I was standing in the airport, thinking over everything a thousand times. I was scared out of my mind to go home after everything that’s happened between my family and if. To be honest, I just wanted them to move on and see how happy and in love I am. I wish more than anything that everyone could just get along again and they’d trust Hayley. Right now, she was probably one of the most misunderstood people, which makes no sense because she’s amazing. Besides all of that, I was more worried and scared about leaving her. I knew she’d be fine… but I had no idea if I could.
What if I couldn’t handle it? What if it killed me to be away from her for like 3 weeks? I wish that I could take her with me and show her off to my entire family. It’d certainly prove how amazing she is. Fuck, now I was really questioning leaving, but it had to be done, because I had to stay in Nashville, but it runs out, amazingly, Nashville was coming with me…
This crazy ass girl that I’ve fallen head over heals in love with, casually stands next to me with a suitcase and a plane ticket, looking busy and like she’d been there the whole time. My god I love her. I started laughing uncontrollably, and so did she. I think we were laughing because, one we’re immature, and two we were fucking excited. This was really happening.
“I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me leave, “I smiled.
“Not by yourself anyway, I refuse to be away from you for that long!”
“I agree. I was just having second thoughts about leaving,” I said before turning to her and hugging her.
She cuddled into me, “Good thing I’m going then, and it’ll go a lot faster.”
“Thank god,” I kissed her head.
“This is all part of your plan isn’t it,” she laughed, pulling away.
“Nah, I didn’t have one… until now,” I grinned.
She grabbed onto my arm and jumped up and down, “Tell me!”
“You’ll find out soon enough.”
My plan involved sneaking in and out of my parent’s house and driving to my aunt’s house for the weekend. Simple enough right? Nope. There was way more to it than that. I knew this is the weekend I had to make something happened, before tour sucked up all our time and energy. And, I know she didn’t want me to do anything, but fucking hell, would you sit on your ass waiting for something to magically happen to get you and the girl of your dreams together? Fuck that. I was too in love with her for that, and obviously romantic. My plan would surprise her, but still be subtle. I was excited, and couldn’t wait.
“Why’d you come exactly,” I asked as we sat on the plane.
“I had to. I couldn’t let you go alone, and I didn’t want to be without you for three weeks,” she said, resting her head on the edge of my shoulder. She smelled amazing, as always.
“I didn’t either, but I thought there wasn’t any other way. I thought we’d be fine apart, and like we’d be able to move on with our lives. But, we couldn’t even stand the thought of it,” I laughed.
“Why’d you think I could be alright if you just left like that though?”
“I don’t know. I guess I see how close you and the guys are, and I thought the tour and all of your work stuff would be more important.”
“You obviously don’t know how important you are to me,” she said, sliding up and kissing my cheek. “I couldn’t even be alone with Josh… it was creepy!”
I laughed, “Why is it creepy?”
“Cuz he may still like me!”
“I’ll kill him.” I said seriously.
“Ooooo is someone jealous?!”
“Jealous, not anymore,” I shrugged, “But I am protective.”
“You’re sweet,” she smiled and latched onto my arm again.
As usual, Hayley fell quickly asleep, cuddled up against my side. She looked so adorable, especially today, but that was probably just because I was falling in love with her even more. It was perfect timing, even if neither of us had planned a damn thing out fully. It really was supposed to happen this way; I’m absolutely convinced that we’re meant to be together. If we weren’t, why is fate doing everything possible to get us together? It was obvious to me, but I worried about how Hayley felt, and I hoped this weekend would change her mind.
I woke up just as we landed, because the plan wasn’t exactly the smoothest or largest plane, which somehow I slept on. Hayley looked really tired, so I wanted to get to the house as quickly as possible. Tonight, we were sleeping in my bed together. God how long have I dreamt and wanted that? Only Brandon would be able to tell you, and I hope he doesn’t tell Hayley… that would be embarrassing, but at least she might think it was cute, maybe.
“I have no idea where we’re going,” Hayley said, sounding absolutely adorable.
“Home first. We’ll sleep there for the night and pack up and go to my Aunt’s.”
“Sounds perfect,” She grabbed my hand and smiled.
“Does it? Hmm… that’s good cuz you’re sleeping with me,” I grinned.
“Well where else would I want to sleep,” she laughed.
“Oh, well you could’ve told me sooner!”
“Well… I could’ve… but that would’ve ruined this entire romantic trip,” she said as we got in the taxi.
I smiled, “Who said that was the agenda?”
“I guess God did.”
“Guess that means I can do was I was just planning to do.”
She looked at me in the backseat, “I want you to.”
When Hayley said that, I instantly passed out from so many different feelings. It confirmed that she felt relatively the same for me as I did for her. And, she wasn’t hesitant about us anymore. This was an incredible step for us and our lives. From this weekend and on, we were always going to have each other. How did I know that? Because, trust me, I will never ever fucking let her go or do anything to lose her. And, I couldn’t fucking wait to tell her that. She needed that after all the band drama, and thinking that she wasn’t going to see me for almost a month. Still can’t believe I was that stupid, but fuck the past. Hayley wants me. Holy shit.
When we got to my house, we immediately snuck upstairs in the dark. Thankfully, I hadn’t forgotten the way to my room, because we probably would’ve tripped and killed ourselves. Luckily, the streetlight lit up my room a bit and we quickly got into it and started laughing as Hayley tripped over my foot.
“Haha luckily I didn’t hit your nose during the whole thing,” She whispered while laughing cutely.
“I know, it still hurts, you jerk!” Obviously I was kidding.
“Aww I’m sowwy,” she said pouting cutely, “You know, I could always kiss it better,” she said immediately changing tone, and wrapping her arms around my neck. I got really nervous at this point and nearly fell over just at the thought of it.
“You’re kidding right?”
She immediately stretched up and kissed me, hard, taking my fucking breath away instantly. I didn’t expect this at all, not even in my dreams. At first, I was just absolutely dumbfounded by incredible it felt. Her kissing me like this was so far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. After I stopped thinking, I started kissing back and wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her against me. At first, the kissing was slow and no doubt the hardest I’ve ever kissed anyone in my life, but soon it started to become increasingly passionate, beyond anything I would’ve imagined. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t feel my legs, and all I could do is think about how much more I was falling in love with her right now. God is this really happening right now.
When we finally shoved ourselves away from each other, I had to get the first words in, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” it barely came out due to lack of air.
She kissed me once again, “You definitely have no clue to how long I’ve wanted to kiss you Riley.”
“Then tell me,” I said smiling and picking her up and pulling her to my bed with me.
We instantly cuddled up, and she laid her head on my chest, “Remember the first time we slept on the couch together?”
I was surprised, “That soon?”
“Yeah, surprisingly. It’s never happened to me before. I mean, I certainly didn’t think it was possible to feel like this.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’m in love with you,” she said sitting up and looking at me.
“With me? Wow.”
“Yes you,” she smiled and leaned over kissing me and sliding her hands up to my neck.
“Good thing I’m in love with you too then,” I smiled before kissing her too.
The sun was literally coming up as we kept making out, not even noticing how long we’d been up, or giving a fuck. It was probably the most perfect way to start our relationship and break the ice of us being nervous. I was obviously still going to be a little nervous, but now I couldn’t hesitate or hold any feelings back. Now, I just had to face the reality of Hayley being my girlfriend and not fuck anything up, and that’s why I was nervous. Starting slow was the best thing I could do, but I had a feeling it’d be difficult, as Hayley wouldn’t stop kissing me. I could tell already, we’re going to be the most inseparable, lovey, charismatic, and deeply in love couple ever. This was the best day of my entire life.
Riley was absolutely the sweetest person ever. Kissing her changed my entire life in one second. I knew she was awesome, but she is incredible. The way she holds me and kisses me is indescribable. I’ve never had anything remotely close to anything like this, but I knew this is what being in love is supposed to be. Riley was definitely showing me and making me feel how she felt about me. I was happy now, more confident, and less worried about the things that are to come.
When I woke up, I felt majorly sleep deprived and dehydrated, but not even giving a damn, because Riley was still sleeping next to me. She was sleeping on her stomach, with her shirt slid up, which meant I was staring at her the whole time. I scooted over and pulled the blankets over us. I cuddled up against her and started rubbing her back. Her skin was incredibly soft, it was almost addicting. She started to wake up eventually, and weirdly, I got excited.
“Hey,” she said smiling and turning on her side, looking at me, “Sleep good?”
“Better than ever,” I said, cuddling up to her closer and tucking my arms under her shirt and resting my hands on her chest. God she was soft everywhere.
She held me, pressing me against her closer, “I love you, you know that?”
“I do now,” I smiled and reached up for her face, kissing her.
She pulled away and looked at me, “Today, you’re going to get annoyed from me reminding you.”
And just like that, we were kissing, again. I had a feeling the kissing wouldn’t stop for the next couple of weeks, but if she always kissed me like this, our control would fly out the freaking window. She had her arms tightly wrapped around my waist, her hands clutching my sides as we lay facing each other. She was kissing me, slowly alternating between kissing open and closed. It was slow of course and deep, but eventually, something insane came over us. I pushed her on her back and straddled her immediately, not even breathing or thinking as we started making out even harder. This was not some random act of a honeymoon stage… this was something I couldn’t even describe. God this is what real passion is.
Unfortunately for our brains and lungs, it did not stop there. She had her hands slowly sliding all over my body, like she practiced it in her head a thousand times. Her hands were soft and warm, and persistent on touching every single part of my body she could reach. She was now slacking on kissing as she ran her hands under my shirt up my back, then up my sides, slower this time. I could tell she was thinking about something.
“What are you thinking,” I asked staring at her.
She looked back at me and shook her head, “Nothing. It’s nothing, just good things.”
I smiled and put my forehead against hers, “No more secrets Riley.”
She grabbed my face and sat up, kissing me, “I just realized, I want to take this seriously and do this right. I really am so fucking in love with you, and I will do anything to have you, because I can’t be without you,” she said, quickly, but surely.
I couldn’t even begin to think of response as remotely beautiful as that. I started crying, because no one’s ever, ever said anything like that to me. It was every girls dream. A dream I sure as heck didn’t believe was real till now. “I love you, so fucking much,” I said before wrapping my arms around her neck and kissing her as hard as I could, “You make me speechless, and so many things I can’t even explain to you. I’m yours,” god it felt good to say that.
“We should probably get going,” She laughed.
“Yeah before we just make out forever!”
“Well I’d be fine with that,” she grinned and kissed me again.
Yup, today was the best day ever. Even though I was sleep deprived and possibly unaware of a lot of important things, I said and did everything I wanted to do to Riley… well almost everything I wanted to do haha, but that’s for later. It took us literally no time at all to pack everything she wanted. We were on some kind of speed or crack, because we went super stupid fast. It was awesome. Now the next challenge was meeting her confusing parents.
“Hey everyone, this is my girlfriend, Hayley,” Riley said, with the hugest smile on her face. However, we were the only ones smiling, besides her mom who was forced to stay quiet.
“So, how much is she paying you,” her dad asked me, thinking it was funny.
I was offended and not afraid to do something about it, “I don’t know what Riley did, but you should not be talking to her like that. She wants support and to prove that this is real. I mean, how is this your business anyways?”
He wasn’t happy, “You’re the reason she’s abandoned this family!”
“Maybe cause that’s what you’re supposed to do that when you’re an adult! Which is what she is and what she’s trying to be!”
“Hayley, it’s okay, let’s just go,” She whispered.
“Yeah, I don’t think this is worth it.”
I’ve never been so mad in my life. Her family has issues, like abandonment and trust issues. It seems like they’re too selfish to even see how happy Riley is and that we really are in love. When we got done loading the car, I wondered if we should just go home. I didn’t want Riley to get hurt, and Brandon already did that. I couldn’t let it happen again, because she deserves better. Her family is only going to hold her back, but I was kind of afraid of making it worse by telling her this.
I hugged her as we stood by the car, “Are you sure about this?”
“No. Not anymore, I kind of just want to forget and go home haha,” she sounded sad.
“I really think that’s for the best Riley.”
“I thought they’d change once they saw you, but they fucking didn’t. I just wanna be with you,” she said before kissing my forehead.
This made me smile, obviously, “You’re adorable. Let’s get out of here!”
“I like your bed better anyway haha.”
“I like you in any bed,” I winked before we got in the car.
“Oh god shut up, I’m the one driving!”
I laughed, “Oh that got to you?”
“You always get to me,” she said before kissing me.
“I’ll remember that!” She was quiet for awhile as she drove to the airport. I could tell she was thinking about something again, “What is it?”
“Nothing,” she smiled.
I shook my head, “Always planning something aren’t you?”“Maybe I am.”
The fact that the band was happy and not fighting was amazing, really, but that didn’t mean I had to like Josh. He was kind of full of himself, weird, and hard to read, but the fact that he was showing me guitar stuff with Hayley watching, made me feel like a god. The fact that I was knee deep in this band and everyone was getting to know me, and liked me, gave me the new start I wanted to have. I didn’t like Josh, but I didn’t hate him. At least he cared about the band and Hayley still.
“We have a week or so before tour,” he said as we sat in his basement, as the three of us were playing guitar. “And, I think you should consider joining us on tour. It’d be like part of your training haha,” he smiled, leaning up against the desk.
“Consider? Haha dude you don’t even have to ask,” I said looking at Hayley as she smiled.
“Hahaha great. Now we just need to teach you some songs, and maybe you can help us right. It takes a lot of practice to understand Hayley’s music terms.”
She laughed, “Sometimes I just can’t think of the right word!”
“I’m not even surprised, I have a feeling I know one percent of what I’m in for with her,” I laughed.
“You have no idea,” Josh shook his head.
“I’m not that bad,” she argued, standing up quickly. Little did she know, the guitar would end up smacking me in the nose. “Oh god I am that bad!” She freaked out handing Josh the guitar and turned to me, “I’m so so so so sorry Riley!”
I laughed, “I think you broke it,” I was messing with her.
“Oh my gosh I did?!” She started trying to pull me out into the kitchen. She threw me on the couch while Josh and I started laughing. She held ice on my nose, “I’m taking you to the hospital!”
I laughed and grabbed the ice, “Hayley I’m kidding, I’m fine, really. It’s just going to bleed for awhile.”
She paused for awhile, and then pushed my hand off and held the ice on, “Not even funny!” She growled as she said this.
We sat in awkward silence, I could tell she was thinking about something. I felt kind of bad for pulling that kind of joke on her. I didn’t know she’d react like that. Wow. She really cares about me, more than anyone.
“Aww were you worried,” I asked, looking at her.
She sat next to me on the couch, “Yeah I was, a lot haha. I don’t even know what came over me.”
“Uh I’ll give you two a minute,” Josh said before going into the other room.
“Are you sure you’re okay,” she asked, looking at my nose.
“Yes Hayley, I’m fine. It hurts, but not bad.”
She hugged me, “Good, I can’t have you hurting,” she laughed cutely.
“Let’s get back to work, Josh might feel left out,” I laughed.
The three of us were working on guitar parts until 1 in the morning. But, we were getting somewhere. It was fun, even though a lot of the time we were all so focused and serious about it all. I wasn’t as focused as them. I was thinking about earlier, when Hayley got protective of me. She was really genuinely worried and scared, and even though I laughed, all I was thinking about was grabbing her and kissing her. God when am I not thinking about that? I do every time she looks at me, every time she comes into the same room, and every time she basically does anything.
“Riley, you still with us,” Hayley asked laughing.
“Uh I think I’m getting tired haha.”
“Yeah me too, I’ll take you home,” she said grabbing her stuff and my hand, “Josh, keep me updated on the songs and stuff one week till tour!!”
“Yeah I will.. One question… are you two uh…?” He asked, raising one eyebrow and looking at both of us.
She sighed, “Why does everyone ask that? None of your business,” she smiled and pulled me out of the room. “I’ll drive,” she smiled as we got out to the car.
“Thanks Hayley, this was amazing,” I said as she started driving.
“Of course! I’m glad you and Josh get along… I’m surprised really,” she laughed.
“Me too haha. Still though, if he does anything stupid to you, I will kick his ass.”
“I’m sure you could… you’re pretty… uh yeah.”
I laughed at her inability to talk, “You tryin’ to say I’m built?”
She blushed, “Well yeah you’re really in shape and stuff.”
I smiled, “You’re adorable.”
It got quiet for awhile, like awkwardly quiet. I tried not to stare at her, but that wasn’t working. She was wearing a tank top, which obviously didn’t help with the staring. Her skin. I just couldn’t look at it without getting extremely frustrated from wanting to rip her clothes off. “You can lay on me… if you want,” she smiled and moved her arm behind my seat.
“Now why would I want to do that,” I laughed, laying my head against her chest.
“I have no idea. But, I’m freezing,” she laughed, shivering a bit.
I sat up and took off my button up shirt, putting it on her, “Bet Josh never did this,” obviously I was kidding, trying to be funny.
