Ebomb

Chapter 4

 

Riley

 

            Haha turns out; things weren’t so bad after all, right now anyway.  This beautiful women was lying on top of me sleeping soundly as I was texting her best friend.  Jeremy wanted to talk to me tonight, but his girlfriend just came to see him from London.  So, we devised a surprise “date” for both of them, but I was going to tell Hayley so she would get a chance to put some decent clothes on, instead of just torturing me.  She was wearing a hoodie over a cut off shirt and then boxer shorts that hung down way too low for my health.  I could see her waist and hips, and sometimes her belly button when she stood up.  It was ridiculous; I knew she did it on purpose because she laughed at my embarrassing reactions.  Resisting Hayley was like resisting breathing.

 

            When she woke up, she smiled and cuddled into me closer, giggling cutely.  She tucked her head into my neck and wrapped her arms around it.  Meaning her entire body was pressed against mine, and I was staring down the back of it.  God she had the nicest ass, legs, back, and shoulders.  Fuck you brain, fuck you right now.

 

  “Who were you talking too,” she asked, laying her head on my shoulder.

  “Jeremy.  He wants to take Kat and us out to dinner tonight at around eight.  I said that’d be amazing.”

 

  “That sounds fun, nothing new besides you.  Jeremy and I are always having sleep overs.

 

  “Let’s do it then,” I smiled.  Holy shit.

 

            I was nervous as fuck now.  It wasn’t a date or anything, of course, but it was a big deal, I mean going to Jeremy’s with Hayley and his girlfriend was pretty involved.  Just the fact that they wanted me here made me insanely happy and honored.  Whatever was going on between me and Hayley was probably normal for her, and I was okay with that.  Being friends like this for now was amazing and good enough for me.

 

            When she came out of the room, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so amazed in my entire life.   She was cute, gorgeous, and sexy all at the same time.  She was wearing a band t-shirt, a ridiculously short plaid skirt and black tights, and to top that off she wore high heels.  Only Hayley could make something like that look so fucking incredible.

 

  “I literally just threw shit on,” she said laughing and sitting next to me.

 

  “Uh you look fucking amazing.”

 

  “Aww thank you!”

 

  “I’m serious, you’re fucking beautiful.”

 

            She said nothing, probably because I said that a bit too much like I was getting serious, and I understood that.   But, Hayley and I got closer to each other by the second, which meant so much to the both of us.  We talked the whole way there about the first day we met and about Kat and Jeremy of course.  I just couldn’t believe how incredible today was, regardless of anything else.  She looked so happy, hyper, and like herself again, and that’s all that matters.  Tonight was just getting better and better.

 

            After I met Kat and we ate, Jeremy took me out in his backyard to talk.  I was nervous, but I knew he and I got along good, and we were on the same side of things.  To be honest, standing out here with him was great and all and made me feel like a part of the family, but I missed Hayley within ten minutes… but I was kinda glad she wasn’t out here, this would be dangerously romantic.

 

  “Haha do you see the way she looks at you,” he asked, smiling and leaning against the deck railing.

 

  “Hayley?  Nah she doesn’t, that’s all me.”

 

  “Nu uh, dude she gets this look.  This blank, sexy, attack you look!”

 

  I laughed, “You’ve had way too much coffee.  Listen, there is something going on, but it’s just not the right time to make any moves yet.”

  “Yeah I get it.  You like her though?”

 

  “Yes, a fucking lot.  She’s amazing.”

 

  “Well the whole crew likes you Riley.  You’re a good partner for us… and Hayley haha.”

 

  “I hope so.  She’s more perfect than any girl I’ve ever met.”

 

  “Aw how sweet,” he laughed and punched my arm, “I trust you with her, more than Josh haha.”

 

  “Haha really?  That’s good because he’s an ass.”

 

  “Yeah.  I think he’s overstayed in the band, because he’s over stepped his boundaries, too many times.  And, he doesn’t think much of you, or Hayley anymore for that matter.”

 

  “Why, because he thinks I’m changing her?”

 “Exactly.  I’ve about had it with him, and most of the Farros.”

 

            Turns out, there was a lot going on behind our backs.  Josh and Zac have basically boycotted us, and everyone who supports our friendship.  Apparently, Hayley talked about me during a practice or a meeting, and they took it as we were already together and she cheated on Josh with me.  They had it ALL fucking wrong in their heads like little school girls.  It pissed me off.  I hated the way the treated and didn’t trust in Hayley, after all these years.  I couldn’t let it go on too much longer.  Or their heads would become trophies.

 

            Despite of wanting to kill Josh and Zac, the whole date was, indescribable.  I can’t even tell you how many times I laughed till I cried, wanted to kiss Hayley, and was thoroughly embarrassed.  I couldn’t believe how well I fit in.  All of us got along, way too well almost.  We were probably the loudest double date ever, talking about the most ridiculous random shit.  Hayley kept her hand on my leg or my hand most of the time, and I had my arm around her shoulder.  Everyone already thought we were a couple, and that’s why we both kept blushing.  I couldn’t believe it was real.  And, turns out it lasted longer than we both expected.

 

            We all decided to watch some movies in the living room, which was awesome because we all liked the same movies, and well I got to sit by Hayley on the couch.  I wasn’t paying attention, once again.  My arm was around her shoulders and she was cuddled up against me.  She looked tired and kept yawning, which was adorable.  I covered us up with a blanket, not really thinking.  Who really can think around Hayley anyway?

 

  “I’m going to fall asleep,” she giggled quietly.

 

  “I won’t mind if you do.”

  “Awww let me get a picture,” Kat said excitedly, scaring us.  We tried to separate, but it was too late.

 

  “Oh god,” Hayley blushed and ran to Kat, “Don’t you dare post that!”

 

  She grinned, “Too late, fans are already dying from your cuteness.”

  “I am going to murder you in your sleep,” she didn’t sound so convincing.  And, to be honest, it was all going to come out eventually.  So I got up and picked her up, “Put me down!”  She was laughing and blushing.

  “Shut it,” I flopped down on the couch and held her back from Kat, “I don’t care who knows.

 

  She cuddled back into me and closed her eyes, “Me either,” she smiled and sighed.

 

  “You’re adorable.”

 

  “Tonight was amazing,” she looked up at me, “Even if it wasn’t official.”

 

  “Awwwww I think they love each other,” Kat said.

