in love I guess, so I know I am actually gay.”

 

  “That’s actually amazing, and the right way to do it.”

 

            I didn’t know what else to say, besides something that would completely ruin the friendship, especially if she feels the same way I do.  There was just something between us, I knew it.  We had this honest, undeniable, chemistry where we always ended up in the same place and talked about the similarities in our preferences.  Now that I knew she wanted a girlfriend, I had an impulse to try to be the one she needed, because that’s how I was clearly feeling about her.

 

Hayley

 

 

            That night, I went to bed with way to many things spinning in my head.  I was bound by this other world, but I was being told that the other world wasn’t a part of me because it held me back now.  I was so confused, like how was I supposed to just merge all of it together and maintain friendships, fans, and the entire band.  This was really complicated and confusing.  I didn’t know what to do mentally, but I knew following my heart was the only way to go anymore, because my brain has over ruled for too long because of everyone else pressuring me to live another way.  This isn’t as easy as it should be, I mean all I want is someone to be with who understands the way my life works and will accept everything about it.  But, it turns out I was the only one who was truly in the way.

 

            I got dressed and trying to look decent, hurrying to catch Jen before they went to IHOP.  Skillet was pretty much obsessed with late night pancakes, and I couldn’t deny that comfort food sounded really good right now.  Jen was definitely the right person to be around now, because she told the absolute truth without any hang ups.  Also, she knew a lot about me and everything having to do with love, which I knew too less about.  I needed someone to tell me what I should do, especially regarding Catie and our feelings for each other.

 

  “Jen,” I ran to catch up with her as the band was walking down the street.  I hugged her, “How are you?”

 

  She hugged back, “I’m amazing!  I see your doing well.”

  “Really,” I was wondering why in the world it seemed that way.

 

  “Yes, you’re smiling and energetic again… you talked to Catie didn’t you,” she grinned.

 

  “Yeah I did actually… she knows now.”

 

  We kept walking behind the group, “That’s great!  Hayley, whatever else you’re thinking about is irrelevant.  Catie really likes you.  Didn’t you notice?”

 

  I was speechless for awhile, replaying our conversations and body language in my head.  “Yeah I guess so.  You think she’s not that amazing with just everyone haha?”

  “No, I think you guys have something and are both being way too hesitant about it.  It sucks, because you both are so much happier with each other.”

 

  “I don’t know what do though,” I was whining a little, because I was sick of hearing it.  I just wanted actual guidance instead of things I already knew.

 

  She giggled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, “You’re over thinking it bud.  Catie is a total guy!  What would you do with a guy who likes you?”

 

  “Um… I guess I would start dressing better and calling them more and invite her to dinner with the band and stuff,” I smiled nervously as I said that.

 

  “See, was that so hard?!”

 

  I smiled and nodded, “No, just I don’t know.  She makes me nervous like some school girl.  I haven’t felt like this since I was thirteen I guess.”

 

  “Aww you totally love her!”

 

  “I think I do…”

 

            Jen was right, I was totally over reacting.  It would take a lot for the world to notice simple things like what Jen said I should do.  And, Catie was worth it, but I wanted to protect her from the media at the time.  She said she wasn’t ever in the media, because of the metal label, so she wouldn’t be used to it at all.  We had to keep it secret for as long as we could, because the last thing I wanted was for Catie to feel threatened by the me and the band’s popularity.  Tomorrow, I was going to start being myself, regardless of anything else.  And, I was going to tell Taylor and Jeremy.  All of this was under my control right now, and I wasn’t going to mess that up.

 

            I woke up the next morning, literally jumping out my bunk.  I threw on an orange and black skirt I had made a while back and a black tanktop, and also makeup.  I was actually attempting to look like a girl today, and it was really fun to be honest.  The second I was done, I walked to the front and sat next to Jeremy who was texting Kat.

  “Hey, is it okay if Catie comes with us to dinner before the show tonight?”