“Actually no, only you.”
“Wow. I’d treat you way better than that.”
She smiled, “You already do.” Damn right.
When we got to her house, she turned the lights on and put everything away as she made me wait on the couch. The cute thing was, she was still wearing my shirt and had it buttoned up. I could get used to her wearing my shirts, and nothing else, preferably just nothing at all but sheets, lying on top of me. I’m day dreaming again.
She brought a bunch of blankets to me, “I’ll set you up in my room on the couch,” she smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, walking me into her bedroom. The walls we a dark burnt orange, with dark gold trimming. Basically, exactly like you’d imagine her room would be like; very retro and 70s. “This couch is way better than the one in the living room, and this way you’re closer to me,” she smiled. She tucked me into it, covering me up and looking at my nose, gently touching it, “Aww it’s bruised,” she pouted.
“Yeah it hurts pretty bad…” I said sarcastically.
She kissed my forehead, “How’s that,” then she smiled.
“Didn’t feel it, go a little lower,” I grinned.
“You’re a perv,” she slapped my shoulder. Then she kissed my cheek.
“And you wonder why everyone asks you if we’re together!”
“Oh I know why, I just think they should shut up about it,” she sat on my lap. “Whatever happens happens. I’m sick of rushing things.”
I sat up and hugged her, “Let’s not even think about it. Keep doing what we’re doing because it’s working.”
She smiled and hugged me back, “Maybe you and Tay can get an apartment together.”
“I’ve actually been thinking about it, and that’d be awesome. We get along good… and it’d give us time away from each other.
“Yeah… that’s pretty important.”
Once Hayley went to bed, I was left thinking about everything she said. It’s like she wasn’t afraid of us getting close, and made it obvious that she kinda liked me, which made me nearly pass out every time I thought about it. The apartment idea was brilliant for getting us together. The more time alone Hayley had, the more she’d think about it and take time for herself. And then, I’d take her on a date. Haha but, then there’s touring, which was always crazy. There were so many wrenches to be thrown into the perfect plans I had, but I’d be patient, because holy fuck it was worth it.
I was sitting on the bus couch as the rain was splattering against the windows behind me. Jeremy informed me the show was cancelled because of the weather, and I was bummed as always. But, the dream was beginning to become more of a nightmare as Riley walked in with bags over her shoulders. Somehow, I knew exactly why she had her bags packed, and I instantly started crying my face off. I piled into her and she hesitantly wrapped her arms around me and held me, assuring me that I’d see her again, but I didn’t believe it. Josh came out of his bunk, yelling at her to get off the bus. She said nothing and jumped off, and my heart dropped into my stomach. To make things worse, Josh tried to kiss me, but I immediately pushed him off and jumped off the bus. This was the most intense dream I’ve ever had, and realistic. I felt the cold rain, I felt like the world was ending, and like nothing would ever be the same. But, little did I know, it’d have a happy ending. I caught up to her on the sidewalk and she turned around, freezing in place. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what I wanted to do to fix things. I grabbed her face and I kissed her, not hesitating a damn bit. It was the most incredible feeling in the world, and it was just a dream.
For the first time, I woke up to these brand new feelings that I could never predict myself having; and yet I find myself wondering what the hell to do. Starting a relationship right now was reckless, distracting, and pushing everything to fast just because of emotions, typical girl shit. Right now, I couldn’t pull myself to do it. Because the scariest thing, it’s all I wanted. I had to put some place between us, before I ruin everything as usual.
I went in to the living room, finding Ri and Tay playing acoustic guitar together, which sounded amazing. I stood there watching them, noticing how good they were together. It was cute, especially since they were just messing around.
I laughed, “How are you guys hyper at 8 in the morning?”
“Riley’s moving in with me today,” Taylor smiled.
“That was fast! I’m glad! I gotta get ready to go see Josh. I’ll see you later,” I asked Riley.
“Yup. Maybe we can hang out after practice or something.”
“I’d love that,” I smiled. She walked over and gave me a tight hug. I didn’t want to let go.
“Good luck today,” she said, smiling before her and Taylor walked out. Yeah she was adorable today.
I was nervous to be alone with Josh… it’d be kind of awkward considering what happened last night, and I was afraid that I couldn’t focus after a dream like that. But, we needed to start working on the album before tour, or else we’d never get anything set in stone. Plus, it keeps me distracted for how much I just want to kiss Riley’s face off. Let’s pretend I never said that…
Two hours into Josh’s and my plan and song writing, Riley texted me and asked me how things were going. To be honest, it was boring without her, and I told her that. She said she missed me and that her and Taylor were writing as well. Aww she missed me, really? That’s so sweet. God she makes it really hard to think anymore.
My phone rang and Josh instantly shot me an annoyed look, but I answered it anyway. And immediately Riley answered, “Yeah I hate texting haha. I have some bad news.”
“What,” that came out way louder than I meant it to.
“Uh, well I have to go home for awhile. I want to end things there and pack up and come here.”
“Whoa, like you want to permanently move up here?”
“I don’t know what I want haha I’ve never been on my own.”
I avoided the weird looks on Josh’s face as he listened and went in the other room, “But you’re not alone… you have me and Taylor, and Jeremy. I’ll do anything, anything to help Riley.”
“When you guys go to Denver on the tour, will you come get me?”
“Of course! Listen, after that let’s just drive together to the next show in Utah. You could use the time… and I’ll miss you.”
“Sounds amazing Hayley.”
I wasn’t going to see Riley for 4 weeks, and that was going to be awful, probably even more than I could imagine. She was the only person who made the stress from it all go away. And, I was just starting to take my feelings seriously. God why can’t I just go with her? Oh. My. God. I could. We leave on Monday for tour, and if we fly it’d only take a day and a half to go there and back… it’s risky, but isn’t it completely worth it? Then, I don’t have to wait to do anything. Okay, now I had a plan!
“Josh, I’m so sorry but I have to go early,” I said grabbing my stuff, “Riley needs my help. She wants to move on from her family and go home to get her stuff… and I have to go with her.”
He got confused, “But, we leave Monday and there’s still things we need to do… what about your family?”
“They’re busy with their lives, and I need to do something for me and a friend.”
“It’s just a bad time… what if you don’t make it in time,” he said, sounding more urgent.
“You just said she’s a part of the band, Josh. I’m confused.”
“You’re being selfish Hayley… it isn’t all about you and Riley falling in love or whatever.”
I laughed, “Oh yeah cause that’s exactly what I’m doing. I don’t have time for this, I have to go.”
And just like that, I walked out. I did exactly what Riley said I should do, and I didn’t regret it one damn bit. It felt incredible. Mostly it felt incredible because I was going to be with Riley for the next 76 hours, unfailingly. And, I had a plan to tell her more than I have been. It’s about time that I open up to her, especially about why I’ve been so hesitant and drawn back. Obviously, we both liked each other, maybe even love, and I wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of that. This really was turning out like some crazy ass love story. And, I was going to make sure it did turn out like that.
Haha turns out; things weren’t so bad after all, right now anyway. This beautiful women was lying on top of me sleeping soundly as I was texting her best friend. Jeremy wanted to talk to me tonight, but his girlfriend just came to see him from London. So, we devised a surprise “date” for both of them, but I was going to tell Hayley so she would get a chance to put some decent clothes on, instead of just torturing me. She was wearing a hoodie over a cut off shirt and then boxer shorts that hung down way too low for my health. I could see her waist and hips, and sometimes her belly button when she stood up. It was ridiculous; I knew she did it on purpose because she laughed at my embarrassing reactions. Resisting Hayley was like resisting breathing.
When she woke up, she smiled and cuddled into me closer, giggling cutely. She tucked her head into my neck and wrapped her arms around it. Meaning her entire body was pressed against mine, and I was staring down the back of it. God she had the nicest ass, legs, back, and shoulders. Fuck you brain, fuck you right now.
“Who were you talking too,” she asked, laying her head on my shoulder.
“Jeremy. He wants to take Kat and us out to dinner tonight at around eight. I said that’d be amazing.”
“That sounds fun, nothing new besides you. Jeremy and I are always having sleep overs.
“Let’s do it then,” I smiled. Holy shit.
I was nervous as fuck now. It wasn’t a date or anything, of course, but it was a big deal, I mean going to Jeremy’s with Hayley and his girlfriend was pretty involved. Just the fact that they wanted me here made me insanely happy and honored. Whatever was going on between me and Hayley was probably normal for her, and I was okay with that. Being friends like this for now was amazing and good enough for me.
When she came out of the room, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so amazed in my entire life. She was cute, gorgeous, and sexy all at the same time. She was wearing a band t-shirt, a ridiculously short plaid skirt and black tights, and to top that off she wore high heels. Only Hayley could make something like that look so fucking incredible.
“I literally just threw shit on,” she said laughing and sitting next to me.
“Uh you look fucking amazing.”
“Aww thank you!”
“I’m serious, you’re fucking beautiful.”
She said nothing, probably because I said that a bit too much like I was getting serious, and I understood that. But, Hayley and I got closer to each other by the second, which meant so much to the both of us. We talked the whole way there about the first day we met and about Kat and Jeremy of course. I just couldn’t believe how incredible today was, regardless of anything else. She looked so happy, hyper, and like herself again, and that’s all that matters. Tonight was just getting better and better.
After I met Kat and we ate, Jeremy took me out in his backyard to talk. I was nervous, but I knew he and I got along good, and we were on the same side of things. To be honest, standing out here with him was great and all and made me feel like a part of the family, but I missed Hayley within ten minutes… but I was kinda glad she wasn’t out here, this would be dangerously romantic.
“Haha do you see the way she looks at you,” he asked, smiling and leaning against the deck railing.
“Hayley? Nah she doesn’t, that’s all me.”
“Nu uh, dude she gets this look. This blank, sexy, attack you look!”
I laughed, “You’ve had way too much coffee. Listen, there is something going on, but it’s just not the right time to make any moves yet.”
“Yeah I get it. You like her though?”
“Yes, a fucking lot. She’s amazing.”
“Well the whole crew likes you Riley. You’re a good partner for us… and Hayley haha.”
“I hope so. She’s more perfect than any girl I’ve ever met.”
“Aw how sweet,” he laughed and punched my arm, “I trust you with her, more than Josh haha.”
“Haha really? That’s good because he’s an ass.”
“Yeah. I think he’s overstayed in the band, because he’s over stepped his boundaries, too many times. And, he doesn’t think much of you, or Hayley anymore for that matter.”
“Why, because he thinks I’m changing her?”
“Exactly. I’ve about had it with him, and most of the Farros.”
Turns out, there was a lot going on behind our backs. Josh and Zac have basically boycotted us, and everyone who supports our friendship. Apparently, Hayley talked about me during a practice or a meeting, and they took it as we were already together and she cheated on Josh with me. They had it ALL fucking wrong in their heads like little school girls. It pissed me off. I hated the way the treated and didn’t trust in Hayley, after all these years. I couldn’t let it go on too much longer. Or their heads would become trophies.
Despite of wanting to kill Josh and Zac, the whole date was, indescribable. I can’t even tell you how many times I laughed till I cried, wanted to kiss Hayley, and was thoroughly embarrassed. I couldn’t believe how well I fit in. All of us got along, way too well almost. We were probably the loudest double date ever, talking about the most ridiculous random shit. Hayley kept her hand on my leg or my hand most of the time, and I had my arm around her shoulder. Everyone already thought we were a couple, and that’s why we both kept blushing. I couldn’t believe it was real. And, turns out it lasted longer than we both expected.
We all decided to watch some movies in the living room, which was awesome because we all liked the same movies, and well I got to sit by Hayley on the couch. I wasn’t paying attention, once again. My arm was around her shoulders and she was cuddled up against me. She looked tired and kept yawning, which was adorable. I covered us up with a blanket, not really thinking. Who really can think around Hayley anyway?
“I’m going to fall asleep,” she giggled quietly.
“I won’t mind if you do.”
“Awww let me get a picture,” Kat said excitedly, scaring us. We tried to separate, but it was too late.
“Oh god,” Hayley blushed and ran to Kat, “Don’t you dare post that!”
She grinned, “Too late, fans are already dying from your cuteness.”
“I am going to murder you in your sleep,” she didn’t sound so convincing. And, to be honest, it was all going to come out eventually. So I got up and picked her up, “Put me down!” She was laughing and blushing.
“Shut it,” I flopped down on the couch and held her back from Kat, “I don’t care who knows.
She cuddled back into me and closed her eyes, “Me either,” she smiled and sighed.
“Tonight was amazing,” she looked up at me, “Even if it wasn’t official.”
“Awwwww I think they love each other,” Kat said.
Hayley threw a pillow at her, “None of your business!”
It was so true though haha. We did, no matter what we said or did to hide it. I understood Hayley needed time, and things were all over the place right now, which was not a good time to start a serious relationship. I was willing to wait as long as I had to, because I did love her more than anything. I wanted to know what she wanted in life, before I tried giving her my life, or I’d fuck things up for the both of us. I could never do that, and I won’t. She deserves better than anything she’s had for 10 years, and I was promising myself that I wouldn’t be an idiot. She’s worth the wait, the work, and everything. I know I am way too obsessed with her… but I don’t care.
What in the world was I doing here? I was lying halfway on top of Riley on the couch. And I was thinking that it was all right. I was thinking like a crazy teen age girl, which wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready, and I knew there was a large possibility of hurting Riley because of it. I wanted to stay like this with her, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings with my uncontrollable mood swings. I was ready to go back on tour and let things work themselves out, because if I made anything happen, nothing would turn out right.
I had feelings for Riley, shocker right? Well they were confusing ass feelings, because first I am enamored with her perfection, then I am overly comfortable with her, and next I’m extremely protective of her; and yet my self doubt told me to back off and get all of it out of my head. I wanted this complicated friendship, but I was afraid of it expanding beyond the limits of my life. I wanted to take Riley on this new tour. I wanted to see how she fit into all of it, and I wanted her to keep racing. This idea of balancing all of it was crazy, I know, but I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. And I started to write about it.
The next day, I had to clear my head in the morning after waking up on top of Riley, which I didn’t expect to happen. We had another band practice before tour, and this one was crucial because I had a lot of new songs to show the guys that we could play during the tour and get them ready. Only problem was, we were all still fighting about the bands direction and changes that had to be made. And obviously, that was Josh’s fault. I left a note on the table for Riley, and made sure Kat would take care of her while I was gone.
In the car, Jeremy and I actually got a chance to talk, “Riley seems great,” he said smiling, clearly planning something out.
“What are you thinking?”
He shrugged, “We could use another guitar player and someone he understands us. I mean, this band isn’t making any damn sense with Josh. Let’s ask him if he wants to actually quit and we could train Riley to fill his place. Hayles, I just can’t see us continuing like this anymore.”
I didn’t really know what to say, “All we can do is ask really, he sure isn’t the happiest anymore.”
“Remember when things were simple and we were all best friends haha?”
“Yeah, what the hell happened,” I laughed.
“Changes. We’re all different and so are our lives and shit. I just don’t know what’s up with Josh. At least you two are broken up,” he shook his head.
“Yeah. It makes a little more sense now haha.”
Jeremy’s idea was amazing, and really perfect for all of us, but of course Josh was too selfish and stubborn to let anything happen. When we asked him, he said this is his band too, and he’s going to do anything to save it. At least he was honest, but we all know he wouldn’t do a damn thing to fix this, and if he did, it would surprise the clothes off our backs. Also, he already had a new girlfriend, and so did Zac, which actually gave me some hope. This was getting weirder and weirder.
Josh came up to me, “Hayley, I want to go over some new music I came up with for those lyrics you gave me.”
“Um alright, we should work on it at your place.”
“Yeah and bring Riley too, I’d like to meet her officially,” he smiled, “Maybe we can teach her some things.” What the hell was up with him?!
“Haha that’d be amazing! Let’s start as soon as possible so we can get this completely laid out before next July.”
“My thoughts exactly, we’ll just meet up after band practice.”
“Awesome, I’ll lend her one of my guitars.”
“Hayley, I’m sorry about the whole thing, my personal problems got the best of me,” he said, hugging me like he used to.
“No, it’s fine. We’re all being babies. Let’s not let anything get in the way like we used to.”
“Haha deal. Just uh, how should I ask Jenna out?”
I laughed, “You are different aren’t you?”
This band practice was a miracle. Everyone just moved on and made up like nothing ever happened. Josh apologizing was like the most honest thing he’s ever done, and asking for girl advice, which I’m horrible at. Then, asking me to bring Riley, seriously he’s on some kind of medication. I was so freaking excited though! I couldn’t wait to tell Riley everything!
The rest of the night we talked about Taylor and basically everything that was on my mind. Riley was such an amazing listener and just awesome to hang out with. I’ve never been so comfortable with anyone in my life. We jammed Deftones, The Smiths, and Lydia the entire night. She loved Deftones and Lydia like crazy; it was cute and made her even more attractive. It was really the best night of my life so far. Gosh I haven’t been this happy in I don’t know how long.