 

  Hayley threw a pillow at her, “None of your business!”

 

            It was so true though haha.  We did, no matter what we said or did to hide it.  I understood Hayley needed time, and things were all over the place right now, which was not a good time to start a serious relationship.  I was willing to wait as long as I had to, because I did love her more than anything.  I wanted to know what she wanted in life, before I tried giving her my life, or I’d fuck things up for the both of us.  I could never do that, and I won’t.  She deserves better than anything she’s had for 10 years, and I was promising myself that I wouldn’t be an idiot.  She’s worth the wait, the work, and everything.  I know I am way too obsessed with her… but I don’t care.

 

Hayley

 

 

            What in the world was I doing here?  I was lying halfway on top of Riley on the couch.  And I was thinking that it was all right.  I was thinking like a crazy teen age girl, which wasn’t right.  I wasn’t ready, and I knew there was a large possibility of hurting Riley because of it.  I wanted to stay like this with her, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings with my uncontrollable mood swings.  I was ready to go back on tour and let things work themselves out, because if I made anything happen, nothing would turn out right.

           

            I had feelings for Riley, shocker right?  Well they were confusing ass feelings, because first I am enamored with her perfection, then I am overly comfortable with her, and next I’m extremely protective of her; and yet my self doubt told me to back off and get all of it out of my head.  I wanted this complicated friendship, but I was afraid of it expanding beyond the limits of my life.  I wanted to take Riley on this new tour.  I wanted to see how she fit into all of it, and I wanted her to keep racing.  This idea of balancing all of it was crazy, I know, but I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.  And I started to write about it.

 

            The next day, I had to clear my head in the morning after waking up on top of Riley, which I didn’t expect to happen.  We had another band practice before tour, and this one was crucial because I had a lot of new songs to show the guys that we could play during the tour and get them ready.  Only problem was, we were all still fighting about the bands direction and changes that had to be made.  And obviously, that was Josh’s fault.  I left a note on the table for Riley, and made sure Kat would take care of her while I was gone.

 

  In the car, Jeremy and I actually got a chance to talk, “Riley seems great,” he said smiling, clearly planning something out.

 

  “What are you thinking?”

  He shrugged, “We could use another guitar player and someone he understands us.  I mean, this band isn’t making any damn sense with Josh.  Let’s ask him if he wants to actually quit and we could train Riley to fill his place.  Hayles, I just can’t see us continuing like this anymore.”

 

I didn’t really know what to say, “All we can do is ask really, he sure isn’t the happiest anymore.”

 

  “Remember when things were simple and we were all best friends haha?”

 

  “Yeah, what the hell happened,” I laughed.

 

  “Changes.  We’re all different and so are our lives and shit.  I just don’t know what’s up with Josh.  At least you two are broken up,” he shook his head.

 

  “Yeah.  It makes a little more sense now haha.”

 

            Jeremy’s idea was amazing, and really perfect for all of us, but of course Josh was too selfish and stubborn to let anything happen.  When we asked him, he said this is his band too, and he’s going to do anything to save it.  At least he was honest, but we all know he wouldn’t do a damn thing to fix this, and if he did, it would surprise the clothes off our backs.  Also, he already had a new girlfriend, and so did Zac, which actually gave me some hope.  This was getting weirder and weirder.

 

  Josh came up to me, “Hayley, I want to go over some new music I came up with for those lyrics you gave me.”

 

  “Um alright, we should work on it at your place.”

 

  “Yeah and bring Riley too, I’d like to meet her officially,” he smiled, “Maybe we can teach her some things.”  What the hell was up with him?!

 

  “Haha that’d be amazing!  Let’s start as soon as possible so we can get this completely laid out before next July.”

 

  “My thoughts exactly, we’ll just meet up after band practice.”

 

  “Awesome, I’ll lend her one of my guitars.”

 

  “Hayley, I’m sorry about the whole thing, my personal problems got the best of me,” he said, hugging me like he used to.

 

  “No, it’s fine.  We’re all being babies.  Let’s not let anything get in the way like we used to.”

 

  “Haha deal.  Just uh, how should I ask Jenna out?”

  I laughed, “You are different aren’t you?”

 

            This band practice was a miracle.  Everyone just moved on and made up like nothing ever happened.  Josh apologizing was like the most honest thing he’s ever done, and asking for girl advice, which I’m horrible at.  Then, asking me to bring Riley, seriously he’s on some kind of medication.  I was so freaking excited though!  I couldn’t wait to tell Riley everything!

 

Chapter 3

 

Catie

 

            I found myself staring off into space, replaying Hayley’s words in my head over and over, because I needed proof that it was real.  I needed to convince myself it wasn’t just a dream, that this girl was actually asking me out on a date and that she was completely serious about it.  I had to see her and not just talk to her, because there was a huge ass fucking wrench in the entire motion of us going out.  And that wrench was Charlotte.  I wasn’t the type to cheat… but what if it saved my life.  What if Hayley was going to free me from it all?  We were both bound to something, and it wasn’t fucking fair for either of us.  I knew it was cheating and it was technically wrong, but it felt so right.  I was ripping my hair out with how bad I needed to just tell her how I felt.  But, neither of us was ready for it.

 

   “Um I’d love to come,” I said, shaking off the nerves.

 

  She sighed, “Oh thank god, I thought you were going to say no…”

 

  “I should, but I can’t say no.”

  She paused, “What?”

 

  “I have a girlfriend… it’s a long story,” I was so fucking afraid that I blew the entire thing.  I wanted to cry haha, fuck.

 

  “I’m coming over now, don’t go anywhere,” she sounded excited.

  “Wait what?”

  “We need to talk about this, I want to know the long story and I want to know what I can do to help.”

 

  “Wow, you’re actually amazing haha.”

 

  “Shut up,” she hung up.

 

            That is not how I expected her to react, at all.  She couldn’t stop blowing me away for two seconds, even if she tried.  When she came on to our bus, she tackled me in a hug and wrapped her arms around my neck.

  “What’s this for,” I asked laughing from the amazing surprise.

 

  “Because I know how you feel Catie, and I want to help because I want to see where this goes…”’

 

            We sat down on the couch and I told her everything about Charlotte, which wasn’t easy to do.  I could tell Hayley tensed up when I told her Charlotte was an abusive alcoholic that I got stuck living with and that I didn’t know how to get away from her besides touring and the band.  Hayley was the easiest person to talk to for me now, because she listened attentively and didn’t over react.  It felt fucking incredible to tell her how I felt about all of it, but there was obviously more I needed to say.