 

  He looked surprised, “Duh, she’s awesome… why you asking permission?”

 

  “Uh… well it’s going to be kind of a date thing…”  I was so freaking nervous!

 

  He smiled, “That’s awesome Hay, its fine with me.  You’re asking her?”

 

  “Yeah, I don’t think she knows I like her that much yet haha.”

 

  “She’s such a guy haha, well she’ll fit right in… and definitely say yes.  She stares at you a lot,” he laughed and hugged me before going of to call Kat.

 

            I was relieved at how easy it was to tell Jeremy… but it was weird considering he wasn’t too surprised or anything.  Was it that obvious now that I liked Catie?  I mean I wanted it to be obvious, but it was so embarrassing.  And now, I had to actually ask her out tonight, which I wasn’t honestly ready for, but I had to before it was too late.

 

 

  She started laughing right when she answered her phone, “I was literally just going to call you!”

  “Are you serious?!  That’s amazing!  So um tonight there’s a dinner for the band at some pizza place, no idea where it is,” I was ranting, bad idea.  “You want to come?  You could be like my date or something…”  I was nervous out of my mind.  To make things worse, she went silent.yl

Chapter 1

 

Catie

 

            I sat in the rehearsal hall, going over the songs with the band.  This was the first tour Stone Sour was going to be on in 2 years,and excited was a large understatement for how all of us felt.  It was amazing to think we’d be going on tour with a bunch of different bands we’ve never toured with before.  Jim, Josh, Roy, and Shawn were my best friends and band mates since 1993.  Jim was the best guitar player I’ve ever heard and the father I never had.  So, you’d think I’d trust his judgment with everything… but I didn’t.

 

            Today was the first day that I’ve actually felt happy since the last tour.  Charlotte was moving in with me to take care of my house in Nashville while I was on tour.  We’d been together for 3 years now, and it was obvious we already knew what we wanted.  She was the first woman to ever not fuck me over and ruin everything I worked for.  She was different and someone I could trust.  She didn’t want my money, fame, or anything I had.  Charlotte loved me and wanted me. But, all of this wasn’t enough for Jim to approve of her.  He didn’t trust her at all, nobody did but me, and I eventually found out why.   I only had a month to spend time with her before the tour, but I came to find out that that was way too long.

 

            A week after she moved in, everything began to change in a twisted, fucked up way.  Turns out, Jim was right.  This bitch came to be a drunk and absolutely insane.  I sat on the couch, waiting for her to come home at midnight.  I was scared and stuck, not being able to move or do anything to make myself feel better.  After 3 years of being with Charlotte, I began to see the real Charlotte.  I wondered if she faked it the whole time just to trap me here.  Whatever she did, it worked.  I was trapped with her, because I had nowhere else to go.  She became abusive and almost bipolar, nothing like the woman I was in love with.  Every single day I asked for it to stop and for the strength to run from her, but it didn’t come soon enough.

 

            As always, music was saving my life.  Today I woke up to find I was leaving for tour today with the band, and there was nothing she or I could do about it.  I was scared about leaving her alone in my house, but that didn’t matter right now.  This tour was going to be the best tour we’ve ever been on.  We were touring for our new album, Audio Secrecy, which was the best album we’ve ever made so far.  The tour included Paramore, Shinedown, Skillet, and The Swellers.  The tour was a mash up of Atlantic Records, FBR, and Roadrunner Records high selling and heavier artists.  It was brilliant, and surprisingly it was already one of the best selling tours of the year, and we’re the ones who suggested it.  Okay so, all of this was not the only reasons why I was so fucking excited.  There were other women on the tour that I thought were brilliant, and hot as hell.  Specifically one, I mean no one I knew could ever deny Hayley Williams was one of the most amazing front women ever.  But, of course I still had a girlfriend and I was going to honor that.

 

  “Hey there’s your future wife,” Jim said laughing and pointing to Hayley as we got off the bus in Little Rock, Arkansas.