“I’m getting tired,” she said yawning as we sat on the couch.
“Yeah me too, it’s almost 3 haha.”
“I don’t want to go to sleep though haha.”
“Me either. This is way too much fun haha, but we’re running out of things to talk about.”
“Haha I know, there’s nothing we don’t know now. It’s awesome!”
“You’re cute,” I said laughing. Oh god I was tired.
She blushed, “Oh shut up. Let’s go to sleep before you start getting all mushy on me.”
“Haha yeah good idea,” I laughed and got up, covering her up with a blanket. “Don’t count on me getting up early.”
“Don’t worry about it! Night Hayley,” she smiled as I turned off the lights.
“Night Riley, thanks for coming.”
I lay in bed that night, realizing my mind had other ideas besides sleeping tonight. I just couldn’t stop thinking about Riley and everything she said tonight. The way she says my name, the way she smiles at me and just everything. She was so perfect. I don’t know if I was just tired, but I knew I didn’t want to sleep in this bed alone tonight. It was cold, rainy, and I felt bad for just leaving her on the couch. I got up and walked out to the couch, noticing she was still awake, lying on her back.
“I can’t sleep,” I said standing there, looking at her.
“I mean. I can’t sleep without you,” I said, almost shaking from how nervous I was. Damnit. I can never shut up can I?”
“Come here,” she said throwing the blanket back and pulling me down on her by the bottom of my shirt.
I laughed, “You imagined this happening didn’t you,” I said cuddling into her she covered us up.
“Not in a million fucking years. You have no idea how this feels,” she wrapped her arms around me, and I found myself not being able to think or breathe.
“Neither did I.”
It wasn’t long before we both fell asleep. This was the most incredible way I’ve ever fallen asleep before. I’ve never had anyone hold me like this. I’ve never thought about someone like this. We just met, but there was clearly something between us that both of us noticed. I had a feeling people were going to start wondering if a best friend was a strong enough word for our relationship. I liked Riley, but I still had Josh to deal with, and she knew that. Hopefully, everything goes as planned? Right?
Holy shit did that really just happen?! That was literally the first thought I had when I woke up the next morning. Hayley and I were curled up on our sides, my arms still around her, and her hand was resting on top of mine as she was pressed back against me. She was so warm and really fucking soft. And god, she wasn’t wearing any pants. I didn’t want to move, but her phone had been ringing for the past hour and it was Josh, then Jeremy. Clearly, she was late for practice and the guys were wondering why. I didn’t want to wake her, but it kept me from telling Josh to fuck off.
“Hayley, come on wake up,” I whispered, “The guys are freaking out.”
“They can fuck off,” she whined cutely as she turned over and cuddled into me.
“Someone’s grumpy,” I asked laughing.
“Yes. I’d much rather stay here.”
I about died when she said that. “I’ll go with you then.”
She jumped up and smiled, “Aw really?”
“Yesss I’d kill to watch you guys! I’d stay out of the way haha or try to.”
“Oh you’d be fine! Let’s pick up Taylor too!”
“Good idea… uh maybe you should put some pants on,” I said, trying not to look. Fuck. She was wearing red underwear with a white and black striped waist band that sat right below her hips, and it looked fucking amazing on her.
“Ah I don’t even remember taking them off!” She ran into the bedroom. I was beginning to think I should buy an apartment.
I drove Hayley to Taylor’s place, met him quickly and drove to their rehearsal space in downtown Nashville. From what I know and could tell, Taylor was an amazing guy and a really brilliant musician, and all around likeable nice guy. It made me wonder why Josh disliked him and always put him in the corner of the band. Taylor was done with school and he was 18, meaning he could do whatever he wanted now. And, I knew for a fact he wanted to be in the band permanently. Josh was the only thing in the way, of basically all the plans. I just don’t know how it was going to happen.
“Um I have some new lyrics,” Hayley said sounding nervous as they all sat on the edge of the stage. “All we need is like 3 more songs.”
“Yeah let’s just see if they’re good or not,” Josh said, already sounding bitchy and condescending. “Maybe if we all showed up on time, it’d be done already haha.”
“Yeah but if we could all agree or compromise like adults it wouldn’t be a problem,” Jeremy said.
“But, lately some of us act like its not important enough to show up and pull the weight.”
“Oh come on,” Taylor said, “Can we just stop and work on the music!”
“Josh, if you have a problem with me, take it out on me when we’re on our time and not with the entire band. This has nothing to do with the band, and I know it doesn’t.”
“Fine. Let’s just get this done,” He grunted.
Within an hour, I already want to beat the fuck out of Josh. He was immature, selfish, and self righteous, just like Hayley said. I didn’t want to interfere, but I saw everyone’s self confidence fall immediately around him and there was absolutely no direction. It was chaos. It wasn’t how their music is at all. It wasn’t how the other four were. Josh didn’t even fit in, and well Zac had the maturity of a six yr old, so he just follows his brother around through everything. I could read this band like a book, and I wanted to help them but I didn’t know if I could.
When it came time for them to play through some songs, my heart about exploded from how amazing they sounded. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t fucking believe I was here right now. Hayley made this whole thing about 500 times more breathtaking as well. Her voice sounded better than ever, and watching her sing like that just made me believe this was a fucking dream, but it wasn’t. I can’t even describe how I felt or place these feelings anywhere, and that was frustrating, because they were so fucking powerful. And yet in the fucking pit of my stomach, that doubt was rising, and I knew whatever it was about, it would alter everything that happened so far. So for now, I just enjoyed it while it lasted.
1 week later
I was expecting an important call from my dad today, which made me nervous on top of everything else that was going on. I had a race in Arkansas soon, Hayley and Josh were currently going through a break up, and I was trying to keep her calm about it, which wasn’t working. I had to get everything sorted before I left, because I knew I couldn’t leave her like this. Taylor and Jeremy both said they’ve never seen Hayley this hurt or angry or depressed, which made matters worse. It was something Josh said, because the day they broke up, she was fine. Then, they fought and it all went to hell. Nothing stays happy does it?
“Riley,” my dad said excitedly, “What’s going on?”
“Haha things are rough but we’ll get through it. What’d you want to talk about?”
“After this race, we think you should come home. Think things over…”
“What do you mean,” I was confused by what I should think over.
“This girl. She’s not interested Riley and she’s just holding you back.”
“Oh god here we go haha dad it’s not like that. We’re just friends and I’m helping her out until the race,” I lied.
“That’s not what Brandon and Sierra said. They’ve said you gone crazy and abandoned your life for her.”
I started shaking from rage; of course Brandon and Sierra said that. They fucking wanted me all to themselves and they couldn’t accept that I didn’t need them anymore. “Hey you have no right to believe that shit and address it to me over the phone. You have no idea what’s going on because you’re not here. I’m coming home, and I’m bringing this “girl”. Her name is Hayley and she’s been saving my life since I was 13. I love her, I don’t care how.” I hung up. There was nothing more I needed to say.
I heard everything Riley said, and it made me completely forget about Josh to be honest. She was absolutely the most important thing in my life right now, she was keeping me sane, and she was there for me 24/7. There was going to be a long fall break for me soon, making her plan very very possible, which made me excited as hell. I’ve felt selfish. Riley knows everything about me and my life, and I know nothing about her. All I knew was, I needed her in my life, or I had no clue what to do.
Riley was going to Arkansas tomorrow afternoon, and of course I had to stay for more writing. We had to finalize 14 songs before we went to LA to start fully getting the record started. I had 3 to write, that I had pieces of, which was so frustrating. Right now, I really wanted to spend time with her, because she’s the reason I’ve gotten so much done with writing.
“You okay,” I asked as she sat next to me on the couch.
“I am now,” she smiled and wrapped her arm around me. “What about you?”
“I’m a lot better. What Josh said was stupid and just got in my head, I’m over it now. I just don’t want you to go for 3 days tomorrow,” I said, snuggling into her.
“He’s an ass, hopefully he just remembers it’s all about the music and band. God I really don’t want to go either. But I guess separation is always good,” she laughed.
I laughed too, “Yeah we’ve been pretty much inseparable for 2 weeks now. That’s because you’re awesome!”
“You’re amazing,” she said, pulling me closer to her. Yup can’t breathe.
“Gosh Riley, tell me what you really think of me,” I laughed it off.
“Alright then,” she laughed.
She wasn’t kidding. She lay back on the couch and pulled me up on top of her. She held me even tighter than before, pulling my head into her chest. She was warm and perfectly cuddly, meaning it wouldn’t be long before I was asleep. I swear, I would never get tired of this, or stop thinking about it. She was so perfect. Josh was right about what he said. I never really loved him. There was always someone else I was waiting for. And, I said after Josh, I’d never be with anyone for a long time, but Riley was becoming that only exception. I was in love with her from the start.
I sat between Riley and Sierra, watching the usual action movie at Jeremy’s house with everyone. I was tired and not paying any attention to anything but my thoughts. There was so much going on that I wanted to change, until today that is, things definitely changed on their own. Everything before today, and still will be after, was a mess to be honest haha; my band, my boyfriend, and even myself. It felt like the entire world was coming down on top of me at times. I wanted it to change. I wanted it all to just progress and get back to normal and how I planned. But, nothing is easy in life is it? Haha I wished it was, so much. If I had things my way, it’d be a lot different.
Josh was controlling, especially when it came to our band. Everything was on his terms and his idea, when he actually didn’t contribute as much as the four of us. I love Josh, but there were things I never knew about him that kinda make me wonder if this relationship is worth it. We’ve been off and on for about 3 years, because of him. I found myself asking if he really loved me most of the time, and asking why the hell I loved him.
I wanted someone different, even just as a close friend. Josh and I just kept going in circles, and after meeting someone new like Riley, I began to realize it was time to stop all the rapidity of my life. I wanted to start over. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to get closer to Riley. I mean, she had some strength that I didn’t have, and obviously maturity. There was something that was drawing me to her, whether it was a set up or not, it was real. And, I wanted to get back into reality and start living life and being in love and having this incredible band.
“I’m bored,” Riley whispered to me.
I laughed, “Same here, I can’t focus on it.”
“I’m hungry haha. We should go out.”
“I’m hungry too,” Brandon yelled blowing our cover.
“The 3 of us can go then haha.”
The three of us snuck out to go to the 24/7 diner down the road, and not surprisingly Jeremy came too; I drove there as Brandon and Riley talked about bike stuff that I didn’t understand. Riley looked hot in her race gear and all, but her in cut off jean shorts and a white shirt, she looked way hotter than I’ve ever noticed. I had no idea she was that toned. And, obviously I should stop thinking about this, but it was true haha. She was kind of god like to be honest. Oh god what is wrong with me right now? I was losing my mind.
In the diner, Riley started asking me questions, “So what are you doing here exactly?”
“Haha well,” I smiled and shrugged, “I don’t really know. Needed a change of scenery I guess and a break from the band.”
“I can’t imagine it’s easy, especially with the record company up your ass,” she laughed.
I laughed at her tone, “Actually, Josh is the only one pressuring us.”
“Yeah he’s even writing most of the lyrics and songs himself,” Jeremy said.
“That’s stupid. I mean I know you guys all write, but Hayley is the better lyricist and she does all the melodies,” Riley said, sounding genuinely pissed off, “And you’re still dating that ass?”
I laughed, “Oh not for long, he’s gone way too far with this one.”
“He’s changed,” Jeremy said, changing the tone again. He sounded sad.
“Drastically. I don’t even know him anymore.”
“What are you going to do,” she asked.
“Try to finish the record and get past everything,” I shrugged.
“You guys deserve better,” she shook her head; “Josh bugs me if I’m honest.”
“He bugs everyone!” Jeremy yelled, “I punched him once haha it felt good.”
“I’m jealous haha.”
“Who isn’t, I’m supposedly his girlfriend and I want to punch him,” I said as everyone laughed.
Talking to Riley about what was going on just made me feel even better about everything. She understood and cared about what we were going through, and noticed there was turmoil. It felt so good to get things out, and it made me want to write, because now I knew what all the feelings I had bottled up were all about.
Tonight was amazing. To be honest, I haven’t had this much fun since two Christmases ago. The four of us got along so good and we had similar very hyper senses of humor. There was someone missing, because I knew he was being left out of everything; the music, the band, the friendship, but yet he wrote more than Josh did. Taylor was one of my best friends, but he was shut out from my life because of his mom and Josh. It felt weird without him lately. But all in all, this night was one of those nights where I just had to put everything aside and have fun. And, eventually I’d talk to Riley one on one.
Wow. I never thought I’d be sitting in a car, in the passenger seat while Hayley was driving back to Jeremy’s house. There’s nothing I would change about tonight, not ever. I didn’t even miss Sierra or feel bad for ditching her, because clearly she was perfectly happy with Blake. I was with everyone I truly loved right now. There was really nothing more I could ever ask for. Hayley was even more perfect than I’d ever imagined. She’s one of those girls who are just amazingly easy to talk to and joke around with. I was still nervous, but comfortable with this, maybe even too comfortable haha. I wondered if this was just one night to remember, or if it’d last forever.
“I had fun,” Hayley said, smiling gorgeously.
“Me too, but it’s not over. You wanna take a ride on my bike,” I asked laughing. Hayley and a motorcycle just seemed dangerous haha.
She laughed, “Dude that’d be awesome! Let’s do it!”
“You guys are gonna do it,” Brandon asked, freaking out, “That was fast!” Oh god.
“Do it at your house please,” Jeremy said, playing along.
“Yes, Riley and I are just yelling out that we’re going to do it,” Hayley said sarcastically.
“She’s just covering it up,” I said playing along too, “We’re ditching you two at the house and going to her place,” I winked at her.
“Damn it Riley you can’t tell everyone our plans!” She laughed
“Gosh sorry, they’d figure it out anyway,” we both started laughing. The guys look disturbed, but we didn’t give a fuck.
We did kind of ditch Brandon and Jeremy, because they wanted to play Xbox anyway, and Hayley really wanted to take a ride with me. I was excited, and I wanted to milk our alone time together a bit. I got the bike out as she sat up on the tool box, tucked into her hoodie, it was adorable. I checked the fuel line and everything, making sure I didn’t beat it up on the track.
“You wanna drive or ride on the back,” I asked before I started it.
“Definitely the back, god forbid I kill us,” she said laughing and walking over.
“Tell me if I’m going to fast, and if you let go I’ll kill you haha, literally.”
“Not sure I like these terms haha,” she sounded nervous. It was cute.
“You’ll like it once we get going. Trust me?”
“Of course I trust you!”
“Then let’s do this!”
She was still a little bit hesitant, but once she got on, she kind of cuddled up to me. I took it slow, going around the dirt back lot of Jeremy’s property, which I was jealous of. It was gorgeous. The drifting was amazing and the grip was equally good. But, what made it even better was Hayley giggling and holding onto me, freaking out whenever I sped up. It was adorable and it made it hard to keep going because I was laughing at her.
“If you don’t stop laughing I will wreck,” I said stopping the bike, trying to talk through my laughter.
“I can’t help it! My ass hurts though,” she said laughing, still holding on.
Yeah I was totally thinking about her ass now, great. “Alright let’s get off then haha.” I laughed like an idiot.
“That was awesome though thanks,” she said hugging me quickly as I put the bike back in the trailer, “What now! It’s only 11 haha, I’m not tired now.
“Come here,” I smiled, walking to the truck bed. I climbed up in it and sat on the tarp. “This is where I slept last night haha.”
“No way?! They didn’t pay for your hotel,” she got in next to me.
“Nah, I’m the new girl. I gotta earn my cred haha!”
“Street cred? Man that’s shit,” she laughed. “It’s not so bad,” she laid back, “Except for when it rains, which is all the time here.”
I didn’t know what to say, because she was lying next to me, and she added rain to the mix. I couldn’t deny that right now would be a perfect time to kiss her, but considering what’s going on with Josh, I didn’t want to confuse her. It was way too much in one day for both of us. “Yeah maybe you can make me a rain jacket haha.” Of all the things I could’ve said there, I fucking say that!? God I suck.
She laughed, “I got a better idea! You can come stay at my house and Brandon can stay at Jerms’!”
“You sure about that? Cus you ain’t getting rid of me after a sleepover!”
“Oh yeah like I want to get rid of you! You’re making my day a lot better haha,” she scooted close to me. Aww.
“It’s Josh isn’t it?”
She nodded, “He’s kind of trapped me in this whole thing and I don’t know how to get out.”
I shrugged and looked at her, “Don’t rush things. Do everything on your terms and take control. If anyone can control their life it’s you haha.”
“I’m going to need some help though,” she sat up and looked at me, “You better be staying here awhile, we got work to do!”
“Haha as long as you want. Work as in egging your boyfriend’s house?”
She laughed, leaning against me, “Are you serious?! That’s crazy!”