  “I want you to be my girlfriend, no matter what happens with Charlotte,” I said, almost whispering because I was so damn nervous.

 

  She hugged me, pulling my head against her shoulder, “I will be.”

 

  “You look amazing today, by the way,” I pulled away and checked her out.  Oh god.

 

  She giggled and fell against me, “You’re so cute.”

 

  “Shut up!  You’re adorable,” I pulled her into my lap.

 

  “You think we can hide this from the world,” she asked, laughing and looking up at me with her head against my shoulder.

 

  “We can try our damndest.  Now go, I’ve got sound check.”

  She smiled and hugged me quickly, “I’ll see you later Catie,” she kissed my cheek, making me blush like an idiot.

 

            The guys laughed at me the entire sound check, because I’ve probably never smiled this much in front of them.  Eventually I would tell them what happened, but I wasn’t ready.  The surprise of it all made me extremely high and made everything so much easier.  I’d felt like a large weight drop off of me, and that was mostly because of Hayley’s clothes today.  I couldn’t wait to see what she was wearing tonight.  Obviously this sound check ended quickly, because I was way too fucking distracted to come up with any good ideas.  But, eventually the whole thing would inspire me to write more.  Right now, I was just so obsessed with her, I had to text her.

 

  “Hey, what you wearing tonight,” I asked her.  The wait for her reply killed me.

 

  I freaked out when she replied, “Wouldn’t you like to know ;).”

 

  “Don’t get like that with me!  I just want to match with you!”

 

  “That’d be cool.  I’m wearing a black dress with a red and yellow belt and red high heels.”

 

  Oh god.  “You can’t wear that…”

 

  “LOL why not?”

  I walked into a wall while in the process of replying to her.  Jim got the attention of the whole band crew and everyone started laughing.  “Because I just walked into a wall cus of you…”

 

  It took her longer to reply this time.  “Ohmygod LOL!  You’re hilarious!  I miss you L.”

 

  “Only 1 hour till the date!  No frowning!!!”

 

  “I can’t wait.”

 

  I got light headed again, feeling like I was on fire, “I can’t either.  It’ll be amazing.”

 

            I couldn’t stop thinking about her for the entire hour.  I was seriously falling for Hayley faster than I thought was possible.  Tonight, I had to kiss her.  I didn’t have any other choice, because it was the only thing I could think about now.  Hayley wasn’t just some girl I was going to date, she was my future and my hero.  Nothing would ever change that either, not even the whole world.  I dressed nice, in all black to at least match with her somewhat.  No one asked why I was dressing up, and that was a good thing.  We weren’t ready for anyone to know, especially Hayley.  I wanted to respect her and practically treat her like a queen, because she deserved it.

 

            I took a taxi over to the place where the dinner was.  Apparently, some management was going to be there, which worried me because it could get in the way of the date and meeting Taylor and Jeremy as well.  But, business was part of the music and I respected that.  I was just being territorial with Hayley.  I wanted her all to myself, and I’ve never felt like that before.  Hopefully, everything goes perfect like it should.

 

  “Catie,” she yelled, squeaking a bit before she hugged me.

 

  I looked down at her dress and how amazing it hung off of her perfect body.  “You look fucking amazing,” I whispered as I hugged her really tight.

 

  “You always look amazing,” She whispered and pulled away, “This is Taylor and that’s Jeremy!”

 

  “Haha it’s awesome to meet you guys.  You kick ass on stage!”

  “Haha thanks,” Taylor said, “Hayley’s been obsessed with you for like 6 years now.”

 

  “Wow,” I looked at her, “Really?”

 

  She blushed and nodded before smacking Taylor, “Shut up!  Let’s go eat.”

 

            I hadn’t been on a date for a really long time, and certainly didn’t remember it being this amazing.  I got along with everyone here and we all had a lot to talk about, but to be honest, I couldn’t stop staring at Hayley.  I’d never seen something so amazing in my life.  She was seriously getting more and more beautiful every time I saw her, and it was getting harder to hold back.  I’d never felt like this before, and I think it was because I loved her.  But everything was so shrouded by everything else; I didn’t know what I should feel.

 

Hayley

 

            This is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life.  Catie’s sense of humor was killing me and making me laugh like an idiot in front of everyone, but I didn’t care.  Another thing I noticed was how we couldn’t avoid staring at each other.  It was seriously like a normal date, just way more fun with her than anyone else.  There was no tension or awkwardness between us or the crew, and that was a clear sign no one would fit into this better than Catie.  It was actually kinda perfect, and I wasn’t surprised.

 

            Catie needed to break up with Charlotte, for so many reasons.  Charlotte was not good enough or right for Catie.  She deserved SO much better and it killed me to think about how she wasn’t treated right.  I wanted to make her life better and take care of her, because I loved her more than anyone else could.  Catie kept me head over heels all the time now, and nothing could get in the way of it.  Because I just couldn’t let it.  She was a part of my life now and she had to know that.

 

  We walked out to the van that would take us back to the venue to get ready for the show.  Of course I sat by Catie in the very back.  “That was amazing,” I said, leaning against her.

 

  She smiled and wrapped her arms around me, “I loved it.  We have to do it again sometime, like tomorrow night,” she laughed.

  “Yesss, I vote we do it every night!”

 

  “Hey, why don’t you sing the last song with me tonight?”

 

  I couldn’t breathe, “Um wow, yes.  Are you serious?”  I can’t believe she even asked that.

 

  She laughed and hugged me tighter, sliding her hand down to my waist, “Yes Hayley.  I’ve always wanted to sing a duet with you!”

 

  My jaw dropped, “Shit, let’s do it!  The fans will freak!  Which song?”

 

  She grinned, “You’re favorite.”

 

  I wanted to kiss her, so, so much.  “I love you,” I whispered.

 

            We were interrupted by a crowd of people near the gate to the buses, which got me freaking excited for this show.  It was completely sold out and everyone was already going insane.  It was going to be the best show yet so far, because tonight was the first night in a long time that I felt like my crazy ass self, and it felt amazing.  I was so close to having the girl of my dreams as my girlfriend, and we were falling in love like some incredibly deep love story, but it was so much lighter hearted and easy than that.  Catie was the reason why everything was getting easier and way more positive.