 

  “Oh I wish, if she even talked to me I’d be lucky.”

 

  “Go talk to her dude, you really like her,” Roy said.

 

  “Yeah that’s the problem, I can’t like anyone besides Charlotte.  It’s too complicated.”

 

  Jim grabbed me and picked me up and looked at me, “Are you fucking stupid?!  Charlotte doesn’t matter right now!  Man the girl of your dreams is sitting right over there!”

 

  “Fuck you’re right!  Damnit we’re on tour and I can do whatever the fuck I want because I am Caitlin Taylor and I am great with girls!”

 

  He dropped me, “Don’t get too cocky,” we all laughed.  “Let’s all go with her.”

 

            I wasn’t too keen on this idea of Jim’s, but I wanted to go meet the other bands anyway.  The reason why this was such a big deal was because I had a weakness for lead singers, red heads, short girls, and green eyes, and Hayley had all of that and so much more.  This girl was the absolute definition of perfection, not to get too cheesy or anything, but if I could have anyone in the world, it’d be her.  But that will never, ever happen.  She’s completely straight and probably has 5 guys currently fighting over her.  I never had a chance, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try.  Maybe she could be my friend, which just thinking about helped so fucking much.

 

  “Oh my gosh it’s Stone Sour,” Hayley said excitedly, jumping up off her chair in the signing booth.  The whole band stood up instantly, looking nervous to meet us.  They were more nervous than me haha.

 

  “Haha hey guys, need some help signing,” Jim said, pushing me forward, “Catie would LOVE to help,” he winked.

 

  I elbowed his arm and laughed, avoiding eye contact with Hayley, “He’s trying to hide his nerves to meet you guys.”  They all laughed.  So glad Josh wasn’t in the band anymore, the 3 seem happier now.

 

             That was the first time I met Hayley and she met me, obviously.  We didn’t talk much, probably because I’ve never been that nervous in my entire life.  But, just from those 2 hours I spent sitting with her, I already knew we could be amazing friends.  She’s the sweetest and most down to earth woman I’ve ever met in my entire life.  She was so modest and normal, but so different from anyone I’ve ever met in my life.  I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I didn’t mind or see it as a bad thing.  Charlotte can fuck off; I’m allowed to dream still.

 

Hayley

 

            Meeting Stone Sour was one of the most amazing things that have ever happened to me.  Catie Taylor and Jim Root are the two most iconic musicians today in rock and alternative.  I’ve always been a HUGE fan of Stone Sour, especially that Catie leads the band with so much power.  And she’s probably one of my biggest inspirations ever.  She owned her secrets and put them out there and shared everything with the fans and the entire world.  She wasn’t afraid of anything.  She wasn’t afraid that everyone knew she was gay and she refused to hide it.  It was just so amazing.  But, no matter how much she inspired me, I could never do the same.  It was too late, mostly because Josh put all these labels and expectations on the band that still existed after he left.

 

            I just couldn’t be with another guy again.  I was sick of feeling unhappy in relationships all the time and them only liking me for my looks and money.  It hurt me and my confidence immensely, so much that it used to get in the way of my job.  Now it was the secret hurting me and distracting me from growing musically with Jeremy and Taylor.  I knew they wouldn’t care if I told them I was going gay, but it felt like if I told one person, more and more people would find out.  It was so freaking frustrating.  I had to tell someone, someone who wasn’t so involved with the band or anyone around me.  I just needed to find the right person, and one did come to mind.  Jen Ledger, the drummer of Skillet.  We’ve hung out a lot back in Nashville before the tour and she was amazing!  It had to be her.