“It’ll make you feel better.”
“It’s pretty immature…”
“Exactly. He’s been pressuring you to be someone you’re not, so fuck him!”
“Alright alright! Let’s go steal Jeremy’s eggs haha!”
I went in to find Sierra and Blake were gone, which was good because I didn’t really feel like seeing them. Hayley went to talk to Jeremy, and I was stuck with Brandon. It was awkward, because I wanted to tell him everything, but I also wanted to keep things between Hayley and me. It’s not like he’d understand anyway, he’d probably just make fun of the whole thing. Oh and he’s probably randomly mad at me because I ditched the family. Fuck that. They’re only ever showing up for me when I win cash rewards. Right now, they didn’t matter.
“Riley, I think I should go home,” he said, “I don’t want to get in the way.”
“Haha let me guess, your band is having practice this weekend.”
“Well yeah. We’re getting good and stuff.”
“No, I get it haha they’re way more important than I’ve ever been to you. You can fuck off for being two faced,” I said before walking out. After 8 years, that felt good to say that.
I waited by Hayley’s car, noticing it was really nice out. It wasn’t raining for once, thank god. Nashville was really incredible, incredible enough to make me give up my “family” and stay here. I wanted to start somewhere new and have new friends that actually give a fuck. It almost sounds like a cliché, but it was real. Being around Hayley was real, although I’d probably never believe it because of how amazing she is. I guess we’re kind of restarting together.
She came up to me laughing, “In one night, we’ve ditched probably half the people we know.”
“That kinda means half the people we know are assholes.”
“So true. Let’s keep making history haha. Maybe we can get rid of Josh in the future,” she said as we got in the car.
“God I hope so. God forbid that I ever go to band practice with you, he’s such a whiney bitch I’d probably punch him in the face,” I laughed.
“I’ve thought about it too!”
After we stopped laughing, I decided to change subjects till we got to his house. “Hayley, thanks for letting me come haha. Everything is really fucked for me right now. A lot of people were holding me back and I had to get rid of them.”
“Of course! But, how did you do that? Like, I heard you tell Brandon off and I was like ‘shit this girl is serious’,” she laughed.
“Haha I just had to for my sanity and future. I’m going to get an all new crew, maybe.”
“I don’t know. Things are changing and I don’t know if motocross is really what I want to do now haha.”
“Just take some time and figure things out. Most important thing is, you follow your heart… and stay in Nashville,” she grinned.
“I don’t think I have a choice with that one haha. But, that’s one reason why motocross sucks. We’d be on opposite schedules…”
“But, you can’t just center your life on me. I’m not exactly famous for being the best friend or the most selfless person ever.”
“It’s not that I’m going to center it on you. I want to restart together. Within one night, we’ve become best friend’s haha. I don’t wanna go through this again. And, no one is perfect.”
That night we decided to hold everything off, go home, and sleep on it. We were both exhausted and probably over thinking the whole thing. It was amazing how she wasn’t afraid to make it clear she wanted me here and needed my help. That made me feel wanted more than I ever have. Motocross and everything I said before aside, I knew what I wanted now. I wanted a new life with her and Paramore, and just integrating our entire lives together. Not because I was a fan or because I was practically in love with her, it’s because what I wanted WAS her, in any way, shape or form. And, I don’t think she minded that.
All I Wanted II
The big race was today in Nashville, Tennessee; basically the race that would determine the rest of my career in motocross. I was sitting in my truck bed, wondering if my fan base would carry me to the win, or passed a loss. Surprisingly, I had a large fan base full of women’s rights advocates and little girls who dreamed of kicking as much ass as I did. Haha little did they know, it wasn’t easy or as much fun as you’d think. Everyone wants to use me for money, or sex, and I was gay and all about the bikes and racing. Though, nothing in my life was ever easy or anyone else’s for that matter.
“Paramore or Versaemerge today,” Brandon asked rigging up my helmet and ear phones.
“Paramore. It feels like one of those days.”
He grinned, “I like how you pick them over your girlfriend’s band.”
“Sierra is not really my girlfriend haha she’s too afraid of commitment.”
“I’ve noticed. Dude you need to get rid of her haha.”
“She seems to like you,” I said putting my jeans on, remembering the looks she’d been giving him.
“I wouldn’t go there and you know that.”
“Yeah I know. She would though, and that’s the problem,” I decided to stop being a girl, ”Why can’t every girl be like Hayley,” I laughed.
“Haha she’s one of a kind,” he said sarcastically
“Did I say that last night?” I had gotten a little wasted last night, after one beer, I was weak.
He laughed, “You said a lot.”
“I don’t wanna know,” I shook my head.
“No but I’m sure someone does…”
The thing nobody understood in my life was the reason why I always chose Paramore. I had this deep, unexplainable, indescribable connection with the band, their music, and specifically Hayley herself. This band took reality out of the picture and gave me this amazing euphoric feeling. Since the beginning of the band, I’ve been uncontrollably obsessed with them, and again specifically Hayley. There was just something about her that I couldn’t really describe. She was really my dream girl, since the beginning. She’s actually been in my dreams, as creepy as that sounds. She was everything I wanted in someone, even just a friend. It’s pathetic that no one understood that, and that I thought is was possible.
I ignored Brandon until we got to the track and started setting up my bike. He was acting weird, and I didn’t have time for his head games. I had a lot more important shit to think about. Like, the fact that I had to win this race for me and everyone working around me. I had to pull something out of me that I never have before, because my whole fucking life depended on it. I didn’t know what else I was going to do except for race. It’s the only thing I could do right.
“Riley,” Sierra said excitedly, running into the trailer and surprising me.
“Im kind of busy setting up,” I said, trying to focus on getting the engine tuned.
“I know, I just wanted to see you,” she said hugging me from behind.
“Thanks for coming,” I turned around and hugged her. I did miss her, but she was different every time she can home from tour.
“Well not just me, you have quite the audience… Blake brought some friends!”
“Haha alright, invite them to the trailer after the race.”
“Well we’re all invited to his friend’s house for dinner and a sleepover haha… is that alright?”
“We’ll see okay? Now go! You want me to win and not wreck and die right?”
I was a little more nervous now and distracted. I just wanted to test this bike out and get on the track, so I wouldn’t have to think about anything else. Riding was really my favorite thing, well for now. It was amazing. It was something that I couldn’t explain. Sure I was good at it and it took my mind of things, but still I wondered if there was even something better out there for me. Maybe this was temporary. I loved it, but I hated being alone and constantly getting hit on by a bunch of guys. I waned something easier and even more fun than this.
On the track, I noticed it was wetter than most tracks, and had more pre race grooves in the mud pits, which was something I was something I was well practiced in. It was the most fun on a track I’ve ever had in my life; it was almost the obstacle course type of track. Now, I was much more confident about winning this race. All I needed to do is to out race and shift against the other racers, which was a little scary since this is only my 5th race in the championship racing league. But, I knew the track now and I knew all my strongest areas. The only thing I needed was extreme awareness of the other riders, and focus.
“Um, I don’t know whether to tell you who’s in the crowd with Blake and Sierra now or wait till you see it,” Brandon said, sounding nervous as we fueled up the bike.
“God don’t tell me it’s my ex,” I laughed sarcastically.
“No. You’ll be a little surprised,” he paused and got a thoughtful look,”Well okay a lot.”
“It must be my entire family haha no one else would come.”
“Um no, it isn’t. Come here,” he said grabbing my shoulder as we walked to the back edge of the trailer. He looked over the corner and panicked. “Oh shit, fuck! You’re not ready for this,” he pushed me back in the trailer and closed the door from the outside, locking me in. All I heard was mumbling as I tried to look out the little window in the back, but Brandon’s huge head was in the way. Who the fuck could it be?
When he opened the door again, he was smiling and laughing, saying sorry and pulling me out of the trailer. There was no one out here anymore but the crew, so whoever he’s hiding from me was going to be in the crowd. What a fucking idiot! He’s just distracting me even more by making me wait. God damnit I really wanted to know who it was now. But, I knew he wouldn’t tell me till after the race.
So today, I’ve gotten away from my controlling boyfriend, met Riley’s best friend, and gotten stuck with her girlfriend’s band. Basically, everything is awkward and confusing. But, as long as I got to watch Riley race, I was stoked as hell to be here, regardless of her annoying girlfriend who talked about other girls and guys. Like, if I was with Riley Connor, I wouldn’t even care about anyone else! Seriously! What the fuck is Sierra thinking?! Riley is a bad ass and hot as hell and really level headed, unlike most women out there. There was nothing about her worth throwing a way.
Okay, usually I wasn’t nervous to meet someone, but today I was very nervous to meet Riley. Brandon said that she had no idea I was here and would freak once she knew Jeremy and I were here. I mean, this girl was kind of who I was looking up to right now, even though we were the same age. Like, what do I do or say?! I was over thinking everything, obviously, but thinking about her really wasn’t so bad was it? Yes, I had a boyfriend, but I didn’t want him anymore! I wanted someone new. And, I never thought I’d be considering going after a girl. What was I thinking?
Ten minutes till race time and I was nervous, but calm. Brandon and I talked about the changes to the bike we’d make with the money we’d win. Then, the money from the sponsors would go to our fun money collection. And then, we went on with fantasy plans to kidnap our women, which would be incredible. After being in Nashville for 2 days, I already knew my savings would go to buying a house here. It was amazing, especially if I won. It’d be the most memorable place for me, regardless of what happens after.
I sat in my starting gate; revving my engine, getting the fuel hot. I was running through the track in my mind, but to be honest I had something else on my mind, something I always think about before every race; What if she’s watching? Then, I ignored everyone around me, and remembered that no matter what, this was for me and that I could do anything alone. That thought carried me passed the gate when the gun fired. I was relieved when my engine didn’t stall, thank fucking god. Amazingly quickly, I started to pass everyone behind me. It was a challenge in the deep mud to keep traction, but the bike held steady and I was able to drift through the corners. It was hot, intense, and fast, and a lot better than any sex I’ve had haha, in real life anyway. Everything was going faster than ever, and it gave me this insane adrenaline rush. I find myself rushing through the first lap, making me 3 seconds ahead of the guys behind me. I was winning, and by a lot more than I thought I would. The next 2 laps were more difficult with the guys trying to spin me out in the bends. But, on the last lap, they all failed miserably as I made the final large jump, flying over Andrew Short and winning the fucking race just by one jump. Holy shit.
My life wasn’t over after all haha! You should’ve seen the crowd rushing onto the finish line when I won! Brandon, Sierra, Blake, my older Sister Jen, my aunt and uncle, and finally the person Brandon was hiding from me. When everyone calmed down and all the reporters left, Sierra came up to me with her so called “Friends”. Holy fuck, to be honest seeing these two people was better than fucking winning the race. Sierra was the worst “girlfriend” I’ve ever had, but this was the best fucking thing anyone could give me.
Everyone started laughing as I was staring at Hayley like an idiot, and I decided to say something. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she smiled.
We stood there, quietly looking at each other. “Uh why are you here?”
“I wanted to come meet you and see you win!”
“You have no idea how glad I am to see you.”
“You have no idea how bad I’ve wanted to meet you,” she said before hugging me. There was something about her tone that made that believable.
I hugged her back, “Same here.” What the fuck was happening?
Right now, the world didn’t exist. Right now I was talking with a girl who saved my life; a girl who millions of people would kill to be around, always. Yet, God chose me to be this lucky on this day. Everything I’ve ever wanted is standing right in front of me. I never even knew any of this was possible. I never even dreamed of anything this indescribable. It was something that was going to alter the course of my life.
Regardless of what happens after this moment, I’d remember it for the rest of my life. Will Hayley and I become close friends? Will Sierra and I get together again like we used to be? Will Brandon and I continue to have a strong friendship? And, is motocross really my dream career path? These are questions that no one knows, not even God probably knows. You’re just going to have to wait to find out.
Made these for my new short story series called “The Fear Factory Series”. Based on the concept stories, art, and music created by the band Fear Factory. Used GIMP and Google Images.
It was 9 o’clock, the time I’ve been waiting for all fucking day. Hayley was putting all the little kids to bed while I stood in the hallway, zoning out to everything I was going to do to her tonight. I’ve been planning this night for too long, it was killing me to wait even 5 seconds, but it was so worth it. It wasn’t really about sex or being unbearably turned on by her, it was about being the only one that would get to touch her like I would, and officially being her girlfriend. Everything that would happen tonight was like the initiation for the rest of our lives. We needed each other for so long, and now we got to have each other. I had a feeling it was going to be crazier than I even imagined.
Hayley grabbed my hand and quickly pulled me into her room before shutting the door and locking it. “I need you so bad Catie,” she said before shoving me against the wall.
She took my hand that she was holding tightly and slowly slid it up the inside of her thigh. She was so fucking soft there; it turned me on more than I’d ever been turned on in my life. I slid my hand away from hers, wanting to do this my way. I pushed her on the bed, keeping my hands under her so I could fall on top of her. We started making out really really hard; both unable to breathe or keep our eyes open for two seconds. I could taste her so fucking well as she started opening her mouth more and more into the kiss. She spread her legs a bit and started grinding up against me, wrapping her arms around my neck. Her hips were hard and incredible strong, and they felt even better against mine. She started to whimper at every kiss and grind slower, until she was shoving up against me. That’s when I knew going slow wasn’t working anymore.
I felt like passing out every time we kissed, but I distracted myself from that by starting to undress her. I took off her shirt with one hand, lifting her back up with the other and taking off her bra. She held onto my neck with one hand and started undressing me with the other while she kissed up and down the front of my neck slowly, so I felt every single detail of her lips against my skin, it killed me. I took of her shorts before I started feeling her hips. God there’s honestly no one in the world who feels this incredible. I laid her back down and slid up on her, pressing our bodies together so close we could hardly stand it. I started kissing her neck as she whimpered and grabbed my hips, pushing them into hers as hard as she could.
Then, I started kissing down her neck and tasting her skin as much as I could stand it without losing control. I ran my hands up her hips and sides to her chest, cupping her into my hands as she moaned for me to do more. I decided I felt her almost everywhere to stall for as long as possible. We both needed more. We started kissing again, making out harder then before as she wrapped her legs around my hips. I slid my hand between us, sliding my fingers quickly down inside her. She felt absolutely indescribable and I knew I couldn’t pull out for a very very long time.
We kept making out hard as she started pulsing around my fingers, making me want to speed up and make her feel even better. I kissed her once again softer than before, and then I kissed my way down to her waist, waiting for her to make sound before I went farther down. She begged me to keep going, and that’s when I lost complete control. Honestly, it feels like we’ve been together and already had insane chemistry, which is just another reason why this is so incredible and why I was done holding back completely. I started licking her clit, starting slightly under it and licking all the way to the very top of her. I’d never tasted anything like her in my life. It quickly became addictive to where I had to lick harder and deeper or I couldn’t fucking stand it. She went absolutely insane and kept whimpering my name and she started grabbing onto the sheets. It really didn’t take much for Hayley to be seconds from orgasm, which was fucking incredible.
She instantly started moaning over and over and pulsing really really hard around my fingers. She sat up quickly and grabbed me, pulling me up to her. We started kissing again, even deeper and faster than before. I got up on my knees and shoved her against the headboard of the bed with one hand behind her head and the other still inside of her. She wrapped her legs around my hips again and kept on of her hands around my neck, and the other resting her finger tips on my stomach, making me restless because I knew she was teasing me. I wanted to do the same and start grinding my hips slowly against hers, trying not to make noise and be weak every time her skin touched mine, but I couldn’t. I was already about to give in just from grinding against her while she kissed me.
She stopped while she rested her forehead on mine, breathing hard, “You’re so amazing Catie. I love you so much and I need to keep going, but I’m absolutely exhausted.”
“You’re incredible and there’s no one else I’d rather do this with. I love you too so much,” I kissed her forehead and lay beside her, “There’s nothing I want to do more now than just hold you while we sleep,” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me, kissing her head.
“Aww you’re so cheesy, but it is really sweet and romantic,” she laughed quietly and cuddled into me, pressing her forehead against the top of my chest. “You’re warm,” she kept laughing.
“Haha you get giggly when you’re tired,” I said while pulling the blankets over us. I cuddled against her, feeling fucking incredible and like I never wanted to move.
“Shut uuuppp, I can’t help it,” she whispered while she cuddled closer. “Goodnight Catie,” she smiled.
“Goodnight Hayley,” I squeezed her against me and tucked my head against hers.
I slept better than I have my entire life with Catie. She held me the entire night and kept me incredibly warm, not to mention she wore me out and was seriously the best person to cuddle into. She was still asleep when I woke up, so I decided it was my turn to hold her while she slept, it was honestly the least I could do for what she did for me last night, which was so so so incredible, there’s just not any words to describe it. I sat up a little and pulled her head up on my chest while I hugged her against me as tight as I could. She was so adorable, because she instantly snuggled into me and wrapped her arms around my waist, grinning cutely.