 

            I was so nervous for the show tonight, specifically singing with Catie at the very end of the entire thing.  I’ve sang the song before, blasting it in my car as I drove through Nashville to band practice.  But, singing in on stage with her was going to be surreal and probably one of the most amazing things ever; besides telling her I loved her.  Every amazing thing had to do with her now, which was ironic because she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

 

            Our set was fun as hell, especially since the crowd was absolutely going crazy.  The three of us were getting more and more comfortable with just being a trio on stage and in the spotlight.  We had probably the best support and influence on this tour.  Everyone was some of our heroes and people we look up to.  I never wanted this tour to end, ever.  And it only got better when Stone Sour got on the stage.  They’re definitely my favorite band to see live, ignoring the fact that Catie is the lead singer.    I seriously couldn’t wait for the last song.

 

  “Alright,” Catie said while everything quieted down.  She walked over to center stage, strapping her guitar on.  “We weren’t ever going to do this song live, but everyone insisted we play the motherfucker.  So I need someone to help me out with this.  Get the fuck out here!!”

 

            The stage hand slipped the mic into my hand before I nervously jumped out on stage, trying not to trip.   She started the intro on her own, making it hard for me not to faint or something incredibly embarrassing.  Her voice was so amazing.  Once it got to the chorus, everyone freaked out and there was this amazing vibe that I’ve never felt at any show in my life.  At the end of the second verse, I came in with light backing vocals, scaring myself when we harmonized.  Then, at the chorus it became so heavy and loud that all you could hear was us harmonizing and making our way to each other on the stage, which was the worst thing we could’ve done.   Everyone was noticing that Catie and I weren’t just singing together, we were singing to each other on accident.  We kept getting closer until we were singing at each other face to face, and every word started to become harder and harder to sing until the very last phrase of the outro, because we literally needed to kiss each other.

 

 

            She grabbed my face, leaning forward quickly as she kissed me.  The entire auditorium went silent, and neither of us cared.   I knew this completely ruined keeping it a secret, but I figured if we already blew it, might as well just enjoy this incredible moment.  We kissed harder, wrapping our arms around each other.  We both smiled at the same time into the kiss, except I was starting to tear up a bit, just from relief of how bad I’ve wanted to do this for so long, and I didn’t want it to end anytime soon, and it didn’t.  Jim pushed us off the stage as the crowd was painfully loud.  Catie threw her guitar off and stared at me, inches away.

 

  “I love you too,” she smiled before kissing me again.

 

  “I love you more than you think,” I said grabbing her face.

Chapter 2

Catie

            Paramore was on stage, absolutely getting the crowd hyped up for the entire show.  They were one of the best bands I’ve ever seen live.  Their energy, tight sound, personality, and music were made for the stage.  Especially Hayley.  I know I was extremely biased because I was completely in love with her, but she really was a brilliant lead singer.  God she looked amazing tonight, making everyone else look plain and lazy.  I knew she’d never like me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to get closer to her.  I hardly knew her, and I wanted to so I could figure out why I couldn’t stop thinking about her and staring at her.  Tonight I had to talk to her and invite her on the bus.

 

            Everything aside, tonight was going to be amazing, first show of the tour.  The headliner is supposed to be the coolest band to listen to and see, and I had no doubt we could achieve that.   Singing was seriously my favorite thing in the world, and probably the thing I was the best at in life.  But, I noticed it felt a lot different now than it did before.  Every word I sang, I truly felt and felt like presenting in more and more in the performance.  I hadn’t felt this alive in a very long time.  I don’t know if it was the crowd, the first show, or Hayley causing this, but it was amazing.  I was going crazy and questioning whether I was going to over step my boundary tonight… and I don’t think I would regret it.

 

            Hayley came to our dressing room after the show, by surprise.  I felt so god damned nervous, especially with Jim talking to her while I changed.  I was going to ask her to come to the bus, but I was beginning to think it was a bit too early and sending the wrong message.  I wanted to get to know Hayley, and not freak her out.  I walked out into the lounge, staring at her the entire time she was talking to Jim.  She was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, especially up close.  I felt light headed, short of breath, and like I wanted to just hold her.  It made me feel like a creep.

 

  “Catie!  How are you,” she asked excitedly, her eyes widening and her smile getting huge like a little kid.

 

  “Amazing that you’re here,” I’m so cheesy.

 

  “Aww you’re so sweet,” she smiled and hugged me with one arm around my shoulders.  She could barely reach.

 

  I laughed, changing the mood so it wouldn’t get awkward, “How are you?  You look tired after the show.”

 

  “Yeah I am, but I feel good otherwise, especially since we’re talking more,” she smiled.

 

  “Yeah that’s how I feel haha.  You want to go for a walk?”

 

  “Sure, that’d be amazing!”

 

            We walked outside, smiling at each other back and forth.  It was humid and cold outside, forcing us to put our jackets on, but it wasn’t a bad thing.  We talked about the show and how amazing our fans are.  Simple things to talk about were quickly running out, because we had so many things in common.  We went into lyric writing and talking about how we came up with melodies and extra little instruments phrases.  Randomness was definitely one of the biggest things we had in common, and honesty of course.  Hayley was a perfect girl, deep and complicated, but very down to earth and easy to know if she liked you or not.  She didn’t make me feel weird or like I was over stepping some imaginary boundary.  I was definitely falling for this girl.

 

  “Catie, how come you’re like not afraid of anything?  Like, you just throw yourself out there and give everyone pieces of your personal life…  I could never be like that.”  We sat on a bench in the park next to the venue.

 

  “Haha well being in metal makes it completely different.  The media pays no attention to metal, no one takes it seriously haha, just the veterans.  I have to have everything out in the open, it’s the only way I can write music,” I practically stared at her, from amazement that she’d ask a question like that.

 

  “Wow.  That’s amazing haha, I’m jealous.  We’re one of the biggest bands now.  It’s crazy, because I never expected to end up like this.  I’m so pressured because so many people look up to me,”

 

  “So you’re afraid to be open about a lot of things?”

 

  “Yeah, especially like the biggest secrets, it’s hard to just tell the entire world that some things they think about you are wrong.  But, I’m only hiding it because of Josh.  He put this band in this label and everyone thinks that his label is the band.”