 

            To make things more complicated, I couldn’t stop thinking about Catie before I went to sleep.  She was this confident, amazingly strong, and hot chick who sang and wrote music for a headlining metal band.  She had this vibe that you couldn’t escape or ignore, like she’d do anything for anybody and didn’t care what anybody thought about her.  I just couldn’t deny that she was perfect and that I wanted to spend way more time with her.  Maybe I liked her more than I actually should.  It was just stupid to even be thinking about her like that, it would never work because we’re both famous and both on tour.  And, I probably wasn’t her type.  But I can dream can’t I?  Since most of my dreams actually came true, I let this one make me happy and put me to sleep.  Tomorrow night was there first show of the tour, and it was going to be the best so far!

 

The Next Day

 

            I woke up early, already feeling nervous about everything that was going to happen today.  I was immensely excited for the show, talking to Jen about everything, and talking to Catie more!  It was all going to be a step forward to actually being happy for me.  I was actually doing things for myself instead of the band and everybody else, and it felt really good.  I was actually wearing a skirt and makeup today, which wasn’t something I’d done all year.  I felt confident and more like me than I’ve probably ever felt.

 

  I went and found Jen in the venue where the catering was and surprised her with a big hug, “Jen!  Hi!  How are you?!”

 

  She jumped excitedly and turned around, “Hey girl!!  I’m fantastic!  How are you?”

 

  “I’m great today,” we pulled away and sat at a table together.  “I need to talk to you about something…  it’s kind of hard for me to talk about,” I was honest as possible.

 

  “Of course Hayley!  You know you can tell me anything!  Why haven’t you called,” she asked sounding concerned.

 

  “Thanks.  Well, things have been really hard for me.  Josh dumped me and the band and I’m glad he did, but I found something out that kind of shocked me…”

 

  She hugged me from across the table, “I heard, I’m so sorry about it.  What’s up,” she pulled away.

 

  I leaned forward, took a deep breath to prepare myself to say something I’m not sure I was ready to say yet, “I think I’m gay, Jen…”

 

  She stood up and smiled, then walked over to me and made me stand up, then hugged me, “Hayley, you don’t have to hide that from anyone. You’re an amazing person and I’m sure everyone would accept it.

 

  Wow didn’t expect that reaction, “But everyone would freak out.  There is so much freaking pressure on me to be a role model,” I started venting. 

 

  “You have to let the world see you the way you want to be seen, if you don’t than it’s just a big fat lie like Josh was.  Hayley, really you shouldn’t let the pressure get to you.  Look at Catie!  She’s absolutely upfront with all her imperfections and truths!”

 

  “I wish it was that simple,” I frowned, “But it’s too late to just flip over and say ‘this is the real me!’  I don’t want to be celebritized for all the drama.”

 

  She laughed and sighed, “Celebritized isn’t a word!  And you know the fans love you no matter what!  Hayley, really it’s simpler than you think.”

 

  “Ugh,” I let my head thud against the table, “I’m just not ready for it all.  Its way too complicated for my life right now.  But it’s so depressing.”

 

  “You need a girlfriend!!!”

 

  I laughed and sat up, “I’m already working on that.”

 

  Jen gasped and grabbed me, pulling me to an empty part of the gigantic concert hall while we laughed, “You like Catie don’t you?!”  she shook me by the shoulders.

 

  I was surprised.  How did she know…  “Well yeah, I mean who doesn’t!?”

 

  “That is true!  But are you mad?!  What are you waiting for?!   She likes you too, quite a lot!”

 

  I almost fainted, “WHAT!?”

  She laughed and whispered, “Shhhh.  I heard her talking to Jim yesterday and he said that you’re the girl of Catie’s dreams!”

  I slid down against the floor, “Wow, really?”  I looked up at her and I knew she wasn’t lying.

 

            This whole thing just got completely insane and much easier, but even more nerve racking.  Catie Taylor admitted I was the one she wanted, over her girlfriend she’s been with three years.  This is crazy.  And, it’s all crazy enough to be possible.  I didn’t know where to start first.  It’s been a long time since I’ve gone through this like situation.  Talk about pressure, liking a person you don’t know personally, and then finding out the person likes you and still has a girlfriend.  Was I really ready to go for a girl?