“Good morning baby,” I kissed her forehead, smiling my face off.
She looked up at me, “God can I wake up like this everyday,” she kissed me hard on the lips.
I couldn’t breathe after she kissed me like that, “Uh yeah, and you have no choice.”
She slid up on me, kissing me more before she whispered, “Good thing I chose you then. Just be my girlfriend already,” she smiled as I laughed.
“You’re so adorable! Yes! Yes!” I kissed her once really hard.
“Okay, I have to get off of you before… yeah,” she laughed and got off of me, “I want to spend time with you and everyone else today… then maybe we can continue this later.”
“Yeah, we should go before someone walks in on us… but definitely continue this later,” I smiled and kissed her.
“I was thinking… tomorrow night we should go on a real date,” she laughed as she put her jeans on.
“Wow, that’d be amazing Catie, I think that’s a great idea,” I smiled and got my clothes on too.
“I love you,” she walked up and kissed me, surprising me. “And, I want to do this the right way.”
“I love you too so much,” I kissed her again; “There’s no reason why we need to rush things.”
“No. I don’t want to end up like our parents,” she hugged me, pulling my head against her shoulder. “I can’t wait for your surprise tomorrow,” she laughed excitedly. God I loved when she laughed like that.
“Surprise?! What the hell did I do?!”
She grabbed my face and kissed me, “You said yes to be my girlfriend… and you’re hot in bed,” she laughed.
I slapped her gently, “You’re so perverted, but amazing. Tell me what it is!!”
She grinned and put her shirt on, “Nope, you’re going to have to wait. Now let’s go eat… awkwardly in front of your family. By the way, Holly is cute and she likes me,” we walked out of the room.
“Aww that’s cute, but who doesn’t like you,” I grabbed her hand.
“Hey you two! Sit down!” My mom said excitedly as she was starting breakfast. “It’s good to see you again,” she laughed, “How’s the song going Hayley?”
“Um… slow but it’s getting somewhere I guess. The really personal ones are always the hardest,” I laughed, trying not to reveal too much about it. I knew Catie would be really curious though anyway.
“I’m sure you’ll write it just fine, especially with Catie here,” she smiled, looking like a normal proud mom.
Turns out, the worry with the family was truly over. My mom was almost in love with Catie more than I was! It was amazing to really have all of this turning out way better than I expected, but there was still a lot of things to come. Like, I was so excited for Catie’s surprise for me, but I was also extremely nervous about it. It was probably because it’s so unexpected and I had no idea what it could be. Luckily I had a surprise for her as well, even if it’s kind of a surprise for everyone else too. The main thing was, we were together now and absolutely nothing would ever, ever change that, because we wouldn’t let it.
This song Hayley was talking about sounded amazing. I hadn’t heard a word about it till now, and that made me really curious, but I could also tell she didn’t want to talk about it quite yet, which I completely understand. But, I also worried if she was really okay with all of this, because of all the complications. We were already in love and serious about this relationship, so I didn’t want her to have any second thoughts, or think I was all about sex or plain and boring.
That’s why today, she was going to come with me to start working on my tattoo collection. I was getting her entire body tattooed on my forearm, not because she was my girlfriend or anything like that, it’s because she’s been one of my inspirations since 2003, and nothing would ever change that. Her going with me was an initiation for her, to see the real uncensored me. I was a total guy, especially when it came to tattoos, which were a big deal to me. Fuck, I was so nervous about this whole first date thing, even though she loved me and we already had sex, it was a huge deal. The nerves kept getting worse, especially when I realized she was probably going to dress up, which meant she was going to look even more irresistible. My mind was really out of control today, and it was because of her.
“What time do you have your master plan to kidnap me set,” she asked as she was sitting on my lap on the couch, leaning against me.
“Haha four thirty, so in like 3 hours. Why you asking?”
“Because I don’t wanna move,” she snuggled into me, turning on her side on me.
I held her as close as I could and kissed her forehead, “You don’t have to. Are you tired?”
“Yeah I am. This new band and song is stressing me out,” she sighed, “I don’t even care right now. You’re so warm,” she tucked her head into my side.
I picked her up and held her close to me, carrying her back into the bedroom. I decided that cuddling was a brilliant idea, and clearly she wasn’t going to object to that. She smiled once we got under the sheets and cuddled into me, sliding her hands up my shirt. She kissed my shoulder, then my chest and my other shoulder before tucking her head into it. She was so adorable and the perfect cuddler. As I lay here holding her, my mind begins to go insane and think of the things I want to do with her, because I think our future could be amazing if everything works out, which it will. We were already completely in love and going on our first date, we keep progressing faster than I thought ever possible. It was just going to keep better and better and I decided I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of that.
My mind kept drifting off, two hours before the date. I couldn’t fall asleep from excitement, and absolutely perverted day dreaming that never seemed to end. She was so soft and warm, and all I could think about was kissing her until I couldn’t take it anymore. I slid down a little bit and kissed her softly, closing my eyes and immersing myself into the kiss, until she surprised me and kissed me back harder. We kept kissing, practically making out as she slid her hand up and down my back. She then pushed me over and got on top of me, pushing my shoulders down before sitting up, crossing her arms and sliding her shirt off slowly. I stared at her for a second before leaning forward, wrapping my hands around the sides of her, right above her hips. I kissed her amazingly toned stomach that was probably one of my favorite parts of her. She wrapped her arms around my head, pressing my cheek to her stomach.
“We have to get ready baby,” she kissed the side of my head and got off of me.
“Not yet,” I said, grabbing her and getting her into my lap. I kissed her again, three times before she stopped me.
“God I can’t keep you off of me for two seconds,” she laughed, keeping her hands on my face and kissing me again, then slowly licking my upper lip. “You gotta take me on a date for more,” she giggled and flipped off of me. God did she have to be such a fucking tease all the time?
“I guess I can’t argue with that.”
I was getting more and more nervous as I waited for Hayley to get ready, mostly because I was afraid of what she was going to wear. Whatever she was going to wear, she was going to look amazing and be a huge distraction. And I was right. I never ever thought I’d see Hayley in a strapless white sundress that showed almost all of her back and the top of her chest, and basically Hayley showing any skin is glorious on its own. In short she looked absolutely beautiful, and I realized… this girl is perfect… and I didn’t deserve her one bit.
I pushed her against the wall as we kissed so fucking hard and deep. She whimpered into the kiss as I pressed against her as close as I could. I needed her more than I’ve ever needed anything in my entire life. Kissing her was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life, and I know it ruined the entire plan and that Charlotte would see it, but I didn’t give a fuck. Nothing fucking mattered to me right now, except kissing this incredible girl. We loved each other, more than either of us knew right now, and we couldn’t fucking wait to have each other, and we didn’t.
Everyone was leaving while we kept kissing each other, harder and harder until we were both getting weak and gasping between every kiss. I started running my hands up and down her body, feeling every part of her that I could through her clothes. She slid her hands up my shirt and pressed her hands to my stomach as she shoved her tongue against mine. We were losing control completely.
“God Catie, don’t stop,” she moaned before kissing me harder and wrapping her legs around my back.
“I can’t, I need you,” I said against her lips as I picked her up. “Fuck off,” I yelled to everyone so no one try to stop me. I made it to the back door of the venue, where someone dared to fucking stop us. It was some short blond chick and 2 other girls. What the fuck?
“Mom?! Oh my gosh,” Hayley said, sounding surprised out of her mind. I let her down and she ran to hug her. This was awkward.
“Hayley, what is going on,” her mom asked, getting a little intense.
“Um… I didn’t expect all this to happen…”
“That was a very stupid thing to do, Hayley. You’re ruining your career and life.”
Hayley looked like a guilty little kid, but sadder than that even, “I love her.”
“Mom, you’re being way too hard on Hayley,” the other blonde said. “We knew Hayley was different. She needs support… and I’m on her side.”
“Erica is right mom, it’s my life and I know it’ll all work out, because of all the real fans out there. Catie is the only reason I can even keep doing this… she’s someone I can trust and someone who’s going to support me more than anybody ever will.” Wow.
“You need to come home Hayley and think about all of this,” her mom said. The entire crew came up behind her. Oh great, a whole shit load of people who don’t and won’t understand.
“We agree Hayley, you’re not thinking clearly and throwing the band under the bus,” Taylor said.
“Yeah, this isn’t going to be good or easy for us. You’re being selfish.”
Hayley started crying and turning away from everyone, “God how stupid was I to think anyone understood and was okay with Catie and I being together. I can’t do this anymore.”
Jeremy hugged her and whispered something, then motioned to me to follow them. “We’re going to help her pack, everyone just hold for a sec,” he said as the four of us walked to the bus, “Listen, I agree we all need a break from the tour. But, you and Catie belong together…”
“Really,” I asked, wrapping my arms around her from behind. She was shaking.
“Yes. The time off will give us time to work on a new album and get you two some alone time. We actually came up with the plan,” Taylor laughed.
The plan was actually the best thing Hayley and I had right now, as a last resort idea to be together and make everything exactly how it’s supposed to be. We needed to be together, regardless of anything else. It’d only be 3 weeks before I’d see her again and by then everything would be how it’s supposed to be. I’d break up with Charlotte, pack up, fly to Nashville, and drive to Franklin, making it all a big surprise for Hayley. All of this work was because I fucking loved her and wanted to make our relationship work. We were meant to be together, there was no denying it. And, we were going to prove to the world that this is meant to happen.
3 weeks later…
I woke up in my grandma’s cabin on the edge of Franklin, a bit anxious to start writing lyrics and melodies. I felt absolutely depressed and buried in stress. The separation anxiety between Catie and I was so hard for me to deal with, because I couldn’t talk about it yet. Slowly, everyone was adjusting to the new me and the whole being in love with a girl thing… but I was still scared after everything that happened with my family and the band. I was still confused about how Taylor and Jeremy felt, because I haven’t talked to them for a week. In the end, I didn’t think any of this would work out, but I wasn’t letting it all go down without a hard fight. I loved Catie, and the whole world knew, and I was going to use music to make everything better and show everyone that I never lied about anything. I was evolving into a new person, a happier person, and I just couldn’t let anyone get in the way of that.
I sat in the middle of the bed, still in my long Stone Sour shirt and nothing else. I stared at the blank page of notebook paper in front of me, and I started remembering everything I’d thought and dreamt about while we were apart. I thought about Josh and Zac trying to sabotage the band and my life, I thought about how everyone talked about Catie when they didn’t even know her. This song’s purpose was to show that I will do anything for Catie and my band. Paramore and Catie was all I had, besides a family who just misunderstood the entire situation. And, I thought about the kiss that started this whole thing. All of that was going into this song.
“Hayley,” Holly said, walking into my room. She was my incredibly adorable 5 year old cousin. My aunt and uncle were killed in a car wreck when she was 3, so my mom took care of her. But, I always secretly wanted to steal her. “Whatcha doing?” She sat on the edge of the bed, looking up at me.
“I’m writing a song… but it’s not easy,” I said, picking her up as she giggled.
“How come? You always write good!”
“There’s too much on my mind I guess,” I held her as she snuggled into me.
“You need a nap then!”
I laughed, “You sound like my mom!! Alrighty then, let’s try it.”
I drove down the dirt road with my heart pounding out my chest. I’ve waited almost 4 weeks to be with the woman of my dreams who I was completely in love with. She was all I thought about the entire time and the reason I made it through the hardest time of my life. I’d talked to Jeremy, and then her mom, and everyone was slowly warming up to me, and Hayley being gay. Her mom was the only one who knew I was coming today, because it had to be a surprise. I couldn’t wait to kiss her. I couldn’t wait to hold her. I couldn’t wait to look at her and tell her I loved her. I needed to do this more than anything in my life. I wanted to live with her, take her on dates, spend time with her family and friends, and completely emerge myself into her life and make it OUR life. I was in love with her and I was going to tell her. It was unbelievable, but I was here. I stood in front of the beautiful red wood cabin, realizing the only thing keeping me from her now was a door haha.
I knocked and waited a bit, before the door opened and her mom was there smiling, “I’ve been waiting for you to get here,” she hugged me. “Welcome to the family.” Wow I did not expect that. “She’s in her old room in the back, go get her!”
“Thank you so much for everything,” I said quickly before running to the back, dodging little kids left and right. There was a little girl sneaking out of her room, smiling at me.
She giggled cutely, making me smile haha, “Shhh she’s sleeping now!”
“Aww I won’t wake her up! I promise. I’m Catie,” I said kneeling in front of her.
She giggled again and hugged me, “I’m Holly! She won’t shut up about you!”
“Awww really? Well thank you Holly, I’m going to go see her now, I haven’t seen her in 4 weeks!”
“That’s awful!” She hugged me again, and then ran off. 2nd cutest girl I’ve ever met.
I walked into the room as quiet as I could. Hayley was curled up on the bed, cuddled into a pillow. She wore the Stone Sour shirt I sent her awhile back and nothing else. She looked so adorable and beautiful and sexy all at the same time. I kicked off my shoes and lay beside her. She was facing away from me so I cuddled up around her and held her as tight as I could. Her shirt slid up a bit, making it hard to focus on the cuddling. Her skin made me weak and tense up a bit, probably from wanting to touch it so bad. She made things worse by pressing back against me and saying my name, which almost made me lose control, but I didn’t want to wake her.
I held her for another hour, trying not to fall asleep myself. Instead, I pressed against her closer and started kissing all over her head and the side of her face. I laughed when she made the cutest grunt I’ve ever heard in her sleep. She turned over and pressed into me, resting her hands on my chest. God she looked so ridiculously beautiful. I stared at her, endlessly, never wanting this day to end.
When she woke up, she looked up at me and grabbed my face quickly, pulling it down to hers. She kissed me hard and deep, breathing hard and hardly at all. I slid my arms down to her hips, wrapping them around her and pulling her close to me. She kept kissing me, harder and harder as she ran her hands up and down the front of my body. It felt incredible and exactly how I’d imagined it for weeks.
She pulled away and laughed, “I’m sorry… I couldn’t help it,” she cuddled into me.
“Stop apologizing for kissing my face off! I loved it,” I kissed her forehead.
“I missed you so much,” she whispered, rubbing my back slowly.
“God I missed you too. The plan worked, and I didn’t think I could get that lucky haha.”
“Me either, but we did and now we can do everything we’ve ever wanted,” she smiled and kissed me, “After I get some food,” she laughed and got away from me, grinning.
“Do you have to be so fucking evil!?”
“Yes I do, it keeps you in line,” she said while putting on shorts. Oh god, I was dying.
“But yet you dress in front of me,” I said coming up behind her as she took her shirt off. I wrapped my arms around her waist, sliding my fingers slightly under her waist band.
“You have to wait till tonight,” she said, running around and kissing me softly.
“I’m sorry,” I said kissing her again, “I just can hardly control it right now.”
“Just till after the kids go to sleep, okay baby? I promise,” she hugged me and kissed me again.
“Alright, I’ll keep my hands to myself until then” I said laughing and pulling away from her.
“I didn’t say we had to do that,” she giggled and grabbed my hips, kissing me deeper this time.
“Good then I can carry you around,” I picked her up and held her close before taking her out of the room.
The whole day was a bit hard to get through with the fact that all I could think about was being inside of her all night tonight. But, it was actually really fun to hang out with her and meet the family some more. It was normal, something I wasn’t ever used to, and I really liked it. It felt like home, maybe just because Hayley was here, but I felt so happy and uncensored here, which I’ve never had even with my own fucked up family. This family loved everyone and was finally welcoming me into it. This is exactly what I wanted.
I found myself staring off into space, replaying Hayley’s words in my head over and over, because I needed proof that it was real. I needed to convince myself it wasn’t just a dream, that this girl was actually asking me out on a date and that she was completely serious about it. I had to see her and not just talk to her, because there was a huge ass fucking wrench in the entire motion of us going out. And that wrench was Charlotte. I wasn’t the type to cheat… but what if it saved my life. What if Hayley was going to free me from it all? We were both bound to something, and it wasn’t fucking fair for either of us. I knew it was cheating and it was technically wrong, but it felt so right. I was ripping my hair out with how bad I needed to just tell her how I felt. But, neither of us was ready for it.
“Um I’d love to come,” I said, shaking off the nerves.
She sighed, “Oh thank god, I thought you were going to say no…”
“I should, but I can’t say no.”
She paused, “What?”
“I have a girlfriend… it’s a long story,” I was so fucking afraid that I blew the entire thing. I wanted to cry haha, fuck.
“I’m coming over now, don’t go anywhere,” she sounded excited.
“We need to talk about this, I want to know the long story and I want to know what I can do to help.”
“Wow, you’re actually amazing haha.”
“Shut up,” she hung up.
That is not how I expected her to react, at all. She couldn’t stop blowing me away for two seconds, even if she tried. When she came on to our bus, she tackled me in a hug and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“What’s this for,” I asked laughing from the amazing surprise.