 

  I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, “Hayley, Paramore is you.  You’re the reason the band is so popular and so loved.  Josh’s labels aren’t relevant, and you need to tell people that.  You deserve to live how you want to live and not let strangers or dick heads change that.”  It felt so fucking good to say that.

 

  “It’s not just the fans… it’s my friends, family, and everyone else,” she sounded stressed, pressured, and sad, everything she didn’t deserve to feel.  I think I knew what the big deal was.

 

  “Hayley, are you gay?”

 

  She got nervous and snuggled up to me, “Yeah I am and only you and Jen know.  I hate it.”

 

  Wow holy fuck, selfish thoughts were rushing to my brain.  I knew it damnit!!  “Why the fuck are you single?”

 

  She laughed, “Because I’m self conscious about the whole girl thing, and it has to be kept secret till I’m sure it wouldn’t ruin my life… and I want to find the right person,” she paused and went silent before laughing nervously, but quiet, “I want to fall in love I guess, so I know I am actually gay.”

 

  “That’s actually amazing, and the right way to do it.”

 

            I didn’t know what else to say, besides something that would completely ruin the friendship, especially if she feels the same way I do.  There was just something between us, I knew it.  We had this honest, undeniable, chemistry where we always ended up in the same place and talked about the similarities in our preferences.  Now that I knew she wanted a girlfriend, I had an impulse to try to be the one she needed, because that’s how I was clearly feeling about her.

 

Hayley

 

 

            That night, I went to bed with way to many things spinning in my head.  I was bound by this other world, but I was being told that the other world wasn’t a part of me because it held me back now.  I was so confused, like how was I supposed to just merge all of it together and maintain friendships, fans, and the entire band.  This was really complicated and confusing.  I didn’t know what to do mentally, but I knew following my heart was the only way to go anymore, because my brain has over ruled for too long because of everyone else pressuring me to live another way.  This isn’t as easy as it should be, I mean all I want is someone to be with who understands the way my life works and will accept everything about it.  But, it turns out I was the only one who was truly in the way.

 

            I got dressed and trying to look decent, hurrying to catch Jen before they went to IHOP.  Skillet was pretty much obsessed with late night pancakes, and I couldn’t deny that comfort food sounded really good right now.  Jen was definitely the right person to be around now, because she told the absolute truth without any hang ups.  Also, she knew a lot about me and everything having to do with love, which I knew too less about.  I needed someone to tell me what I should do, especially regarding Catie and our feelings for each other.

 

  “Jen,” I ran to catch up with her as the band was walking down the street.  I hugged her, “How are you?”

 

  She hugged back, “I’m amazing!  I see your doing well.”

  “Really,” I was wondering why in the world it seemed that way.

 

  “Yes, you’re smiling and energetic again… you talked to Catie didn’t you,” she grinned.

 

  “Yeah I did actually… she knows now.”

 

  We kept walking behind the group, “That’s great!  Hayley, whatever else you’re thinking about is irrelevant.  Catie really likes you.  Didn’t you notice?”

 

  I was speechless for awhile, replaying our conversations and body language in my head.  “Yeah I guess so.  You think she’s not that amazing with just everyone haha?”

  “No, I think you guys have something and are both being way too hesitant about it.  It sucks, because you both are so much happier with each other.”

 

  “I don’t know what do though,” I was whining a little, because I was sick of hearing it.  I just wanted actual guidance instead of things I already knew.

 

  She giggled and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, “You’re over thinking it bud.  Catie is a total guy!  What would you do with a guy who likes you?”

 

  “Um… I guess I would start dressing better and calling them more and invite her to dinner with the band and stuff,” I smiled nervously as I said that.

 

  “See, was that so hard?!”

 

  I smiled and nodded, “No, just I don’t know.  She makes me nervous like some school girl.  I haven’t felt like this since I was thirteen I guess.”

 

  “Aww you totally love her!”

 

  “I think I do…”

 

            Jen was right, I was totally over reacting.  It would take a lot for the world to notice simple things like what Jen said I should do.  And, Catie was worth it, but I wanted to protect her from the media at the time.  She said she wasn’t ever in the media, because of the metal label, so she wouldn’t be used to it at all.  We had to keep it secret for as long as we could, because the last thing I wanted was for Catie to feel threatened by the me and the band’s popularity.  Tomorrow, I was going to start being myself, regardless of anything else.  And, I was going to tell Taylor and Jeremy.  All of this was under my control right now, and I wasn’t going to mess that up.

 

            I woke up the next morning, literally jumping out my bunk.  I threw on an orange and black skirt I had made a while back and a black tanktop, and also makeup.  I was actually attempting to look like a girl today, and it was really fun to be honest.  The second I was done, I walked to the front and sat next to Jeremy who was texting Kat.

  “Hey, is it okay if Catie comes with us to dinner before the show tonight?”

 

  He looked surprised, “Duh, she’s awesome… why you asking permission?”

 

  “Uh… well it’s going to be kind of a date thing…”  I was so freaking nervous!

 

  He smiled, “That’s awesome Hay, its fine with me.  You’re asking her?”

 

  “Yeah, I don’t think she knows I like her that much yet haha.”

 

  “She’s such a guy haha, well she’ll fit right in… and definitely say yes.  She stares at you a lot,” he laughed and hugged me before going of to call Kat.

 

            I was relieved at how easy it was to tell Jeremy… but it was weird considering he wasn’t too surprised or anything.  Was it that obvious now that I liked Catie?  I mean I wanted it to be obvious, but it was so embarrassing.  And now, I had to actually ask her out tonight, which I wasn’t honestly ready for, but I had to before it was too late.

 

 

  She started laughing right when she answered her phone, “I was literally just going to call you!”

  “Are you serious?!  That’s amazing!  So um tonight there’s a dinner for the band at some pizza place, no idea where it is,” I was ranting, bad idea.  “You want to come?  You could be like my date or something…”  I was nervous out of my mind.  To make things worse, she went silent.yl

Hesitate

Chapter 1- The Start of It All

 

            I’m Caitlin and truth be told, I was not the best I could be and sometimes lied my way out of a situation of life.  It was always hard for me, but after my two best friends died in a car accident I was left with their house in Maine and their little boy Jake, who was assigned as my God child.  I was surprised how much they trusted me.  Lately I’ve felt like a failure, He’s been acting up as a normal 13 year old boy, but it was unexpected.  After two years, I was getting better at looking after him, but I needed a partner.  And, we needed our family to grow and change.  So, I was going to do it on my own.