“Because I know how you feel Catie, and I want to help because I want to see where this goes…”’
We sat down on the couch and I told her everything about Charlotte, which wasn’t easy to do. I could tell Hayley tensed up when I told her Charlotte was an abusive alcoholic that I got stuck living with and that I didn’t know how to get away from her besides touring and the band. Hayley was the easiest person to talk to for me now, because she listened attentively and didn’t over react. It felt fucking incredible to tell her how I felt about all of it, but there was obviously more I needed to say.
“I want you to be my girlfriend, no matter what happens with Charlotte,” I said, almost whispering because I was so damn nervous.
She hugged me, pulling my head against her shoulder, “I will be.”
“You look amazing today, by the way,” I pulled away and checked her out. Oh god.
She giggled and fell against me, “You’re so cute.”
“Shut up! You’re adorable,” I pulled her into my lap.
“You think we can hide this from the world,” she asked, laughing and looking up at me with her head against my shoulder.
“We can try our damndest. Now go, I’ve got sound check.”
She smiled and hugged me quickly, “I’ll see you later Catie,” she kissed my cheek, making me blush like an idiot.
The guys laughed at me the entire sound check, because I’ve probably never smiled this much in front of them. Eventually I would tell them what happened, but I wasn’t ready. The surprise of it all made me extremely high and made everything so much easier. I’d felt like a large weight drop off of me, and that was mostly because of Hayley’s clothes today. I couldn’t wait to see what she was wearing tonight. Obviously this sound check ended quickly, because I was way too fucking distracted to come up with any good ideas. But, eventually the whole thing would inspire me to write more. Right now, I was just so obsessed with her, I had to text her.
“Hey, what you wearing tonight,” I asked her. The wait for her reply killed me.
I freaked out when she replied, “Wouldn’t you like to know ;).”
“Don’t get like that with me! I just want to match with you!”
“That’d be cool. I’m wearing a black dress with a red and yellow belt and red high heels.”
Oh god. “You can’t wear that…”
“LOL why not?”
I walked into a wall while in the process of replying to her. Jim got the attention of the whole band crew and everyone started laughing. “Because I just walked into a wall cus of you…”
It took her longer to reply this time. “Ohmygod LOL! You’re hilarious! I miss you L.”
“Only 1 hour till the date! No frowning!!!”
“I can’t wait.”
I got light headed again, feeling like I was on fire, “I can’t either. It’ll be amazing.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about her for the entire hour. I was seriously falling for Hayley faster than I thought was possible. Tonight, I had to kiss her. I didn’t have any other choice, because it was the only thing I could think about now. Hayley wasn’t just some girl I was going to date, she was my future and my hero. Nothing would ever change that either, not even the whole world. I dressed nice, in all black to at least match with her somewhat. No one asked why I was dressing up, and that was a good thing. We weren’t ready for anyone to know, especially Hayley. I wanted to respect her and practically treat her like a queen, because she deserved it.
I took a taxi over to the place where the dinner was. Apparently, some management was going to be there, which worried me because it could get in the way of the date and meeting Taylor and Jeremy as well. But, business was part of the music and I respected that. I was just being territorial with Hayley. I wanted her all to myself, and I’ve never felt like that before. Hopefully, everything goes perfect like it should.
“Catie,” she yelled, squeaking a bit before she hugged me.
I looked down at her dress and how amazing it hung off of her perfect body. “You look fucking amazing,” I whispered as I hugged her really tight.
“You always look amazing,” She whispered and pulled away, “This is Taylor and that’s Jeremy!”
“Haha it’s awesome to meet you guys. You kick ass on stage!”
“Haha thanks,” Taylor said, “Hayley’s been obsessed with you for like 6 years now.”
“Wow,” I looked at her, “Really?”
She blushed and nodded before smacking Taylor, “Shut up! Let’s go eat.”
I hadn’t been on a date for a really long time, and certainly didn’t remember it being this amazing. I got along with everyone here and we all had a lot to talk about, but to be honest, I couldn’t stop staring at Hayley. I’d never seen something so amazing in my life. She was seriously getting more and more beautiful every time I saw her, and it was getting harder to hold back. I’d never felt like this before, and I think it was because I loved her. But everything was so shrouded by everything else; I didn’t know what I should feel.
This is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life. Catie’s sense of humor was killing me and making me laugh like an idiot in front of everyone, but I didn’t care. Another thing I noticed was how we couldn’t avoid staring at each other. It was seriously like a normal date, just way more fun with her than anyone else. There was no tension or awkwardness between us or the crew, and that was a clear sign no one would fit into this better than Catie. It was actually kinda perfect, and I wasn’t surprised.
Catie needed to break up with Charlotte, for so many reasons. Charlotte was not good enough or right for Catie. She deserved SO much better and it killed me to think about how she wasn’t treated right. I wanted to make her life better and take care of her, because I loved her more than anyone else could. Catie kept me head over heels all the time now, and nothing could get in the way of it. Because I just couldn’t let it. She was a part of my life now and she had to know that.
We walked out to the van that would take us back to the venue to get ready for the show. Of course I sat by Catie in the very back. “That was amazing,” I said, leaning against her.
She smiled and wrapped her arms around me, “I loved it. We have to do it again sometime, like tomorrow night,” she laughed.
“Yesss, I vote we do it every night!”
“Hey, why don’t you sing the last song with me tonight?”
I couldn’t breathe, “Um wow, yes. Are you serious?” I can’t believe she even asked that.
She laughed and hugged me tighter, sliding her hand down to my waist, “Yes Hayley. I’ve always wanted to sing a duet with you!”
My jaw dropped, “Shit, let’s do it! The fans will freak! Which song?”
She grinned, “You’re favorite.”
I wanted to kiss her, so, so much. “I love you,” I whispered.
We were interrupted by a crowd of people near the gate to the buses, which got me freaking excited for this show. It was completely sold out and everyone was already going insane. It was going to be the best show yet so far, because tonight was the first night in a long time that I felt like my crazy ass self, and it felt amazing. I was so close to having the girl of my dreams as my girlfriend, and we were falling in love like some incredibly deep love story, but it was so much lighter hearted and easy than that. Catie was the reason why everything was getting easier and way more positive.
I was so nervous for the show tonight, specifically singing with Catie at the very end of the entire thing. I’ve sang the song before, blasting it in my car as I drove through Nashville to band practice. But, singing in on stage with her was going to be surreal and probably one of the most amazing things ever; besides telling her I loved her. Every amazing thing had to do with her now, which was ironic because she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
Our set was fun as hell, especially since the crowd was absolutely going crazy. The three of us were getting more and more comfortable with just being a trio on stage and in the spotlight. We had probably the best support and influence on this tour. Everyone was some of our heroes and people we look up to. I never wanted this tour to end, ever. And it only got better when Stone Sour got on the stage. They’re definitely my favorite band to see live, ignoring the fact that Catie is the lead singer. I seriously couldn’t wait for the last song.
“Alright,” Catie said while everything quieted down. She walked over to center stage, strapping her guitar on. “We weren’t ever going to do this song live, but everyone insisted we play the motherfucker. So I need someone to help me out with this. Get the fuck out here!!”
The stage hand slipped the mic into my hand before I nervously jumped out on stage, trying not to trip. She started the intro on her own, making it hard for me not to faint or something incredibly embarrassing. Her voice was so amazing. Once it got to the chorus, everyone freaked out and there was this amazing vibe that I’ve never felt at any show in my life. At the end of the second verse, I came in with light backing vocals, scaring myself when we harmonized. Then, at the chorus it became so heavy and loud that all you could hear was us harmonizing and making our way to each other on the stage, which was the worst thing we could’ve done. Everyone was noticing that Catie and I weren’t just singing together, we were singing to each other on accident. We kept getting closer until we were singing at each other face to face, and every word started to become harder and harder to sing until the very last phrase of the outro, because we literally needed to kiss each other.
She grabbed my face, leaning forward quickly as she kissed me. The entire auditorium went silent, and neither of us cared. I knew this completely ruined keeping it a secret, but I figured if we already blew it, might as well just enjoy this incredible moment. We kissed harder, wrapping our arms around each other. We both smiled at the same time into the kiss, except I was starting to tear up a bit, just from relief of how bad I’ve wanted to do this for so long, and I didn’t want it to end anytime soon, and it didn’t. Jim pushed us off the stage as the crowd was painfully loud. Catie threw her guitar off and stared at me, inches away.
“I love you too,” she smiled before kissing me again.
“I love you more than you think,” I said grabbing her face.
Paramore was on stage, absolutely getting the crowd hyped up for the entire show. They were one of the best bands I’ve ever seen live. Their energy, tight sound, personality, and music were made for the stage. Especially Hayley. I know I was extremely biased because I was completely in love with her, but she really was a brilliant lead singer. God she looked amazing tonight, making everyone else look plain and lazy. I knew she’d never like me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to get closer to her. I hardly knew her, and I wanted to so I could figure out why I couldn’t stop thinking about her and staring at her. Tonight I had to talk to her and invite her on the bus.
Everything aside, tonight was going to be amazing, first show of the tour. The headliner is supposed to be the coolest band to listen to and see, and I had no doubt we could achieve that. Singing was seriously my favorite thing in the world, and probably the thing I was the best at in life. But, I noticed it felt a lot different now than it did before. Every word I sang, I truly felt and felt like presenting in more and more in the performance. I hadn’t felt this alive in a very long time. I don’t know if it was the crowd, the first show, or Hayley causing this, but it was amazing. I was going crazy and questioning whether I was going to over step my boundary tonight… and I don’t think I would regret it.
Hayley came to our dressing room after the show, by surprise. I felt so god damned nervous, especially with Jim talking to her while I changed. I was going to ask her to come to the bus, but I was beginning to think it was a bit too early and sending the wrong message. I wanted to get to know Hayley, and not freak her out. I walked out into the lounge, staring at her the entire time she was talking to Jim. She was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, especially up close. I felt light headed, short of breath, and like I wanted to just hold her. It made me feel like a creep.
“Catie! How are you,” she asked excitedly, her eyes widening and her smile getting huge like a little kid.
“Amazing that you’re here,” I’m so cheesy.
“Aww you’re so sweet,” she smiled and hugged me with one arm around my shoulders. She could barely reach.
I laughed, changing the mood so it wouldn’t get awkward, “How are you? You look tired after the show.”
“Yeah I am, but I feel good otherwise, especially since we’re talking more,” she smiled.
“Yeah that’s how I feel haha. You want to go for a walk?”
“Sure, that’d be amazing!”
We walked outside, smiling at each other back and forth. It was humid and cold outside, forcing us to put our jackets on, but it wasn’t a bad thing. We talked about the show and how amazing our fans are. Simple things to talk about were quickly running out, because we had so many things in common. We went into lyric writing and talking about how we came up with melodies and extra little instruments phrases. Randomness was definitely one of the biggest things we had in common, and honesty of course. Hayley was a perfect girl, deep and complicated, but very down to earth and easy to know if she liked you or not. She didn’t make me feel weird or like I was over stepping some imaginary boundary. I was definitely falling for this girl.
“Catie, how come you’re like not afraid of anything? Like, you just throw yourself out there and give everyone pieces of your personal life… I could never be like that.” We sat on a bench in the park next to the venue.
“Haha well being in metal makes it completely different. The media pays no attention to metal, no one takes it seriously haha, just the veterans. I have to have everything out in the open, it’s the only way I can write music,” I practically stared at her, from amazement that she’d ask a question like that.
“Wow. That’s amazing haha, I’m jealous. We’re one of the biggest bands now. It’s crazy, because I never expected to end up like this. I’m so pressured because so many people look up to me,”
“So you’re afraid to be open about a lot of things?”
“Yeah, especially like the biggest secrets, it’s hard to just tell the entire world that some things they think about you are wrong. But, I’m only hiding it because of Josh. He put this band in this label and everyone thinks that his label is the band.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, “Hayley, Paramore is you. You’re the reason the band is so popular and so loved. Josh’s labels aren’t relevant, and you need to tell people that. You deserve to live how you want to live and not let strangers or dick heads change that.” It felt so fucking good to say that.
“It’s not just the fans… it’s my friends, family, and everyone else,” she sounded stressed, pressured, and sad, everything she didn’t deserve to feel. I think I knew what the big deal was.
“Hayley, are you gay?”
She got nervous and snuggled up to me, “Yeah I am and only you and Jen know. I hate it.”
Wow holy fuck, selfish thoughts were rushing to my brain. I knew it damnit!! “Why the fuck are you single?”
She laughed, “Because I’m self conscious about the whole girl thing, and it has to be kept secret till I’m sure it wouldn’t ruin my life… and I want to find the right person,” she paused and went silent before laughing nervously, but quiet, “I want to fall in love I guess, so I know I am actually gay.”
“That’s actually amazing, and the right way to do it.”
I didn’t know what else to say, besides something that would completely ruin the friendship, especially if she feels the same way I do. There was just something between us, I knew it. We had this honest, undeniable, chemistry where we always ended up in the same place and talked about the similarities in our preferences. Now that I knew she wanted a girlfriend, I had an impulse to try to be the one she needed, because that’s how I was clearly feeling about her.
That night, I went to bed with way to many things spinning in my head. I was bound by this other world, but I was being told that the other world wasn’t a part of me because it held me back now. I was so confused, like how was I supposed to just merge all of it together and maintain friendships, fans, and the entire band. This was really complicated and confusing. I didn’t know what to do mentally, but I knew following my heart was the only way to go anymore, because my brain has over ruled for too long because of everyone else pressuring me to live another way. This isn’t as easy as it should be, I mean all I want is someone to be with who understands the way my life works and will accept everything about it. But, it turns out I was the only one who was truly in the way.
I got dressed and trying to look decent, hurrying to catch Jen before they went to IHOP. Skillet was pretty much obsessed with late night pancakes, and I couldn’t deny that comfort food sounded really good right now. Jen was definitely the right person to be around now, because she told the absolute truth without any hang ups. Also, she knew a lot about me and everything having to do with love, which I knew too less about. I needed someone to tell me what I should do, especially regarding Catie and our feelings for each other.
“Jen,” I ran to catch up with her as the band was walking down the street. I hugged her, “How are you?”
She hugged back, “I’m amazing! I see your doing well.”
“Really,” I was wondering why in the world it seemed that way.
“Yes, you’re smiling and energetic again… you talked to Catie didn’t you,” she grinned.
“Yeah I did actually… she knows now.”
We kept walking behind the group, “That’s great! Hayley, whatever else you’re thinking about is irrelevant. Catie really likes you. Didn’t you notice?”
I was speechless for awhile, replaying our conversations and body language in my head. “Yeah I guess so. You think she’s not that amazing with just everyone haha?”
“No, I think you guys have something and are both being way too hesitant about it. It sucks, because you both are so much happier with each other.”
“I don’t know what do though,” I was whining a little, because I was sick of hearing it. I just wanted actual guidance instead of things I already knew.
She giggled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, “You’re over thinking it bud. Catie is a total guy! What would you do with a guy who likes you?”
“Um… I guess I would start dressing better and calling them more and invite her to dinner with the band and stuff,” I smiled nervously as I said that.
“See, was that so hard?!”
I smiled and nodded, “No, just I don’t know. She makes me nervous like some school girl. I haven’t felt like this since I was thirteen I guess.”
“Aww you totally love her!”
“I think I do…”
Jen was right, I was totally over reacting. It would take a lot for the world to notice simple things like what Jen said I should do. And, Catie was worth it, but I wanted to protect her from the media at the time. She said she wasn’t ever in the media, because of the metal label, so she wouldn’t be used to it at all. We had to keep it secret for as long as we could, because the last thing I wanted was for Catie to feel threatened by the me and the band’s popularity. Tomorrow, I was going to start being myself, regardless of anything else. And, I was going to tell Taylor and Jeremy. All of this was under my control right now, and I wasn’t going to mess that up.
I woke up the next morning, literally jumping out my bunk. I threw on an orange and black skirt I had made a while back and a black tanktop, and also makeup. I was actually attempting to look like a girl today, and it was really fun to be honest. The second I was done, I walked to the front and sat next to Jeremy who was texting Kat.
“Hey, is it okay if Catie comes with us to dinner before the show tonight?”
He looked surprised, “Duh, she’s awesome… why you asking permission?”
“Uh… well it’s going to be kind of a date thing…” I was so freaking nervous!
He smiled, “That’s awesome Hay, its fine with me. You’re asking her?”
“Yeah, I don’t think she knows I like her that much yet haha.”
“She’s such a guy haha, well she’ll fit right in… and definitely say yes. She stares at you a lot,” he laughed and hugged me before going of to call Kat.
I was relieved at how easy it was to tell Jeremy… but it was weird considering he wasn’t too surprised or anything. Was it that obvious now that I liked Catie? I mean I wanted it to be obvious, but it was so embarrassing. And now, I had to actually ask her out tonight, which I wasn’t honestly ready for, but I had to before it was too late.
She started laughing right when she answered her phone, “I was literally just going to call you!”
“Are you serious?! That’s amazing! So um tonight there’s a dinner for the band at some pizza place, no idea where it is,” I was ranting, bad idea. “You want to come? You could be like my date or something…” I was nervous out of my mind. To make things worse, she went silent.yl
The venue was huge, and certainly not empty four hours before the show. The catering was in the gigantic and royally decorated lounge. It was very Victorian age, making me wish I had a camera. It was one of the most beautiful buildings I’d ever seen, but clearly I had my eye on something even more incredibly beautiful. Hayley changed again, wearing dark red skinny jeans and a black tank top, perfectly framing her perfect body. My mind was really in the gutter today.
She then sat by me on the couch, “HI!”
I laughed, “HI, what are you so excited about?”
“Wellll, one we’re playing a sold out show with amazing fans, ANDD two Josh says he’d love to talk to you more. If you can gain his trust, you can win anyone over,” she leaned against me.
“I’d rather win you over.”
She laughed, “You don’t really have to! Go talk to him,” she pouted, “Plleeease?!”
“Aw. Alright, fine. I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere!” I said hugging her quickly, then going into the other room where he was playing guitar. Ugh, I didn’t want to do this. For Hayley. “Hey Josh, what’s going on?” I said acting cool.
“Practicing. What’s going on with you and Hayley,” he asked, sounding serious and not bother to even look at me.
“Nothing, she’s just a great friend… Why?”
He laughed, “Because I see the way she looks at you, like some lovesick puppy. You should leave while you have the chance, before she pulls you in.”
He was being honest and nice, so I didn’t let it piss me off. “I understand where your coming from, but Hayley always looks like that.. and why would I leave her when it’s not about me?”
“Good point. But why do you want to stay around her haha?”
“Because she’s amazing. She’s a great friend. Stop being condescending..” I said feeling challenged. He was annoying as well!
“I still don’t see it,” he laughed full of fakeness.
“Josh, if you’ve got a problem then leave,” I said walking away angrily, leaving this weird rivalry alone for now. I didn’t have the time for his childishness. But, I couldn’t stay angry for long, not with the beautiful face smiling at me.
She hugged me, “How’d it go?”
“It was.. awkward. We didn’t talk much. Buuut I’m happy to see you again,” I said wrapping my arms around her back and pulling her against me.
She breathed in and pressed her head against my chest, “I have no idea what’s going on, but I love it.”
I said nothing; I just enjoyed this while it lasted. Jake looked at me smiling and gave me a thumb up. He also looked surprised, well who wasn’t at this point? Hayley and I parted and I walked over to Jake hugging him as well.
“You’re so in love with herrr,” he said teasingly.
I pushed him, “Oh and you’re not in love with Jenny!”
He laughed, “Truce! That is true… but you and Hayley are fuckin magic!”
“Aw you think so?” I looked at her goofing off with Taylor.
“I wouldn’t lie to you. Don’t screw up,” he stuck his tongue out.
I ruffled his hair, “You should go ask Zac to show you the ropes on the drums.”
“Yeah! Thanks Catie, love you,” he said smiling and running over to Zac.
I sat down, thinking about everything that happened today. Josh was now the only actual problem, he worried me. What if he did something that ruined what Hayley and I had by ruining the band. He doesn’t want to be here, that’s painfully obvious. But, I guess there’s something else I should focus on. Right now, I needed to be closer to Hayley. Little did I know, I didn’t have to do anything.
“I’m going to miss you Catie,” Hayley pouted as we stood outside the bus, “And you Jake,” she hugged him tightly.
“Hey, you can call both of us whenever you need and we’ll see each other soon,” I said pulling her into my arms. “I’m going to miss you too, so much.” I was really sad, but I hid it as well as I could.
“Thank you so much,” she said breathing into my chest. God I wanted to kiss her more than ever.
“Stop thanking me, I want to do all of this.”
We said goodbye, and then Jake and I walked away, waving at everyone. We were both pouting in a way, from sadness. It was hard to leave, but I remembered it wasn’t the end. It was only the beginning! Gosh I’m even silly for letting Hayley be sad about us going! But, we had to. And, I had to before I lost control.
“Catie, you know that bad feeling you get before something bad happens?” I nodded, eager to listen. “Well, I’ve got it. It’s kinda bugging me,” he looked lost.
“Ignore it, it’s probably just hormones bud. Because everything is fucking perfect!”
“YEAH! Like Hayley’s body…”
I tried not to think about it, “Oh god shut up I’m driving.”
He laughed, “Oh come on, you’re weak! What happened in the car anyway?”
I couldn’t answer Jake yet, because as we pulled up to the house, I realized how we would get closer to Hayley. The house that we’ve lived in since my best friend married Jake’s father was smoldering down to back pieces of ruins. Fuck fuck fuck. Why and how the fuck did this happen?
I ran inside, not fearing the blazing flames that killed the house and could’ve killed me. I instantly ran through the intense flames, ignoring Jake’s cries for me to come out and stop being an idiot. But, I wasn’t going to lose our instruments that his parents bought us to start our band. No no, I just couldn’t fucking let that happen!
I ran back out with everything I wanted. I was safe and the things were safe, what else mattered now? But, everyone around me didn’t agree that everything was okay. Reluctantly, I was thrown in the back of the ambulance with Jake who was silent. He looked oddly guilty, which worried me. But his bad feeling was right. For the most part.
“Catie! What the fuck are you thinking,” Jake yelled as we sat in a treatment room. it stung a little, and not just the ointment on my burns but definitely him yelling.
“Jake, I couldn’t let our instruments burn to the ground. They mean more than the house,” I said calmly, trying to comfort him. “Really, I’m fine!”
“It’s not about just us Caitlin! Hayley loves you.”
My knees got weak, “Wait what?”
“You’re really dumb sometimes,” he slapped his forehead, “I’m going to call her.”
“Don’t get me in too much trouble please..” I sat back down and put my face in my hands. “Wait, why are you avoiding the police Jake?” I looked at him, remembering his shadiness in the ambulance
“It’s nothing,” he said, clearly getting defensive. “She won’t answer.”
“Jake, come on buddy you can tell me anything,” I said sitting next to him.
“Promise you won’t get mad?” He looked at me with naïve eyes, he looked scared.
“Before we left the house, I tried a cigarette.. and I forgot to put it out”
I pulled him in, hugging him tightly, “Jake, you’re not in trouble at all and I’m not mad. I used to smoke myself, and it’s nothing you want to get into. It’s not your fault. What would Jenny say?”
He teared up and cried into my shoulder, “She told me not to.”
“It’s okay Jake, don’t cry. Hey, just call her now and see if she can come,” I said kissing his head. “I’ll talk to Hayley.”
He nodded and proceeded to call Jenny. I went to the hospital room, remembering Hayley’s number as I had memorized it in the car. I thought of what to say, and worked on staying completely calm. Ugh she was going to kill me. But, it was fixable. All of this was fixable and we just had to stay calm. Saying goodbye to her was worse than I thought it would be.
“I’m 2 minutes from the hospital,” she said, sounding like she’d been crying.
“Hayley, you don’t have to come. I’m fine, really.”
“Oh fuck you Catie, this isn’t about you. I miss you so fucking bad it hurts. When I saw your guys’ house I got so scared. Fuck don’t ever, ever do this to me again.”
She was making me cry. I tried to breathe, “Wow. Hayley. I don’t know what to say.”
“Shut up,” she said laughing, “And lemme take care of you for awhile.”
“Yes mam,” I laughed and smiled, covering up that I was crying.
“Catie, I. I’m almost there,” she sounded serious now.
“I’m in 107.”
After we hung up, it felt like I waited forever for her to come. I couldn’t stop thinking about her last sentence. She was going to say something else, but she didn’t. She wasn’t ready yet, but hopefully that wait wouldn’t feel like forever. Because I was ready for her, more than ever. She’s the only person I feel comfortable around and can tell the truth to. But, I felt like if she didn’t want to do this, then I’d have to lie to her about being okay with it.
“You leave me for 2 hours and the world goes to hell,” Hayley said laughing and running up to me.
We hugged tightly, like always, “Haha that’ll teach me a lesson for leaving you.”
“Damn straight,” she giggled, “Oh, and I brought a friend,” she pulled away grinning.
Jenny walked through the doors with a bag and a smile bigger than Hayley’s, “Hello,” she said with an English accent.
We walked up to meet her. “Hi Jenny, I’m Catie, Jake’s God Mother. It’s nice to meet you!”
“It’s nice to meet you too,” she said excitedly, smiling as Jake ran in. They collided in a massive hug. Awwww.
“Come here,” Hayley said pulling me to the hospital bed and making me lay on it. Then, she looked at my arm gently, “One day I may get you killed.” We laughed as I pulled her down next to me and I held her. “What are you going to do?”
“I have no idea,” I sighed as I rubbed up and down her back.
“Um, well I kind of had a thought in the car earlier. I mean it’s okay if you don’t want to, but it’s like really a good idea I think,” she said nervously.
“Alright, tell me!!”
“I want you and Jake to come live with me,” she said looking up into my eyes.
Wow. I blinked and tried to realize watch she said, “Um really?”
“Yes, I mean I have a huge house that’s too big for just me and I’d like to have someone to come home to,” she said shrugging and sitting up, crossing her legs.
“Wow Hayley, yes. I’d love to be that person,” we held hands.
“Whoa, wait you guys are moving to Nashville,” Jenny said pulling Jake over to us. “Um well I guess this isn’t goodbye after all Jake,” she smiled and hugged him.
“Awwwww,” Hayley said teasingly.
“So, this is my family now,” I said looking at everyone.
Hayley laid back down next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. Then, Jenny and Jake lay on the other side of me. “What else would you call this,” Jake asked laughing as he held Jenny. The thing was, we were all in love with each other, even if we didn’t know it yet. Even though we were all different, dysfunctional, and distant, we were becoming a family.
I just needed us to be closer, to get to know each other, to grow together, and to finally be together. And, somehow I knew everything was going to fall in place. Because, the red head next to me had a look that told me so. And, because I saw the way Jake and Jenny were with each other. This was something big. Wow, all of this was really happening and meant to happen. I’ve never been so alive.
“Hey Rachel, is it cool if I bring Jake,” I asked when I called her. Nervous was an understatement for what I was feeling about the whole thing.
“Sure! That’d be exceptionally great! Are you also coming with us to the after party? Last show of the tour is always a rage.”
“Wow, with the band?”
“Yes! It’s going to be amazing. You’ll love Hayley, she’s quite a fun dancer!”
“I already do.”
After we hung up, I jumped up and down, absolutely freaking out. Holy fuck! Tonight, I’d be immersed with all of my favorite people, at a fucking killer after party. Everything just kept getting better as the week went on. Tonight would be the best night ever though. I was going to meet Hayley, like could it fucking just get any better? I’m very blessed now, and I didn’t believe I deserved any of it. Hopefully, I remain in the honest state of mind, because I couldn’t screw this up.
I drove to the middle school to pick Jake up, waiting with Riot! on pause. I parked in the front and looked for him. There, I found him talking to a girl and walking with her. He was smiling and laughing and so was she. They seemed awfully nervous to be just friends. At this moment, I was proud of him. He was a gentleman, carrying her back pack for her. Then, before they walked closer, they waved goodbye and he ran to the car, grinning from ear to ear at me.
“Hello,” he said getting in the passenger side, then pushing play on the stereo. “Good day for this album.”
“Ahh what’s her name?”
“Jenny,” he smiled. “She likes Paramore too. She’s a good singer too,” he said dazing off.
“You and me tend to go for singers,” I smiled.
“I can’t stop thinking about her,” we said almost in unison.
“HAHA hey if it wasn’t for me you’d never get to meet her,” Jake said, sounding beyond his years like usual.
“Well, not just me, because you’re coming with me,” I grinned.
His jaw dropped, “No fuckin way! You’re the best,” he hugged me.
“Haha yes way! Buddy, we’re getting our singers, period,” I said punching his shoulder.
He smiled, “Anything is possible. Thanks Catie.”
He blew me away when he said that, “Yes it is. Of course Jake, you know that I love you very much. You’re parents would be so proud.”
“I love you too. I hope so, I want to be as good as my father.”
“You’re a lot like him! You have all his best qualities.”
Jake’s attitude today was a miraculous change from how he’s been lately. Something switched on for Jake, and I was excited to see how much more he matured and continued to be more like his father. We’re getting closer as well, everyday. This kid gave me more hope than anyone.
The both of us sat on the couch as he did his homework. “What are you going to wear tonight,” he asked.
“Black jeans, probably my dark red button up. Why you ask?”
“Well.. no reason,” he grinned and shrugged. “I’ll dress up too.”
“Oh really now? So, is this competition for Hayley then?”
“Whoever talks to her first, 50 bucks,” he laughed and smiled, before sticking his tongue out. “Hey, watch this first,” he said grinning and handing me his laptop.
“HAHA NO! I am not watching this, the song is bad enough,” I said when I saw it was the video Misery Business.
“I double dog dare you,” he said grinning.
“Fuck,” I said dropping my eyebrows, “Fine.” I don’t believe I blinked the whole time. “Jake, you’re going to die!”
He laughed and ran from me, “You loved it! Just a taste of what you have to deal with!”
“You’re most likely right,” I said before charging him, then hugging him. “Alright, go get dressed and then I’ll do your hair.”
I sat on the couch, waiting for Jake to get ready. Hayley was everything I literally could ask for. This sounds crazy, but she’s perfection. I know I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. It was weird though and a little too obsessive. This was starting a new conflict to be honest. But, it would pass. Maybe I just need to meet more women.
Once Jake and I were ready, we got in the car and opened the text with the directions. We were shaking and practically freaking ourselves out with excitement. This was insane! I cannot believe we’re going to see them, let alone meet them. I couldn’t wait to see how everything turned out.
We got there and found the limo that Rachel and Elizabeth were waiting for us in. As we got closer to the venue, my heart beat became explosively fast; it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. This was it. I promised I’d be myself the whole time as well, for Jake more than myself. This was me, and I was happy about the fake me disappearing and becoming useless.
“Are you two excited,” Rachel asked smiling as we started walking out of the parking lot towards the indoor venue.
“Yes,” Jake and I yelled in unison.
She laughed, “You two are cute! Hayley and the boys are anxious to meet you guys.”
“Whoa, you told them about us,” Jake asked surprised.
“Yes! It’s just the four of us going in backstage!”
“Holy shit,” we both said.
She laughed again, “Keep yourselves calm!”
We walked through the gigantic crowd that seemed almost as excited as Jake and I were. With each step I took, each one became more and more unbelievable. Like, I couldn’t believe where we were right now. So, I held his hand to insure I wouldn’t get lost in time and get left behind. He smiled and shook his head, squeezing my hand a little, then letting go. Finally, we reached the back door where we showed our tickets and IDs. The big guy and Rachel hugged. God she knew everyone here!
Once we walked in, we saw only Hayley, Taylor, and Jeremy warming up and goofing off before the show. I froze, and Jake just kind of stared at me and laughed, then nudged my side with his elbow. It kind of snapped me out of the daze, but not completely. Rachel and Elizabeth greeted and hugged them as they all got excited as well.
“Alright, this is Caitlin and Jake! They’re good friends of ours,” Rachel said leading them over to us.
Jake and I shook their hands as Hayley said, “Well now I feel really short. How tall are you,” she asked loking at me.
Oh shit, simple question! Come on Caitlin, don’t fuck up. “About 5’6, not that tall.”
She laughed, “It is to me! It’s great to meet you two! Ever been to a show before?”
“Not of you guys,” Jake said, “And Catie used to be too busy to go,” he laughed.
They all laughed and Hayley said, “Way to back your God Mother up Jake. One sec, my cell phone won’t shut up,” she said walking away.
“You guys play any instrument,” Jeremy asked.
“Jake plays trumpet, guitar, piano and drums. And, I sing, kind of,” I said laughing.
“She’s really not that bad,” Jake said.
“Aww now you’re making up for bagging on my lack of concerts.”
It was fun talking to the guys and Rachel, but Elizabeth seemed like she didn’t want to be here at all. I felt this horrible fucking vibe coming from her. It angered me, but I ignored it. But, there was also something else I couldn’t ignore. Hayley was on the phone, sounding different. She sounded frustrated with whoever she was talking to. It bothered me quite unexpectedly.
Elizabeth began to walk away and Rachel followed, grabbing her by the wrist, “What’s going on sweetheart?” then, they walked out.
Jeremy, Taylor, Jake and I sat on the large couch against the wall in the dressing room and continued to talk. “Women,” Jake said shaking his head as we all laughed.
“So, Caitlin what’s your plans after your contract ends,” Taylor said.
“Umm.. well I’d love to try acting. I used to do it when I was younger. I’m only 20, so still some growing up to do.”