 

  “You think you can be alright on your own,” I ask him, putting on my overcoat.  It was cold in Maine at this time of year, almost all year to be honest.

 

  “Caitie, I’m thirteen!  I’ll be fine, you go on,” he said encouragingly.

 

  “You think I can meet the girl to get us out of here,” I ask smiling.

 

  “If you don’t lie this time.”

 

            He crushed me when he mentioned that.  Ever since my best friend, his mother, passed, I’ve developed insecurities and a lying problem to be honest.  I’ve chased many people away on accident because of it.  But, every time I try to be truthful about something, it just turns into a lie to make them like me.  It was the only way I could get through to anyone now.  I’ve lost myself in the whole thing.  But, it was better this way.  A simple life is all I wanted.  But, Jake deserved more.

 

            I walked into the bar, where I obviously didn’t fit in.  All of these people were successful, well like, genuine, and rich.  I was intimidated, but knew I could pull through and pretend I was all of these things.  For Jake, I’d do anything.  Obviously, even ruin someone else’s life by dragging them into mine.  At least then, I wouldn’t fail at keeping Jake alive like I did with everything else.

 

            There was a brunette sitting at a table, with some other people, and I recognized them all, but especially her.  There was something familiar about her.  Like, I’ve seen her somewhere else, many places in fact.  It was like me to block everyone else in the world out, but she was hard to do that with.  I just couldn’t for the life of me remember her name.  I wanted to physically hurt myself at this point, because of how beautiful she was.

 

  I walked up nervously, but kept my composure, “Hey, you seem familiar.  Do I know you?”

 

  She turned to me and smiled beautifully, “Maybe from movies.  My name is Rachel Thompson,” She had an incredible English accent..

  “Wow.  I am honored, I am a huge fan of your movies actually,”  I remembered one, wow.  I was now excited.

 

  “Thank you!  This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth,” she said smiling.

 

  “I’m Caitlin, it’s amazing to meet you both,” I felt like passing out.

 

  “Nice to meet you.  Sit down,” Elizabeth said kindly.  Holy fuck, Italian accent.

 

  I sat down next to Rachel as she smiled and turned to me.  “So, what do you do?”

 

  “Well, close to nothing.  I take care of my God Child and write songs for commercial agencies, very boring,” I laughed.

 

  Rachel laughed, “That’s not boring.  It’s different!  How old is your God child?”

  “Well, thank you,” I said awkwardly, “He’s thirteen, the danger age.”

  “Ahh,” she nodded, “Must be difficult then.  No parents?”

 

  “No, they died actually.”

 

            I kept talking as long as Rachel kept asking questions.  The surprising and terrifying thing was, I didn’t lie to her.  Everything came out easy.  We flowed together and kept talking, ignoring everything around us.  She was incredibly intrigued by my life, but not as much as I was by her.

 

  “Me stanco. Possiamo ora andare,” Elizabeth beautifully spoke in Italian, it could’ve been a Martian language for all I know.

 

  “Ahh Catie, we have to go.  I’m sorry,” she frowned, and then spoke to Elizabeth in Italian.  “We’ll be here for awhile though, here is my number,” she smiled, writing it down.  “Let’s meet again sometime.”

 

  “I’d love that,” I smiled, feeling quite out of it to be honest.  I couldn’t believe this happened.  It wasn’t actually happening to be honest.  She’d never answer or see me again.  She’d easily forget me, just like the rest of them.

 

            She was beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, and interested in my life.  But she was 10 years older than me and had no spark of childishness, no fun, and no big heart.  Business women weren’t my type.  She was a good friend though, but I still wasn’t going to let myself think it’s here to stay.  Nothing ever does.  Still, I tried to keep positive and focus on the good feeling she left me with.

 

I went home reluctantly after only one drink.  The party was stupid and droll, no one else interesting could really be found in Maine, even when they come from out of state.  Jake was curled up on the couch, covered in the blanket his grandmother had made for him.  I tucked him in, kissing his head.  I loved this kid, for so many reasons.  He always made me feel better and more accomplished than before.  Except, he has a habit of speaking the truth, and the truth fucking hurts.  But, I knew he was always right about me.  He knew me better than anyone.  Now I was glad to be home, after all.

 

I flopped over onto my bed, feeling hyped up.  Meeting new people always did this, but there was something quite different about this.  I felt a little anxious, with some hope that I usually didn’t possess.  It hardly made sense at all to me.  So, now the waiting game began I guess.  Waiting for what, I never know.  But, I was certainly too riled up to sleep or lay in the same place.  I got up and went into the living room, sitting in the arm chair near the couch where Jake slept.  My phone buzzed, scaring me as I tried to shush it up, but it flew out of my hands right into Jake’s head.  We both laughed.

 

  He opened it and read the text, “Rachel?  Who’s that,” he said raising his eye brow.

  I grinned, “Rachel Thompson.”

 

  “Holy shi.. wow you met her?!”

 

  “Watch your language!  Yes I did,” I smiled, “She has a girlfriend though.  Now give me the phone!”

 

  He tossed it to me.  It said “Hello Caitlin!  Tomorrow night Elizabeth and I are attending a concert, we have an extra ticket!”

 

  “Let me see who it is.” I then asked her. 

 

  “Paramore.  You like them?” she texted back

 

  I felt like a fucking loser now, “I’ve never heard them,” I texted back.  “Jake, do you know who Paramore is?”

 

  He laughed, “You don’t know who Paramore is?  You’d love them!” he said not believing I didn’t know who they were.

  “Show me then so you can stop laughing at me!”

 

            Jake and I huddled in front of his laptop as he showed me a music video from this year, 2007.  Wow this chick was hot, bad first judgment but it was true.  Then, when the music stared, I thought my ears were going to explode.  There sound was one of the most powerful sounds I’ve ever heard in my life.  each instrument was as dynamic as the up and downs of the tone.  It was a new level of perfection was music, and I was fucking addicted and in love.

 

  “Tell me everything,” I demanded as he smiled and nodded.

 

            Jake knew music way better than I did, but he also sounded obsessed with this band.  When I said everything, I didn’t know it’d be literally everything known to fucking man about this band.  But, Christ I was so intrigued with their story and personalities, more than any girl I’ve ever met to be honest.  This band hit a spot with me, and I wasn’t sure why.  But, now I was even more excited about tomorrow.