“What kind of acting?”
“I was thinking music videos, the less talking I do the better.”
They laughed and smiled, “That’s awesome. Hey Hayley, Caitlin wants to act in music videos,” Jeremy yelled.
“That is so cool!” She said covering the phone and smiling. “If you show up, don’t be surprised if security hauls your ass to Alaska!” she hung up, and came over, sitting next to us.
“Greg again,” Jeremy asked, hugging her a little.
“Yeah,” she sighed, “He’s beyond annoying and pushy. I’m sick of his crap.”
“Guys can be stupid, just ignore him,” I said being friendly.
She smiled, “Thanks, I’ll definitely try to. Yeah they really can be. I think I need a change.”
“Don’t we all?”
“Yeah, I think we do. Everyone’s getting bored with summer and life period probably. So you want to be an actress?”
“Yeah, it’d be a good change. I’d like to go to school for it.”
“Well, that’s ambitious, I never had the guts to finish school,” She said laughing.
“Like you need education!”
“Haha aww thank you! Well, it’s almost 10 minutes till, let’s head to back stage,” she said getting up.
Rachel came in, “Elizabeth isn’t coming,” she frowned.
Hayley hugged her, “How come?”
“She said needs a break.”
I joined the hug once I heard that, “I’m sorry Rachel. She’s taking you for granted. You’re great.”
She smiled, “Thanks Catie. Let’s go guys,” she said sniffling.
All of us walked out onto the backside of the stage, behind the curtain in the back. Jake was with Taylor and Jeremy a little bit behind the three of us. We watched the opening band, they were pretty good. It was a nice distraction for my pure new found hatred for Elizabeth. Hayley and her held hands the whole time, making me even more jealous to be honest. But, I couldn’t figure out who I was more jealous of at this point.
When it was time for them to go on, they told us to meet them at a hotel where they arranged the party. Then, Zac and Josh appeared out of nowhere and looked ready to play, that seemed weird to me. But, I ignored it and wrapped my arm around Jake’s shoulders and watched anxiously for their set to begin. I’ve never been this excited or blown away in my life.
Rachel was on the other side of me, she smiled, but you know there was pain deep down. Hopefully I could help and all of this would take her mind off of the bad things. It sure helped me incredibly much. Their music helped me on a level I couldn’t describe, and talking to them was like Heaven on Earth. Tonight would only get better.
Hesitate Chapter 1- The Start of It All I’m Caitlin and truth be told, I was not the best I could be and sometimes lied my way out of a situation of life. It was always hard for me, but after my two best friends died in a car accident I was left with their house in Maine and their little boy Jake, who was assigned as my God child. I was surprised how much they trusted me. Lately I’ve felt like a failure, He’s been acting up as a normal 13 year old boy, but it was unexpected. After two years, I was getting better at looking after him, but I needed a partner. And, we needed our family to grow and change. So, I was going to do it on my own. “You think you can be alright on your own,” I ask him, putting on my overcoat. It was cold in Maine at this time of year, almost all year to be honest. “Caitie, I’m thirteen! I’ll be fine, you go on,” he said encouragingly. “You think I can meet the girl to get us out of here,” I ask smiling. “If you don’t lie this time.” He crushed me when he mentioned that. Ever since my best friend, his mother, passed, I’ve developed insecurities and a lying problem to be honest. I’ve chased many people away on accident because of it. But, every time I try to be truthful about something, it just turns into a lie to make them like me. It was the only way I could get through to anyone now. I’ve lost myself in the whole thing. But, it was better this way. A simple life is all I wanted. But, Jake deserved more. I walked into the bar, where I obviously didn’t fit in. All of these people were successful, well like, genuine, and rich. I was intimidated, but knew I could pull through and pretend I was all of these things. For Jake, I’d do anything. Obviously, even ruin someone else’s life by dragging them into mine. At least then, I wouldn’t fail at keeping Jake alive like I did with everything else. There was a brunette sitting at a table, with some other people, and I recognized them all, but especially her. There was something familiar about her. Like, I’ve seen her somewhere else, many places in fact. It was like me to block everyone else in the world out, but she was hard to do that with. I just couldn’t for the life of me remember her name. I wanted to physically hurt myself at this point, because of how beautiful she was. I walked up nervously, but kept my composure, “Hey, you seem familiar. Do I know you?” She turned to me and smiled beautifully, “Maybe from movies. My name is Rachel Thompson,” She had an incredible English accent.. “Wow. I am honored, I am a huge fan of your movies actually,” I remembered one, wow. I was now excited. “Thank you! This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth,” she said smiling. “I’m Caitlin, it’s amazing to meet you both,” I felt like passing out. “Nice to meet you. Sit down,” Elizabeth said kindly. Holy fuck, Italian accent. I sat down next to Rachel as she smiled and turned to me. “So, what do you do?” “Well, close to nothing. I take care of my God Child and write songs for commercial agencies, very boring,” I laughed. Rachel laughed, “That’s not boring. It’s different! How old is your God child?” “No, they died actually.” I kept talking as long as Rachel kept asking questions. The surprising and terrifying thing was, I didn’t lie to her. Everything came out easy. We flowed together and kept talking, ignoring everything around us. She was incredibly intrigued by my life, but not as much as I was by her. “Me stanco. Possiamo ora andare,” Elizabeth beautifully spoke in Italian, it could’ve been a Martian language for all I know. “Ahh Catie, we have to go. I’m sorry,” she frowned, and then spoke to Elizabeth in Italian. “We’ll be here for awhile though, here is my number,” she smiled, writing it down. “Let’s meet again sometime.” “I’d love that,” I smiled, feeling quite out of it to be honest. I couldn’t believe this happened. It wasn’t actually happening to be honest. She’d never answer or see me again. She’d easily forget me, just like the rest of them. She was beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, and interested in my life. But she was 10 years older than me and had no spark of childishness, no fun, and no big heart. Business women weren’t my type. She was a good friend though, but I still wasn’t going to let myself think it’s here to stay. Nothing ever does. Still, I tried to keep positive and focus on the good feeling she left me with. I went home reluctantly after only one drink. The party was stupid and droll, no one else interesting could really be found in Maine, even when they come from out of state. Jake was curled up on the couch, covered in the blanket his grandmother had made for him. I tucked him in, kissing his head. I loved this kid, for so many reasons. He always made me feel better and more accomplished than before. Except, he has a habit of speaking the truth, and the truth fucking hurts. But, I knew he was always right about me. He knew me better than anyone. Now I was glad to be home, after all. I flopped over onto my bed, feeling hyped up. Meeting new people always did this, but there was something quite different about this. I felt a little anxious, with some hope that I usually didn’t possess. It hardly made sense at all to me. So, now the waiting game began I guess. Waiting for what, I never know. But, I was certainly too riled up to sleep or lay in the same place. I got up and went into the living room, sitting in the arm chair near the couch where Jake slept. My phone buzzed, scaring me as I tried to shush it up, but it flew out of my hands right into Jake’s head. We both laughed. He opened it and read the text, “Rachel? Who’s that,” he said raising his eye brow. “Holy shi.. wow you met her?!” “Watch your language! Yes I did,” I smiled, “She has a girlfriend though. Now give me the phone!” He tossed it to me. It said “Hello Caitlin! Tomorrow night Elizabeth and I are attending a concert, we have an extra ticket!” “Let me see who it is.” I then asked her. “Paramore. You like them?” she texted back I felt like a fucking loser now, “I’ve never heard them,” I texted back. “Jake, do you know who Paramore is?” He laughed, “You don’t know who Paramore is? You’d love them!” he said not believing I didn’t know who they were. Jake and I huddled in front of his laptop as he showed me a music video from this year, 2007. Wow this chick was hot, bad first judgment but it was true. Then, when the music stared, I thought my ears were going to explode. There sound was one of the most powerful sounds I’ve ever heard in my life. each instrument was as dynamic as the up and downs of the tone. It was a new level of perfection was music, and I was fucking addicted and in love. “Tell me everything,” I demanded as he smiled and nodded. Jake knew music way better than I did, but he also sounded obsessed with this band. When I said everything, I didn’t know it’d be literally everything known to fucking man about this band. But, Christ I was so intrigued with their story and personalities, more than any girl I’ve ever met to be honest. This band hit a spot with me, and I wasn’t sure why. But, now I was even more excited about tomorrow. I got up to send Jake off to school. He was unexpectedly quiet for having an amazing time together last night, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Asking too many questions would be only making it worse. Next Morning “I’ll bring Hayley home with me tonight alright,” I said winking as he ate his cereal. He smiled, “You two would be a great couple.” I spit my water out from surprised, then busted out with laughter, “You think?” “Yeah, you’d be better than Greg..” “Greg, her boyfriend,” I raised an eyebrow. “Then he doesn’t deserve her… What’d I say about language?” “Yes in fact I am!” Jake and I blasted Paramore all the way to his school, so I could learn the words before the concert tonight. Truthfully, this band brought us closer together. All awkwardness with conversations was disappearing and he was much more open with me. I had to take him to the concert tonight, for him more than me. But, it was definitely making things easier on me. And, Rachel wanted to meet him anyway. This benefitted everyone. I got home, stealing both of Jake’s Paramore albums and putting the first one in. New inspiration= better work and more money for Jake and I. Today it seems like I had new inspiration for everything, a new fire for everything. It wasn’t Rachel, the date thing, or Jake’s and I closeness building for that matter. It was Paramore, and the concert would only increase it. I really had no idea what I was in for.
“Well, thank you,” I said awkwardly, “He’s thirteen, the danger age.”
“Ahh,” she nodded, “Must be difficult then. No parents?”
I grinned, “Rachel Thompson.”
“Show me then so you can stop laughing at me!”
“Yup, he’s a dick,” he said laughing.
Jake laughed, “Jealous much?”
Chapter 1- The Start of It All
I’m Caitlin and truth be told, I was not the best I could be and sometimes lied my way out of a situation of life. It was always hard for me, but after my two best friends died in a car accident I was left with their house in Maine and their little boy Jake, who was assigned as my God child. I was surprised how much they trusted me. Lately I’ve felt like a failure, He’s been acting up as a normal 13 year old boy, but it was unexpected. After two years, I was getting better at looking after him, but I needed a partner. And, we needed our family to grow and change. So, I was going to do it on my own.
“You think you can be alright on your own,” I ask him, putting on my overcoat. It was cold in Maine at this time of year, almost all year to be honest.
“Caitie, I’m thirteen! I’ll be fine, you go on,” he said encouragingly.
“You think I can meet the girl to get us out of here,” I ask smiling.
“If you don’t lie this time.”
He crushed me when he mentioned that. Ever since my best friend, his mother, passed, I’ve developed insecurities and a lying problem to be honest. I’ve chased many people away on accident because of it. But, every time I try to be truthful about something, it just turns into a lie to make them like me. It was the only way I could get through to anyone now. I’ve lost myself in the whole thing. But, it was better this way. A simple life is all I wanted. But, Jake deserved more.
I walked into the bar, where I obviously didn’t fit in. All of these people were successful, well like, genuine, and rich. I was intimidated, but knew I could pull through and pretend I was all of these things. For Jake, I’d do anything. Obviously, even ruin someone else’s life by dragging them into mine. At least then, I wouldn’t fail at keeping Jake alive like I did with everything else.
There was a brunette sitting at a table, with some other people, and I recognized them all, but especially her. There was something familiar about her. Like, I’ve seen her somewhere else, many places in fact. It was like me to block everyone else in the world out, but she was hard to do that with. I just couldn’t for the life of me remember her name. I wanted to physically hurt myself at this point, because of how beautiful she was.
I walked up nervously, but kept my composure, “Hey, you seem familiar. Do I know you?”
She turned to me and smiled beautifully, “Maybe from movies. My name is Rachel Thompson,” She had an incredible English accent..
“Wow. I am honored, I am a huge fan of your movies actually,” I remembered one, wow. I was now excited.
“Thank you! This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth,” she said smiling.
“I’m Caitlin, it’s amazing to meet you both,” I felt like passing out.
“Nice to meet you. Sit down,” Elizabeth said kindly. Holy fuck, Italian accent.
I sat down next to Rachel as she smiled and turned to me. “So, what do you do?”
“Well, close to nothing. I take care of my God Child and write songs for commercial agencies, very boring,” I laughed.
Rachel laughed, “That’s not boring. It’s different! How old is your God child?”
“No, they died actually.”
I kept talking as long as Rachel kept asking questions. The surprising and terrifying thing was, I didn’t lie to her. Everything came out easy. We flowed together and kept talking, ignoring everything around us. She was incredibly intrigued by my life, but not as much as I was by her.
“Me stanco. Possiamo ora andare,” Elizabeth beautifully spoke in Italian, it could’ve been a Martian language for all I know.
“Ahh Catie, we have to go. I’m sorry,” she frowned, and then spoke to Elizabeth in Italian. “We’ll be here for awhile though, here is my number,” she smiled, writing it down. “Let’s meet again sometime.”
“I’d love that,” I smiled, feeling quite out of it to be honest. I couldn’t believe this happened. It wasn’t actually happening to be honest. She’d never answer or see me again. She’d easily forget me, just like the rest of them.
She was beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, and interested in my life. But she was 10 years older than me and had no spark of childishness, no fun, and no big heart. Business women weren’t my type. She was a good friend though, but I still wasn’t going to let myself think it’s here to stay. Nothing ever does. Still, I tried to keep positive and focus on the good feeling she left me with.
I went home reluctantly after only one drink. The party was stupid and droll, no one else interesting could really be found in Maine, even when they come from out of state. Jake was curled up on the couch, covered in the blanket his grandmother had made for him. I tucked him in, kissing his head. I loved this kid, for so many reasons. He always made me feel better and more accomplished than before. Except, he has a habit of speaking the truth, and the truth fucking hurts. But, I knew he was always right about me. He knew me better than anyone. Now I was glad to be home, after all.
I flopped over onto my bed, feeling hyped up. Meeting new people always did this, but there was something quite different about this. I felt a little anxious, with some hope that I usually didn’t possess. It hardly made sense at all to me. So, now the waiting game began I guess. Waiting for what, I never know. But, I was certainly too riled up to sleep or lay in the same place. I got up and went into the living room, sitting in the arm chair near the couch where Jake slept. My phone buzzed, scaring me as I tried to shush it up, but it flew out of my hands right into Jake’s head. We both laughed.
He opened it and read the text, “Rachel? Who’s that,” he said raising his eye brow.
“Holy shi.. wow you met her?!”
“Watch your language! Yes I did,” I smiled, “She has a girlfriend though. Now give me the phone!”
He tossed it to me. It said “Hello Caitlin! Tomorrow night Elizabeth and I are attending a concert, we have an extra ticket!”
“Let me see who it is.” I then asked her.
“Paramore. You like them?” she texted back
I felt like a fucking loser now, “I’ve never heard them,” I texted back. “Jake, do you know who Paramore is?”
He laughed, “You don’t know who Paramore is? You’d love them!” he said not believing I didn’t know who they were.
Jake and I huddled in front of his laptop as he showed me a music video from this year, 2007. Wow this chick was hot, bad first judgment but it was true. Then, when the music stared, I thought my ears were going to explode. There sound was one of the most powerful sounds I’ve ever heard in my life. each instrument was as dynamic as the up and downs of the tone. It was a new level of perfection was music, and I was fucking addicted and in love.
“Tell me everything,” I demanded as he smiled and nodded.
Jake knew music way better than I did, but he also sounded obsessed with this band. When I said everything, I didn’t know it’d be literally everything known to fucking man about this band. But, Christ I was so intrigued with their story and personalities, more than any girl I’ve ever met to be honest. This band hit a spot with me, and I wasn’t sure why. But, now I was even more excited about tomorrow.
I got up to send Jake off to school. He was unexpectedly quiet for having an amazing time together last night, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Asking too many questions would be only making it worse.
“I’ll bring Hayley home with me tonight alright,” I said winking as he ate his cereal.
He smiled, “You two would be a great couple.”
I spit my water out from surprised, then busted out with laughter, “You think?”
“Yeah, you’d be better than Greg..”
“Greg, her boyfriend,” I raised an eyebrow.
“Then he doesn’t deserve her… What’d I say about language?”
“Yes in fact I am!”
Jake and I blasted Paramore all the way to his school, so I could learn the words before the concert tonight. Truthfully, this band brought us closer together. All awkwardness with conversations was disappearing and he was much more open with me. I had to take him to the concert tonight, for him more than me. But, it was definitely making things easier on me. And, Rachel wanted to meet him anyway. This benefitted everyone.
I got home, stealing both of Jake’s Paramore albums and putting the first one in. New inspiration= better work and more money for Jake and I. Today it seems like I had new inspiration for everything, a new fire for everything. It wasn’t Rachel, the date thing, or Jake’s and I closeness building for that matter. It was Paramore, and the concert would only increase it. I really had no idea what I was in for.