 

            I got up to send Jake off to school.  He was unexpectedly quiet for having an amazing time together last night, but I wasn’t going to say anything.  Asking too many questions would be only making it worse.

 

Next Morning

 

  “I’ll bring Hayley home with me tonight alright,” I said winking as he ate his cereal.

 

  He smiled, “You two would be a great couple.”

 

  I spit my water out from surprised, then busted out with laughter, “You think?”

 

  “Yeah, you’d be better than Greg..”

 

  “Greg, her boyfriend,” I raised an eyebrow.

  “Yup, he’s a dick,” he said laughing.

 

  “Then he doesn’t deserve her… What’d I say about language?”

  Jake laughed, “Jealous much?”

 

  “Yes in fact I am!”

 

            Jake and I blasted Paramore all the way to his school, so I could learn the words before the concert tonight.  Truthfully, this band brought us closer together.  All awkwardness with conversations was disappearing and he was much more open with me.  I had to take him to the concert tonight, for him more than me.  But, it was definitely making things easier on me.  And, Rachel wanted to meet him anyway.  This benefitted everyone.

 

            I got home, stealing both of Jake’s Paramore albums and putting the first one in.  New inspiration= better work and more money for Jake and I.  Today it seems like I had new inspiration for everything, a new fire for everything.  It wasn’t Rachel, the date thing, or Jake’s and I closeness building for that matter.  It was Paramore, and the concert would only increase it.  I really had no idea what I was in for.

This chapter is an inbetweener, kinda to make you anticipate what’s to come.  That’s why it’s short, and I’m lazy too :P

Chapter 7

 

            I sat on the steps even longer, worrying about everything until my head ached.  There had to be a way to have both.  Even if Kirsty supported me to go to Washington and save Sara, I couldn’t even begin to start without her.  Spending every second away from her, knowing what I’m doing may lead to us never seeing each other again.  I was over thinking this, I know.  But, as a spy you have to be redundant and look at every angle, especially the emotional one.  Emotions were always left out, but in a situation like this it was unavoidable.  Maybe there was something I was missing. 

 

I thought about everything before I came into this reality, which seems to be the real deal.  Before was just a dream, based on what I wanted at the time.  It is possible that everything about Sara in the blackout dream was real, giving me even more reasoning.  If my life could be like that, then it was worth everything, but how was I going to do it?  I thought while pacing in the front garden.  I thought about all the skills I’ve discovered that I possessed.

 

Then a new angle appeared, laying over all the schematics in my head.  I could have both.

 

            I got up, running inside and following the familiar voices glowing through the house.  I stopped in the doorway of the study room, finding Kirsty and her dad arguing, well her arguing with him.  He sat there, dumbfounded and not reacting to anything, emotionless.  It bothered me seeing her life this.  Then, she shook her head and walked towards me, then bumping into me.  I took her into my arms and stabilized us, as we were about to fall over.

 

  “Keep your hands off my daughter,” he yelled, getting up and shaking his finger.

 

  “No.  She’s 18 for god sake.  Fuck off.  You may kick me out of your house, but you are NOT kicking me out of hers,” expressing my anger felt great.  “She’s coming with me.  Whether she wants to or not,” I said before kissing her forehead, holding her tighter.

 

  “Oh my god really,” she asked, looking at me excitedly.

 

  “Yes.  I am not leaving you here.  I can’t,” I said looking back at her and smiling.

 

  “Believe me, I want to, more than anything.”

 

  “Get out of my fucking house,” he yelled louder.

 

  “You’ll miss me,” she said smiling as we walked out of his office.

 

            We ran into her room and shut the door.  She jumped at me, hugging me tighter then she ever has, then she kissed my neck as I held her.  We stayed like that for a long time, running our hands up and down each other’s backs.

 

  “Get your stuff,” I whispered, reluctantly letting go.

 

  “How am I going to get there?  I haven’t got a passport,” she said shoving clothes into a bag.

 

  “I can get you one at the office, don’t you worry.  Surprisingly, I have clearance to take you with me,” I said laughing.

 

  “I have no idea what you’re blabbing about,” she said cutely laughing and walking up to me.  “Just shut up and kiss me.”

 

            We both smiled, but I realized how bad I wanted this.  And, how long I’ve waited to have her, kiss her, know that she’ll always be with me and want to.  She loved me back, and that made this more serious to me than just a little first kiss.  I pulled her in my arms against me until there was no space, and then slid one hand to her neck, gently pressing it.  Then, I kissed her with absolutely no hesitation.  I kissed her as deeply as I could, and then she kissed be back the same.  This single kiss seemed to continue for what felt like forever, but still too short. 

 

  I tried to breathe before talking, but it wasn’t going to happen.  “I love you,” I said before kissing her, softer this time, then slowly dragging my lips away from hers.

 

  “Wow,” she paused, then nuzzled me, “I love you too Erin.”

 

  “We have to go,” I held her against me and kissed her again.

 

  “I’m ready,” she smiled.

 

            Basically, everything went easier than I expected.  The woman at the clearance desk inside the airport accepted the reason for procedure, the way I had planned to convince them to let Kirsty go with me.  I think I smiled the whole time, showing a weakness to fellow agents.  Now, my actual job seemed really unimportant, so I ignored it.  Kirsty was quiet, not asking questions and just clinging to me.  I loved it.

 

  “I have no idea where we are now,” she said laughing as we walked outside into the night.  It was on the runway, to a checked plane.  A checked plane has secret service security on it to protect traveling agents; you think I would go on a normal plane with someone as important as Kirsty? 

 

  I lifted up her up into the back hatch of the plane, close to the back as the security helped me.  “Holy shit it’s you,” One of them said as I climbed in and closed the hatch, holding my backpack out to one of them.

 

  “Yeah.. so,” I asked confused.

  “You’re the one who took down the Spain Traders down, all by yourself,” he said laughing.

 

  I hugged Kirsty and kissed her, “I have no idea what they’re talking about.”

 

  “You told me about that!  You’re amazing,” she said before kissing me again.

 

  “You’re more amazing,” I smiled.

 

            We sat next to each other on the plane, holding hands as I explained to her about everything.  It felt good to tell her, because she was just so supportive and a hell of a good listener.

 

  “Even though Sara shot me, I don’t think it was actually on purpose.  I think the other agency is confusing her.”

 

  “Well, if anyone can fix this, it’s you,” she said before yawning.

 

  I laughed and pulled her head onto my chest, then wrapped my arms around her, “Sleep, I don’t want you to get sick.”

 

  “So protective.”

 

            I was excited to land, but I loved her sleeping on me like this.  She was right, I was more protective of her than anyone.  I wouldn’t be taking her with me if I wasn’t figuring out how to keep her safe the whole way.  Worrying about Sara came second to be honest, because all of this was impossible without Kirsty.  All I knew was, there was no giving up with any of this.  And, I was also preparing for something else.  There was something I had to do before I walked into the headquarters and put my life in danger.  Kirsty was more important than that and deserved better.  I had to make sure she knew how much I loved her.

Careful

 

Chapter 1

 

            My name is Erin, and recently I’ve came into a bit of trouble.  3 months ago I almost lost my life in an accident that I have no recollection of.  I don’t remember anything before these 3 months.  All I know is that I’ve been kidnapped by a blonde girl named Sara.  She hasn’t said much, we just keep going on planes in countries I’ve never been before.  She’s nice and very familiar but nothing still comes to mind.  She takes care of me, like a big sister. She doesn’t scare me, even though she carries several guns and knives.  I trusted her with my life.  I just had to uncover the secrets she was keeping.

 

  “Sarah, where are we going?”

 

  “Home, to get a friend and make sure she’s okay.  I don’t know what she’s doing in America, looking for you.”

  “Whoa what?”

 

  “Erin,” she smiled, “I can’t tell you too much, or you’ll ruin it before we get everything in order.  Just don’t tell her about any of this.”

  “Alright, but why should I keep secrets if she’s looking for me?”

 

  “Because, she could die if you don’t,” she said seriously.

 

  “This is bigger than I thought.  Deal.  But, who is she anyway?”

 

  “Her name is Kirsty, and she’s your best friend.  You guys bought a studio together in Atlanta, Georgia.  You’re from Colorado, she’s from Scotland.  That’s all I’m telling you.  This is your personal life; don’t let all of this interfere.”

  “Wow haha alright, let’s hope I don’t fuck this up.”

 

  “You won’t.  This is to help you for the next step, without her you’ll never get anywhere.”

 

  “We were just friends, right?”

  “Yes, and please keep it that way.   Just promise me that.”

  “Okay..”  I was freaked out and a little nauseous from all of this.  I had no idea what was going on, but it sounded serious.

 

            We walked off the plane, away from everybody else towards a black car, definitely a luxury car.  Sara pulled me towards it as we ran to it, and then quickly got in.  She drove off the runway, basically racing out.  It was amazing, I’ve never been this fast in a car, at least I think so.  Sara was completely serious, but I saw a small smirk as we stopped at a red light.

  “You’re not afraid,” she asked surprised.

 

  “No, this is a fucking rush.”

  “I’m just getting started,” she smirked.

 

  “Haha should I be scared now?”

 

  “You never have been.  That’s why we’re doing all of this.  You’re needed and wanted,” she smiled, starting to tear up.  “You’re the only hope for finding him and keeping everything the same.”

 

  “I promise Sara, I’ll help in whatever way I can,’ I promised that because I felt it was right.  “I’m sorry, I’m still fuzzy.  Who?”

 

  “Josh, my boyfriend and you’re brother,” she said sounding sad.

 

  “Wow,” I said scared and surprised, feeling kinda empty.  “I can’t even remember my own brother.”

 

  “It’s not your fault, you almost died to save his life.  Damnit!  I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she said angrily, driving faster.

  “Why Sara?”

 

  “Because it could get Kirsty killed.”

 

  I had to assure her that wouldn’t happen, because I was also afraid of it, “No. that will not happen, I promise you. Everything will work out.”

  “You haven’t changed,” Sara smiled

 

            I got comfortable in the passenger seat, starting to feel exhausted and warm.  My eyes began to close and I thought about this amazing unknown person I was about to meet, for no reason at all.  It confused me, but I didn’t care.  To know I was loved changed the way I’ve been feeling for three months.

 

            I woke up on my bed, slowly opening my eyes as my head began to hurt.  I looked around for the noise I was hearing, spanning the room until I saw Kirsty walking towards me.  Somehow, I realized it was her instantly.  I sat up as she sat next to me and just stared at me. 

 

  “I’m so glad you’re back,” she said moving closer, getting up on her knees on the bed, then straddling me.  Wow.

 

“Me too,” I said feeling confused.

 

            She leaned forward, pressing her body against mine while slowly kissing me.  I couldn’t help but kiss back, because this felt incredible.  Then, we started kissing harder, and harder until we couldn’t breathe.  I had to take it farther by pushing her off of me and sliding my body up against hers until I was comfortably on top of her.  She was breathing hard while she pushed up against me and grabbed the waistband of my pants, before slowly sliding them off of me.  It was unexpected, but I didn’t hesitate to do the same and pull them off of her.  We started making out again, just way deeper this time.  She pulled away once I shoved my hips into hers and moaned my name loudly.

 

            What the fuck was that, I asked myself as I woke up.  Was that just a dream or did it really happen?  I didn’t know, but I knew this maybe a problem to keeping Sara’s promise to not be with Kirsty that way, because that was fucking incredible and I couldn’t deny that I wanted it.

 

“Here we are,” She said parking in front of a condo complex.  We got out, and then she hugged me, “Now, be ready for her to tackle you and possibly cry, she didn’t know you made it out of the hospital alive.”

  “Oh shit haha, today has been a long ass day.”

 

  “I haven’t slept for almost three days,” she said laughing as we got out of the car.

 

  “Your job isn’t easy is it?”

 

  She sighed and paused, “No, but I love it.  And, thanks to your dad, I have one.  It’s the only thing I’m good at.”

  “Am I good at it too?”

 

  “You’re brilliant, you’re my hero, besides Josh,” she smiled.

 

            Sara was definitely a part of my family, I could feel it.  I was nervous to re-meet Kirsty, because I knew I was very important to her.  Sara wanted me to maintain this relationship, indicating that I’d never get anywhere without Kirsty.  Wanting to find out was killing me, because she sounded amazing to be honest.  I knew there was more to this, which scared me.  That dream could be real, and if it was, how was I going to do this?  I had to do all of this right and push fear aside, because this was my life and all I had.